Yule (B)Log V: The Telly Schedules Are Out

The proper ones, not the 'To Be Confirmed' saturated travesties that pop up in the tabloids at the end of November. And here are the links that'll help you decide whether it's worth investing in a bunch of DVDs to watch in the last week of this month:

BBC One
BBC Two
BBC Three
BBC Four

As ever, a bit of a mixed bag, and a selection that brings up a nagging feeling that Christmas television was a lot more interesting in the 1980s and early 1990s. But was it? Thanks to the excellent BBC Programme Catalogue, we shall see, as we take a wander through a couple of

THE BBC ONE CHRISTMAS DAY SCHEDULES OF THE PAST

1983
The Big Hitters:
Erm... nothing much of note until a pre-Queen TOTP, with the likes of Ziggy's Gift, Bugs Bunny and The Christmas Raccoons making up the numbers. The prime post Liz slot was taken up with Blankety Blank, and it didn't even have Kenny Everett on duty, with Freddie Starr taking his turn on the 'bottom middle' position rota. Patrick Moore, Roy Kinnear, Ruth Madoc, Beryl Reid and, erm, Sabina Franklyn making up the numbers. Cripes. Jim'll Fix It also made an appearance, featuring "Hi-Di-Hi sketch, 1918 Hero, cracking walnuts, Father Christmas, reading the lesson at Norwich Cathedral and blind horse riders". The proper big guns came out late at night, with festive editions of The Two Ronnies and Only Fools And Horses (hopefully the ace one where Grandad forgot to take the giblets out of the turkey).

The Big Film:
Treasure Island. Which we don't think we've seen, because that would have been the time BrokenTV's Mum made the family turn the telly off for Christmas dinner.

Phoning It In:
Songs Of Praise, because the 25th fell on a Sunday, and the BBC was duty bound to show it. Still, a good excuse to put on the CalecoVision, so the family can see who can get the best score on Donkey Kong. Before Top Of The Pops there was also a show called 'The Glitterball', which the BBC Programme Catalogue excitingly describes as "A television programme".

Overall Christmas Aceness Rating: 3/10

1987
The Big Hitters:
Ah, now we're talking. Despite the likes of Ziggy's Gift (again!) making up the early morning schedule, Songs Of Praise is banished to 8.24am, where it's missed because everyone in the United Kingdom is busy opening their prezzies, freeing up later on for a proper Christmas Day line-up. Christmas Morning With Noel? Check. A repeat of a classic Porridge? Check. Imperial phase EastEnders? Check. The Russ Abbott Show, ah shut up, he was enjoyable enough at the time? Check. Only Fools And Horses (the "Frog's Legacy" episode that told everyone Rodney was only Del's half-brother about eighteen years before they tried to use that as a dramatic selling point for the last ever episode)? Check. The last ever (and most expensive) Two Ronnies Christmas Special? Check. In Sickness And In Health? Check. Now that's proper scheduling.

The Big Movie:
Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom. Get in!

Phoning It In:
Well, we never liked Miss Marple. But then, that gave everyone time to play Trivial Pursuits. And yup, we did leave that 's' there to deliberately annoy unspeakable bores.


Overall Christmas Aceness Rating: 9/10. So close. If there had been something like a Big Deal Comeback Special instead of Marple, it could have been a ten.


And what of 2007? On the plus side: Doctor Who. On the negative side: A Catherine Tate Special dirtying up BBC One. Eeeh... 5/10.

Read More

We'll Say It Again: Pain

Given our position of Britain's favourite telly blog that was once described as "gleefully acerbic" by the BBC website's pull-out culture section (if by "favourite" you mean "only", that is), you'd expect us to dance a little jig of joy every time ITV mess something up. But you'd be wrong. It kind of hurts.

As hard as it might be to remember those dim distant days, but ITV used to be great. There was a time when ITV gave the world (yes, the world) programmes as good as The Naked Civil Servant. Rising Damp. Brideshead Revisited. Cracker. Auf Wiedersehen, Pet. Tiswas. Hot Metal. World in Action. An Audience With Jasper Carrott. Prime Suspect. End Of Part One. Spitting Image. Minder. Dangermouse. Jeeves and Wooster. The Kenny Everett Video Show. TV Burp.

ITV was the network that commissioned The Avengers, the last British television programme to be broadcast on American network television.

ITV was the network that commissioned The Muppet Show, which went on to become the most successful British television show of all time.

ITV was the network that made The World At War, the most acclaimed and arguably the greatest television documentary series of all time.

