Sunday, 3 January 2010

Celebrity Big Brother 2010 Launch: LIVE BLOG

(Refresh for updates, newest updates at the top. You know, like Twitter.)


Vinnie Jones: 2570 words.
Lady Sovereign: 2460 words.
Sisqo: 2070 words.
Stephen Baldwin: 1647 words.
Stephanie Beacham: 1571 words.
Heidi Fleiss: 1052 words
Dane Bowers: 964 words.
Basshunter: 627 words
Alex Reid: 581 words.
Nicola Tappenden: 481 words.
Katia Ivanova: No Wikipedia entry.


Late-it’s-just-dawned-on-us-update: On Twitter earlier, we commented on the ‘news’ story that Lynda La Plante has moaned about the BBC not asking her to write for them any more, claiming that they would pay more attention to her “if [her] name were Usafi Iqbadal and [she] was 19”. We made the hugely witty/spinelessly snarky (delete as applicable) observation that as the fictional Usafi Iqbadal wouldn’t have Killer Net on his CV, the BBC would be quite correct to pick him over La Plante. Subsequently, for reasons best known to her, Lynda La Plante then started following us on Twitter (because she’s been searching for what people are saying about her).

This means we’ve since inadvertently flooded her Twitter feed with our inane observations about Celebrity Big Brother and plugs for this very website. We would say “if you’re reading this, sorry Lynda!”, but then she did write Killer Net, quite possibly the worst television drama of the last twenty years, so we’re not sorry at all. How bad was it? Here’s how bad, courtesy of the mighty NTK, and with a nod to Twitter’s Alan Jenson who’d reminded us of that link.

You should get a soundcard and a microphone as well... I'll set it up for you, I'll need to get inside the processor...


Indeed, that’s it. So, instead of watching bloody Rude Tube (yeah, way to use that huge inherited audience, Channel Four), we’ve plonked a tenner on Lady Sov to win, after she momentarily drifted to 17. We’ve also bunged our Wikipedia data into a nice chart for you:

image  …and another one, based on the betting.


And so, until tomorrow unless we’ve got something better to do, goodnight. And for those of you waiting for Top 100 of The 00s updates, those will continue as well. Don’t worry, we’ll only go with CBB updates if anything interesting happens. For proper, non-sarcastic updates, you’d probably be better off checking the coverage at Bother’s Bar, but if pointless charts are your bag, then bookmark us NOW.


GUEST TWELVE: Is it Gazza? Is it? It… isn’t, we’re only having the eleven for now. On the down side, there’s no-one we actually already like in it this year. On the plus side, our heart isn’t going to sink when we realise someone we really like is only famous enough to put themselves through being on Celebrity Big Brother. It’s a bit like seeing someone from your favourite band appear on Never Mind The Buzzcocks, as part of the identity parade.

That’s probably it for contestants, so here’s a quick rundown of the current Betfair odds:

Vinnie Jones - 3.95
Jonas “Basshunter” Altberg - 5.9
Dane Bowers - 7
Stephanie Beacham - 13.5
Sisqo - 12.5
Lady Sovereign - 15.5
Alex Reid - 16
Katia Ivanova - 18
Nicola Tappenden - 27
Stephen Baldwin - 29
Heidi Fleiss - 46


if nothing else, La Roux are doing well out of tonight’s show. What with Vinnie’s intro vid and the first advert on the break following it, we’ve heard In For The Kill twice in about four minutes. Wiki scores updated – Vinnie tops the chart, what with his chequered and, admittedly, very interesting past. Katia doesn’t even seem to have an entry, even though we’ve spelled her name correctly. We would say she’s this year’s Cleo Rocas, who also didn’t have a Wiki entry when she’d entered the house, but then we could actually recognise Cleo Rocas.


GUEST ELEVEN: Vinnie Jones. The man who captained Wales to their most humiliating post-war defeat (7-1 away to Netherlands), bad singer, and bad actor in mostly bad films. He even stood out as the worst thing about Swordfish – even worse than the ‘hack the Pentagon while getting a blowjob’ scene. Still, he’s the only properly recognisable face so far.

Celebrity Big Brother-21


GUEST TEN: Katia Somethingorother. We couldn’t even be bothered remembering her name for as long as it took to turn towards our keyboard.  Lucky we’re following things on Twitter at the same time. Ivanova, it seems.

Celebrity Big Brother-20


GUEST NINE: It’s Basshunter, the Somerfield Scooter. We hereby revise our choice of First Out The Door.

Celebrity Big Brother-16


So far, Lady Sov is deemed the most interesting by the Wikipedians, with Page Fwee Shtunna Nicola T in last place. Thus far, our bet to be first out the door and straight on the flight for Celebrity Total Wipeout would be whoever out of Dane Bowers and Alex Reid comes over as less of an arse.