ITV was the network behind 7 Up, quite possibly one of the greatest social experiments of the modern era.

ITV was the network that played host to four, that's FOUR different vehicles for Tony Hancock (Jack Hylton presents The Tony Hancock Show, Hancock, The Blackpool Show and Hancock's), and doesn't even go on about it. Sadly, because surely that's what ITV3 is there for.

At 10pm on the sixth of December 2007, all of the above is unceremoniously spunked up the wall of television history.



We don't care that the above image messes up the template of the blog. That it probably obscures the link to all the stuff we wrote between January and May 2006. Because the image we've not bothered to resize properly displays the moment where ITV finally give up the good fight. Where Britain's Independent Television Network finally gives up the ghost and decides the broadcasting equivalent of "Ah, to fuck with it. I can just quit my day job, get a load of cheap vodka from Netto, lie in my bed in an alcohol-induced stupor all day, and just toss off occasionally. Lying in a matted combination of my own piss, shit, spunk and vomit, failing to care, barely remembering to breathe, shifting only to shuffle my way to the dole office every other week. What's the point? What's the bloody point?"

Thursday. 10pm. "How To Get More Sex: Keen to demonstrate the power of smell in attracting a mate, celebrities were asked to identify which out of three T-shirts smelled the most attractive. One had been worn by a man, one by a woman, and one by a kuhne kuhne pig - which gives some very interesting results."

It's the timeslot that really gets to us. It's not being shown at 1.35am, the slot that was home to God's Gift or The Good Sex Guide. It's at 10pm, the traditional home to News At Ten. The same hour that used to be home to This Week. It's not even that we're being annoyingly pretentious and pseudo-intellectual about the whole affair. Heavens, we can't help but giggle at the word 'ploppy'. Will Self is hardly shaking in his expensive boots when we're in the room. Not that we're ever in the same room as Will Self. Unless he visits the Flint branch of Home Bargains while we're there stocking up on cheap biscuits.

Of course, maybe we should sit back and enjoy the ride. We don't even watch much ITV1 these days, unless TV Burp or the Champions League is on. We should just relax on our sofa, and giggle smarmily at ourselves while we flick through our EPG to find the following:

ITV1 Schedule: 28th November 2008.

20.00 The Bill
21.00 Drama With Lots Of Murders In
22.00 How To Get Loads Of Fanny And That
23.00 ITV News
23.01 Watch This Programme And Michael Grade Will Send You A Free iPod Shuffle
23.30 That Film Where You Can See Halle Berry's Tits For About Three Seconds (Clue: That Bit'll Happen At 00.37. See Looping Repeats Of The Tits Scene On ITV.com)
01.45 QuizGasm Live

Read More

BrokenTV's Telly Yule (B)Log: Day Four

Radio Times to Potential Customers: "There's Nothing On Next Week, Don't Bother Buying Me"

The Radio Times. Circulation: 1,046,601 (ABC, Jan-Jun 07). Readership: 2,959,000 (NRS, Jan-Dec 06). Price: £1. Advertising rates: quite high.

And this week's cover? "Erm... THE EPISODE OF DOCTOR WHO WITH KYLIE MINOGUE IN IS ONLY TWENTY DAYS AWAY! WOOOO!"

Not only does that mean they've rather shot their wad re: the most likely programme to appear on the cover of the big Christmas issue, but also suggesting quite clearly that out of the several thousand programmes across the proclaimed four hundred television and radio channels over the next week, none of them is really worth getting excited about. But still, Doctor Who and Kylie Minogue! Woo!

Our prediction for the cover of the double Christmas issue: Either they're using a traditional Generic Non-denominational Winter Festival Icon (i.e. a snowman or Santa), or, as we're hoping, Bruce and Tess, on a Photoshoppedly shiny ballroom floor, dressed and Mr and Mrs Claus.

-

(Speaking of Kylie, we're still slightly annoyed that the first single to be taken from "X" was the mediocre "2 Hearts", because "Sensitized" is genuinely the greatest three minutes and fifty-seven seconds of pop produced all year. Oh well, released in early January replete with Pet Shop Boys remixes to guarantee the song a guaranteed four weeks at the top, hopefully.)

Read More

BrokenTV's Telly Yule (B)Log: Day Three

Sorry about yesterday's update, everyone. Just plonking a graph onto the site and expecting everyone to be entertained was a bit lacklustre, a bit like when Sky One advertise a new episode of The Simpsons, only for it to be a clip show.

Luckily, we'll pulled out all the stops, and can promise everyone that today's update is literally five times better than yesterday's effort.

YULE (B)LOG DAY THREE: Five Pie Charts About TV Ratings

Ho, yus. Today's second and final (promise) part of our Excel rollercoaster takes a look at the three most watched shows for each Christmas week since 1998, and compares how varied each channel's output was. The single programmes named are used, apart from where a number of shows receive a single hit, so we've grouped those by genre.

Who had the most eclectic line-up of the Big Five? Well, top of the heap, winning a commemorative bag of mixed nuts...

A tie between BBC Two and Channel Four. Traditionally the two channels with less to risk over the big Christmas day schedule (often resulting in them flinging an old film or opera on), the last nine years have seen the channels wheeling out some of their big hitters. Channel Four saw Deal Or No Deal take up the top six slots of their 2006 Xmas week ratings, and for the past few years The Weakest Link has been BBC Two's main offering. Both have used The Simpsons to good effect for a short period, BBC Two until they lost it to Channel Four, Channel Four until they got a bit confused and started shifting it all around the schedules. Both have had a special Christmas Pie (chart) containing the fruits and nine different shows and/or genres, suggesting above all else that we really haven't thought this through properly.

Third on the list, Five have always had trouble finding something to fling into their Christmas schedules. While this has led to some actual hidden gold in our festive Radio Times (Jerry Sadowitz vs The People Of New York), it's only been the twin guns of Home & Away and CSI that have given them a more respectable share of viewers too full of turkey and After Eights to go out or prance around in front of Wii Sports.

Fourth place falls to 'The One' (as absolutely no-one outside of Television Centre calls it), with a possibly surprising four different shows making up their pie. While the 'comeback' episodes of ...Badly, ...Dibley and ...Horses all failed to trouble the chuckle muscles of discerning comedy fans (or, at least, us), they clearly got enough of arses on the nation's couches to be considered a big hit. And if we've got to say something nice about The Vicar Of Dibley... erm, the bit where Carol Vorderman knelt on the floor to beg for votes during the final of Britain's Favourite Sitcom made us feel a bit funny in our 'special area'.

In last place, ITV1. With it's one 'Christmas' show. That pie chart probably says enough about their efforts over each festive season, really. It'd be great if a TV Burp Christmas Special did well enough to sneak into that pie for this time next year, though.

Right, we're going to leave Excel well along for the rest of the month. No more numbers. Promise.

Read More

BrokenTV's Telly Yule (B)Log: Day Two

Onto the second day of our Christlemas Parade, and it's time to look at one of the traditional complaints about modern Christmas telly. "Eeh, it's not as good as it used to be. You used to get thirty million people watching Mike Yarwood, you know", is something uttered quite often, even if it's usually from the mouth of someone who used to be on our screens in the 1970s, and they're about to start going on about Political Correctness. And, of course, they're not completely wrong.

It's clear that the rise of digital TV, the increased popularity of videogaming and DVDs (and hey, maybe even going out and doing stuff) has had an effect on viewing figures for the 'proper' channels over the years. But then, we're saying the fact that where you once had Morecambe & Wise or The Two Ronnies strutting their stuff over the schedules on the 25th, and you now have Lucas, Walliams and Tate doing their catchphrases in slightly different settings instead, that's got to be a factor too. But anyway, let's take a look at a dull graph.

All figures are taken from BARB's website, and only the viewing figures for a single broadcast of a show are used (meaning there's no figure padding from omnibus editions). The figures for each year are taken from the full Christmas Week (that is, the week containing the 25th of December for each year).

And there you go. Note how the figures are on a rather obvious downward trend for the big two, save for a Trotters-comeback spike for BBC One from 2001. However, the others have remained largely consistent over the nine years, with Five even posting a notable increase in viewers over the years. Most of the years show BBC One winning the ratings battle, but given the cliche that ITV never bother making an effort over Christmas, they don't perform too badly. Unless, of course, all their figures are from Coronation Street alone. Maybe we'll say whether that's the case in our bullet points of

SOME THINGS WE HAVE NOTICED FROM LOOKING AT LOTS OF CHRISTMAS WEEK VIEWING FIGURES

• BBC Two's most popular programme over Christmas Week in 2001 being a repeat of Dad's Army (5.16m viewers).
  
  
• Brookside managing to remain Channel Four's most popular festive offering, right up until 2002, where it promptly disappears from the list.
  