One other good thing about CBB launch night, is that it’s bound to get at least seven million viewers, mostly in the ‘right’ 18-34 demographic, so we get lots of new adverts. Not many good new adverts, but still.


GUEST EIGHT: Heidi Fleiss, as rumoured over on Digital Spy last week. The sort of US celebrity that really needs a detailed introduction in the UK. And no Davina, she won’t air her dirty laundry in the Big Brother house, ‘cos the producers will turn the sound down.

Celebrity Big Brother-13


GUEST SEVEN: From Grammy winning American R&B star Sisqo, to Britain’s very own supermarket own-brand alternative. It’s Dane Bowers. Interestingly enough, he isn’t actually from Denmark.

Celebrity Big Brother-12


What will Davina do to keep herself busy when all this is over? Celebrity Big Brother Australia, as a contestant, we imagine. That’d be good fun, actually.

GUEST SIX: Sisqo. While he might sound like an Austrian supermarket chain, he’s apparently an R&B star.

Celebrity Big Brother-10


So, no real standout big Barrymore-type star as of yet. Of those currently in the house, we suspect Lady Sov might win it. Still, it’s early yet. That Scottish bloke who kicked in a flaming terrorist or someone might enter yet. No standout bastard yet, either, but there’s still time for Nick Griffin to turn up.


GUEST FIVE: Lady Sovereign. Someone else we’ve heard of, even if we’re not a big fan of her work.

Celebrity Big Brother-09


GUEST FOUR: Stephanie Beacham. Someone actually properly famous! For doing things on telly and that! Won’t win, but will do well, and come across as normal, if only because she’ll remember that she’s on telly at all times and that people are watching.

Celebrity Big Brother-07


GUEST THREE: Alex Reid. Someone who bedded Jordan, and a cage fighter. No, us neither.

Celebrity Big Brother-04


For old time’s sake, we’re continuing our momentarily popular running theme of measuring the ‘celebrities’ by the size of their Wikipedia entries, and seeing who becomes more popular as the series progresses. To keep things fair, we’re starting from their Wiki pages as of the end of December. Here are the scores thus far:

Stephen Baldwin: 1647 words.
Nicola Tappenden: 481 words.

Expect a chart later. Yeah, look excited motherflippers.


GUEST TWO: Page fwee shtunna Nicola “Who?” T. The first non-actual celebrity of the night, instead being famous for going out with footballer Bobby Zamora. Running count of people we’d recognise in the street: ZERO.

Celebrity Big Brother-02


GUEST ONE: Stephen “Usual Suspects/Barney Rubble” Baldwin. A Republican supporter. Bookies’ favourite to act like a total cock, perhaps?

Celebrity Big Brother-01


It’s on. Happily, the screen capture software we use is working very nicely. Just think of all the hits we might now get from Google Images.



Nothing much happening, but there is an advert showing us how to sneeze currently on Channel Four:


6 .:

Derek Williams said...

Updates at the top is a significant improvement over the Eurovision live blogging. Which amounts to about the best thing about Celebrity Big Brother which is a BAD THING.

Word verificaiton: minytopi

Rob M said...

Re: 22:07, my heart sank with Sov. And Manda from Bis was in the lineup on 'Buzzcocks', but on an edition that has been swallowed by the BBC's Daily Mail Appease-o-tron (Russell Brand was a guest, and it was due to air immediately after the tedious controv,) so it looks like I may never have to see it.

Brig Bother said...

I've stuck a tenner on Lady Sovereign at 17 as well!

You need to start some sort of official Sov for Sovs!!! campaign.

Mark X said...

@DerekW: I was going to re-sort it into chronological order after the end of the show, like the Guardian does with it's minute-by-minute sport reports, but I just know Windows Live Writer would destroy the formatting.

@RobM: Y'know, it was Manda's mention of her appearance in the line-up on Twitter the other day that made me think of that analogy. So, I suppose at least one good thing came out of Sachsgate.

@BrigBo: I'd hope at least her odds will plummet as the show goes on, as she should be a little more grounded and normal than the others in the house, which always works well for people. Plus, CBB contestants from the USA never win - it's almost always someone from the UK. The only non-UK winners are Shilpa (largely due to the UK contingent of CBB07 being, well, mostly horrid) and Ulrika, who is pretty much naturalised British.

What will probably happen: The odds on Lady Sov will drop, I'll panic, lay off the bet for a modest profit, and she'll romp to victory.

Jamie said...

Chucked a fiver on Lady Sov @ 10-1 on Betfred. Surprisingly they are putting Vinnie Jones at 2-1. Personally i reckon he will be a walker...or chucked out for biting someones ear off.

Ian Symes said...

Mr X, could you drop me an email on ianiansymes at the old gmail please? I wish to exploit your good work.

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