  
• 100 Greatest Films making Channel Four's top 3 Christmas shows of 2002, and top stop with '...Musicals' in 2003, inspiring them to churn out increasingly desperate (and disparate) imitations. This reaches its nadir in 2007 with 100 Greatest Catchphrases (we're not making this up), at which point we predict Channel Four will promptly disappear up Andy Duncan's arse.
  
  
• The disappointing Only Fools and Horses comeback specials giving BBC One a boost from 2001. The show did drop 4.97m viewers between the first and third of the specials. And quite right, because they were pretty bad.
  
  
• ITV's top threes for each year all being Coronation Street. It's worth noting that the show they'd imagined as being their Christmas saviour on Christmas Day 2003, World Idol (it's like the World Cup of Pop Idolitary!) attracted a meagre 4.55m viewers, sneaking just 29th point on the ITV1 top 30 for that week.
  
  
• BBC Two's biggest Christmas week audience since 1998 being for 2005's Catherine Tate Christmas Show (5.66m). That was more than the same year's ill-advised Big Family Christmas Day Comedy on BBC One, The Green Green Grass (a piffling 4.59m). Boycie's mirth-lite adventures also attracted less of an audience than the same week's showing of big hitters Watchdog, The National Lottery: Millionaire Manor and The Six O'Clock News (Tue). It just beat the repeat of Open All Hours, though.
  
  
• Five saw it's audience grow notably from around 2002, where it realised flinging on episode of various CSIs was a lot more popular than actually commissioning a programme itself.
  
  
• In 2006, BBC Two's most popular Christmas Week programme was It Started With Swap Shop (3.99m). This almost makes up for that Catherine Tate thing two bullet points back. The same year saw Deal Or No Deal become possibly Channel Four's biggest Christmas Show since The Snowman. A stunning nine of their top ten shows for the week involved Noel and The Banker, with just The Big Fat Quiz Of The Year spoiling the party in sixth place. That's an aggregate total of 29.59 million viewers. Jeepers.

Read More

It's BrokenTV's Telly Yule (B)Log: Day One

As it's Christmas Month (or if you insist, December), we've not only spent a while Xmassing up the image at the top of the blog, but we've also gone and set ourselves the task of posting an update about Christmas telly every day until the 24th of December.

(READER'S VOICE: "Like an advent calendar? But isn't that pretty much the same as what the excellent DigiCream Times are doing? They're much better than you, bignose.")

Gah. We'd thought of doing an advent calendar, but because we're all about the new and original ideas, we're not going to copy what they're doing. No, what we've got is an advent yule (b)log. That has twenty-four doors on it. And a Christmas telly thing behind each door.

(READER'S VOICE: "That doesn't even make any sense.")

Oh, hush. The chances are, we'll give up before the halfway mark, or just end up posting the results of us typing the words "Xmas" and "TV" into YouTube. But that sort of lackadaisical attitude is at least a week away, so for now we're going to take a look at a Christmas tape.

Now, let's open door one of our... thing that isn't an advent calendar.

DAY ONE: ATV's 1977 XMAS TAPE (YouTube link)

(READER'S VOICE: "Everyone already knows about Christmas tapes, and more people have seen White Powder Christmas than last year's festive edition of EastEnders. ")

[BrokenTV pokes reader in eye with pencil.]

(READER'S VOICE: "Wah!")

Indeed, everyone who could possibly want to has seen White Powder Christmas and it's follow up Good King Memorex, and it'd be nice to hope that the late 1970s tapes from other TV companies were of a similar not-technically-very-entertaining-but-certainly-interesting standard. And surely, what with it being an ITV region, you'd certainly hope that with all the money their unions insisted Lew Grade give them, the ATV VT department would have a treat in store.

The tape gets off to a fairly standard start, as the classic ATV and ITC logos kick the tape off, but with the soundtrack of the 20th Century Fox in the background in a pre-digital ramshackle manner. An ATV announcer bids us welcome, and we're into an archive programme promo from 1973. "'73 is ITV!" chirrups Voiceover Man, and suddenly we plummet into the first of the three types of 'joke' that there are in Christmas tapes. We're going to point them out using occasional bullet points, so they're easier to spot.

CHRISTMAS TAPES JOKE ONE: Playing the soundtrack to something "normal" over footage of some rubbish soft-core pornography.

Yes, as we're told to expect "the friendliest programmes" we see a woman with large breasts pretending to do some sex. As we're invited to watch "the biggest stars", we see a woman with large breasts juggling them around on a stage. And so on. Boo! We want to see Shaw Taylor saying "arseholes" or something.

Ha ha, nuts. Like a man's testicles! We get that joke!

A quick cut to the proper ATV logo, only for a member of (we assume) The VT Crowd bursting through it while pretending to be Leo, The MGM Lion. This is what we want from our thirty year old videotaped in-jokes. But no, we're treated to another montage of soft-grot clips. At least we now know what all of those union-negotiated massive pay increases were spent on, eh?

Luckily, Mr Announcer Man is back to chastise the editor of the tape and set us back on the right path. So, we get a shot of Lew Grade looking slightly uncomfortable at an award ceremony, a reconstruction of the launch of the BBC, and a special 1970s headfuck version of the ATV ident.

Sadly, this promise is not lived up to. After something that looks like it's going to be a brilliant shot-for-shot remake of the titles for The Muppet Show starring members of The VT Crowd, we're back to clips of rubbish porn and excerpts from commercials that look slightly rude. Which we'd better provide a snapshot of, just to placate the self-touchers who are inevitably now going to find this site through a Google search for "large breasts".

Of course, we're only going to post a shot of something
that won't get our xs.to account cancelled

That's pretty much par for the course for the remainder of the tape. There is an offensive bean-based poem by someone who might be a local news reporter, and an impression of Statler and Waldorf by a couple of spuff-obsessed VT chaps (on the actual Muppets set, mind), and that's your lot. Not very impressive, all in.

FINAL CHRISTMAS TAPE SCORE: 2/10

Read More

The Two Sides of News International

Side One

Side Two

'Balance', there. Fucking. Hell.

Read More

ViaCompletely Unfair

It's quite rare we'll post an update that's just a link to someone else's YouTube video, which you've probably seen already anyway. After all, if we did that sort of thing, you'd expect us to update every day. The very thought! But this video -

- is the best one we've seen about the US Writer's Stike. It's like the Daily Show never went away. If any of BrokenTV's Californian readers find themselves near a writer's picket line over the next few weeks, feel free to give your car horn a good old supportive toot on our behalf. If indeed you exist, which is admittedly unlikely.

SEMIRELATEDLY! The staff of BrokenFM and Booked(Offside) have actually been on strike themselves for several weeks now, because we won't give them any of our crisps. In our defence, they're beef flavour Discos. We've offered them the cheese and onion flavour, which we don't like, only to see our offer rebuffed. Expect this one to run and run.

Read More

The Liking Ricky Gervais Bell Curve

His new DVD is more of the same. The same boastful arrogance, garnished with a thin layer of "it's okay, I'm being ironic. Or am I? Yes, I am. Possibly". But how come every time one of his live shows is announced, thousands of drooling credit card holders clamour to pester Ticketmaster, and yet when he gets shoved in front of a massive audience at a live charity event (Concert For Diana, Live 8) he manages to die on his arse? Here's a normal distribution graph which displays what the British public think of him. And us, at the time of writing.

We've saved it as a .psd file, so we can re-use this joke for lots of other things in the future. We don't even care if we've got the concept of bell curves completely wrong, because we only actually studied A Level maths for one hour before quitting.

Read More

It's BrokenTV's Football Nightmares DVD!

[Outside shot of a non league football ground, upon which the inserts for all lo quality cash in football nightmares DVDs must be filmed, by law. The nation's favourite Telly Blog That Was Quite Good For A Week In March bounds onto the pitch in a retro football shirt, because you don't have to pay any image rights to Mr Umbro if you wear a generic retro shirt. BrokenTV trots to the centre circle, and blows a referee's whistle to 'kick off' the feature.]

Phweeeep! Hello, and welcome to our special look at the world of cynically cheap cash-in D-list celebrity-based football blooper videos. These are the items that always used to pop up around Christmas time, feature a gurning celebrity wearing a generic replica shirt. But now their position in under threat. Their usual habitat - positions 51-75 in the Asda Sound and Vision section DVD chart any time after the middle of November - is gradually being invaded by their natural predators. Cynical cash-in celebrity-based 'interactive' DVD quiz games. Could 2007 be the a final hurrah for a genre of DVD or video that no-one has ever, ever actually bought a copy of for themselves, unless it was in a sale and it was well under £3? We shall see.

But before we get going, we'd better undergo a cheap title sequence...

[The screen fades to a 1980s-issue blue-cyan gradient background, with Quantelled boxes floating around the screen showing a montage of comical own goals, referees falling over, 'wacky' goal celebations and the odd insert of BrokenTV indulging in typical silent football whimsy - jumping around in the penalty area as if waiting for a corner to be delivered only for the ball to come from the other direction and strike it on the back of the head, leaning on a goalpost reading a newspaper as the ball flies past in the net, being nutmegged by a four year old girl, all to the sound of the cheapest jolly library music the director could find. At the end of the montage, a caption appears in an unpleasant typeface: BrokenTV's Football Nightmares.]

The football blooper video was begat by Danny Baker, with his seminal 1992 work Own Goals and Gaffs. Well, he hosted it, anyway. And we're pretty sure it was the first. We can't really be bothered checking, to be honest. He then set to work refining the art, with such works as More Own Goals and Gaffs, and The Best of Own Goals and Gaffs.

After Baker's success, coupled with the success of Fantasy Football League and They Think It's All Over, football and comedy were seen as perfect partners for companies specialising in shoving cynical 'product' to 'market' towards the 'holiday' 'season'. As a result, the back section of Loaded would often be flooded with adverts for the damn things, and well as dozens of half-hearted interviews with the likes of Neil Morrissey (called? Of course! "Footballers Behaving Badly" It didn't make it to DVD), Rory McGrath and Nick Hancock, where they'd somehow claim they'd had a lot to do with their respective blooper videos, even though all they'd actually done was spend one morning being filmed at Kettering Town's ground, and an afternoon recording their witty voiceovers. And then pocketing their slice of YOUR NAN'S pension, because she knows her grandchild likes football, and that nice man off of the telly is on the cover. The scoundrels.

Since then, everyone has been at it. David Seaman. Gordon Ramsay. Ian Huntley. You name anyone who has been in the public eye over the last twelve years, and you can bet a production company has looked up "nightmare" in a thesaurus and then sent their agent a fax.

Join us now, as we give you a run-down of Amazon's top fourteen football blooper videos, replete with the facts that YOU need to know, so you can decide if they'll be worth buying when you see them in a pound shop in March. Starting from the most popular. Although 'popular' probably isn't the correct term.

Paddy McGuinness - All Star Balls Ups

The 'Star'
It's Paddy off of Phoenix Nights and bad stand-up comedy.

The Cover
Paddy off of Phoenix Nights and bad stand-up comedy does his best shit-eating grin, even though he's just had his head unceremoniously cut off and badly Photoshopped onto a replica football shirt. All whilst surrounded by the visages of several former footballers. They could at least of had him merrily pretending he'd been hit on the head by a football, and the stars are circling his head as a Looney Tunes-inspired result. And come on, it probably isn't the best footy bloopers in the world, is it.

What Possibly Happens
Paddy off of Phoenix Nights and bad stand-up comedy interviews several characters from the game about their favourite footballing mishaps. Whilst crowbarring in several jokes from his lacklustre stand-up act, we shouldn't wonder.

Amazon Sales Rank: 91
Crikey. Well, if we were forced at gunpoint to choose between this and Peter Kay's latest rip-off DVD (it's a 'best of Peter Kay live' this year, although of course the packaging tries it's best to look like a brand new stand-up show), it'd be this. But unless Amazon are forcing people to buy football blooper DVDs at some sort of online gunpoint, we're not sure how this is selling so well.

Gary Lineker's Action Replay



The 'Star'
Gary Lineker, off of crisps.

The Cover
Like some sort of special football magician, Gary has magicked up a montage of footballing moments. Includes: Kevin Keegan losing it and Gazza about to blub because he's Gazza and shouldn't ever have received any yellow cards ever because he's England's Talisman.

What Possibly Happens
Quips aplenty. And at least one self-effacing joke about crisps.

Amazon Sales Rank: 123
Sure to do well as a last-minute panic choice for parents and grandparents. There's a 48% chance of BrokenTV's Mum buying a copy of this for someone in December.

Ian Wright - It Really Shouldn't Happen To A Footballer



The 'Star'
Ian "Wright Wright" Wright, who has majestically promoted Mark Lawrenson to the heights of only the second most annoying pundit currently employed by BBC Sport.

The Cover
Oh noes! Ian Wright is being attacked by dozens of clip-art footballs! He seems quite happy about it, though. Note how the designer has spelled 'gaffes' with an 'e', which is possibly a watershed moment in football blooper videodom.

What Possibly Happens
Wrighty drones on in a chirpy cockney manner, and quite possibly uses the word 'fuck' once to ensure an 'edgy, but not too edgy' 12 certificate.

Amazon Sales Rank: 657
We're slipping down the league table now.

Ricky Tomlinson - Football My Arse



The 'Star'
Ricky "My Arse" Tomlinson, off of Cracker. BrokenTV once saw him outside the Wrexham branch of Iceland, chatting with a policeman. That's right, look impressed.

The Cover
You may have noted it's referred to as "Ricky's Football DVD" in the adverts running on Sky Sports News, which would be pretty unimaginative. But still more imaginative than the one they've actually used. We're pretty sure this is at least the third product Ricky Tomlinson has released to use the format "[Subject] My Arse".

What Possibly Happens
Going by the adverts, he wanders around a non-league football pitch, and hilarity presumably ensues. There may well be a 20-minute section at the end where he tries to claim that no-one involved in a builder's union has ever done anything violent towards non-striking builders in the middle of a strike, despite being presented with overwhelming evidence to the contrary, which could make him go down in your estimation a bit, but hopefully that'll be tucked away in the extras.

Amazon Sales Rank: 771
We bet it'd sell more copies if it were called "A Lot Of People Seem To Forget I Was Really Good In Cracker, But Anyway, Here's Some Football Bloopers".

Manchester United Own Goals & Gaffes



The 'Stars'
Two people off of Corrie. Tyrone and Kirk, apparently.

The Cover
Tyrone (we think) seems to be celebrating something, although given the video seems to consist of Manchester United players scoring own goals, we're not quite sure why. We suspect this photo was taken as the boys were told how much each was getting paid for doing this video. Tyrone has the better agent, clearly.

What Possibly Happens
The boys sit in the stands of Old Trafford In Association With AIG and wax lyrical about Manchester United's worst blunders over the years. It may include the bit where Juan Sebastián Verón signs for the club at a price of £28m. A-ha-ha-ha.

Amazon Sales Rank: 4,898
Another thing about this DVD that we're not quite sure of is just why any Manchester United fans would even want to see a video of their clubs' biggest mess-ups. As a bit of filler on MUTV, maybe. On sale at £18, maybe not. That sales figure proves us, quite expectedly, to be right.

Gordon Ramsay's Football Hell (2005)



The 'Star'
Swearing's Gordon Ramsay.

The Cover
He has served up a football flambé. Because it is in hell.

What Possibly Happens
We'd bet a fiver on it kicking off with something about football being a lot like working in a kitchen. Other than that, the usual fare, but there's bound to be a moment where he pretends to be a bit embarrassed about a picture of him in a Rangers team photo. It's only a '12' certificate, so there won't be that much swearing in it.

Amazon Sales Rank: 5,454
For an old DVD, this is performing more respectably than many new releases. But really, we still doubt the sales of this have reached four figures.

Nick Hancock's Football Nightmares [1996]



The 'Star'
Nick Hancock, off of annoying radio adverts about personal injury lawyers. He used to be quite good until about the fifth series of They Think It's All Over.

The Cover
Gah! He's having a (chuckle) football nightmare! Although it would have been more realistic if he'd been wearing pyjamas and been in a bed or something. You do get two other similar videos free, though (Football Hell, and Football Doctor).

What Possibly Happens
We've actually got this (on VHS), and have actually watched it, having received it as a Christmas present in (we think) 1996. It's not all that bad, dating from the immediate post-Baker age where people could still be bothered putting a bit of effort in. It does include the memorable voice-over from Hancock "He's clear... he's clear... [footballer spoons over from three yards] he's clearly a twat", and a trip to Stoke Poges.

Amazon Sales Rank: 7,653
Nick Hancock used to be genuinely entertaining on pretty much anything, not least when he appeared on Fantasy Football League and said "David Mellor is a fucking cunt". It's a bit of a pity Hancock's Half Time only came about eight years after he stopped trying to be any good.

Piers Morgan - The Good, The Gaffes & The Ugly



The 'Star'
Piers Morgan, off of being sacked from the Daily Mirror. Fucking hell.

The Cover
Piers clenches his fists in a moment of pretend ecstasy. Meanwhile, a designer plonks a huge England flag into the background, to try and distract everyone from the fact the DVD has got Piers Morgan in it.

What Possibly Happens
We suspect this is actually a blank DVD and the whole affair is actually some sort of tax dodge. Who on earth would want to buy a football bloopers DVD hosted by Piers Morgan? Apart from Piers Morgan?

Amazon Sales Rank: 9,185
Coming soon to a huge pile of unsold DVDs reduced to £1 in Home Bargains. Just next to all the copies of Double Take.

Lovejoy and Redknapp's Best Of Football



The 'Stars'
Tim Lovejoy, off of being a corporate shill, and Jamie Redknapp off of being a football pundit so dull he makes Alan Shearer look like Bobcat Goldthwait.

The Cover
Lovejoy and Redknapp stand next to some footballs. All very crashingly dull.

What Possibly Happens
Tim Lovejoy does lots of smug comments about his hair, and Jamie Redknapp says "yes" occasionally.

Amazon Sales Rank: 11,390
That's more than 2000 places lower than Piers Morgan's DVD. If there's anything that could stop Tim Lovejoy being so smug on his ill-advised MLS highlight show, it's that cold hard fact right there.

Own Goals And Gaffs - The Premiership [2002]

The 'Star'
Rory McGrath, off of being totally rubbish on They Think It's All Over, and being surprisingly excellent every time he's on QI.

The Cover
The most generic cover you could possible imagine. Although, prepare your guffaw muscles, the footballer in red has 'Howler' on the back of his shirt, which sounds a bit like 'Fowler'. There's a famous footballer called 'Fowler'! Ha ha! They haven't even bothered to use a photo of Rory McGrath.

What Possibly Happens
Rory McGrath adapts his "They Think It's All Over" persona, as opposed to his "QI" persona. As a result, it will be rubbish.

Amazon Sales Rank: 13,775
At least it's got the excuse of being a few years old. It might even have been nudging the top 8,000 a few years ago.

Bradley Walsh's Soccer Shockers (2006)



The 'Star'
Bradley Walsh. Off of... things.

The Cover
Bradley Walsh looking shocked by an unseen event. What could it be? Denis Irwin being fisted by [stop right there - Legal Ed.]

What Possibly Happens
The same that happens in all the others, although there's bound to be a knowing reference to "Oh, it's only Ray Parlour".

Amazon Sales Rank: 14,336
If your parents buy you this DVD for Christmas, it's their way of saying they actually hate you, and wish you were dead, only they're too polite to say that to your face.

David Seaman - Jeepers Keepers (2004)



The 'Star'
David "Ponytail" Seaman, off of being the worst permanent team member on a panel show ever. After three jokes about Ronaldinho by Nick Hancock and Rory McGrath, all that was left for him to do was to go "hur hur hur" at Rory's jokes about David Beckham.

The Cover
Oh, Mr Puma. Why you make so many footballs?

What Possibly Happens
Some football clips are shown. David goes "hur hur hur" a lot. Then he makes a jokey reference to that goal he let in against Brazil in the 2002 World Cup.

Amazon Sales Rank: 15,765
If you buy one copy of this today, there's a massive chance it'll go up at least 800 places in the chart. Not that you'd want to.

Mark & Lard: Football Nightmares (2006)



The 'Star'
Mark and Lard, off of radio. Shit, we really like them.

The Cover
Mark and Lard watch football on their telly.

What Possibly Happens
We're kind of hoping it's really rather good, like they were when they were on the Graveyard Shift on Radio One (the last show of which we re-listened to recently, and it was tremendously good). It very probably isn't, though.

Amazon Sales Rank: 16,656
We've actually got this DVD, because it was in a sale about a year ago, for £2. We've never actually felt compelled to watch it, lest it tarnish the memory of their time together on Radio One. Some day, we will watch it. And we will die a little inside.

Big Ron's Mad Managers (2004)



The 'Star'
Ron Atkinson, off of being sacked from ITV Sport for making a racist comment on live television.

The Cover
Ron Atkinson, performing a tribute to Nick "Football Nightmare" Hancock's Football Nightmares cover shot. Possibly using the time he was being sacked from ITV Sport for making a racist comment on live television as motivation.

What Possibly Happens
Ron Atkinson makes sarcastic comments about the actions of other football managers, even though none of the actions will be anywhere near as bad as being sacked from ITV Sport for making a racist comment on live television.

Amazon Sales Rank: 17,202
Maybe he could have teamed up with Jim Davidson and Roy "Chubby" Brown and complained about immigration between the clips instead. It seems to work quite well for those two.

[A visibly muddied BrokenTV picks up it's football and begins to trudge back towards the changing room.]

Well, that's all from our round up of cynical cash-in football blooper DVDs. What have we learned? Not much, admittedly. What changes have we seen in cynical cash-in football blooper DVDs over the years? Not much, except we expect most of this year's batch rely heavily on clips they've taken from YouTube.

Erm, that's it.

[BrokenTV looks around a bit, looks faintly embarrassed, then remembers it still has a referee's whistle in it's pocket.]

Phweeep-phweep-phweeeeeeep! Erm... full-time, everyone?

Read More