We have to admit, the fakery skills of the YouTube faux-continuity community are becoming increasingly realistic. You can’t even tell this was made using MS Paint and Windows Video Maker AT ALL.
After all, were it not for the fanciful notion of ITV bothering with actual Olympic coverage, we might even have been fooled. Oh RIGHT – as if they were going to pick one Olympics to cover, and then make it one taking place all the way over in South Korea? Chinny reck-ON.
Wait, what?
[Speaking of The Mike Sammes Singers – which we will in a few sentences – you could do a lot worse than pick up a copy of excellent TMSS collection Music For Biscuits. And reading publisher Trunk Records’ lovely piece on the great man’s work. “Fine Fare”, we’re sure you’ll agree. A-ha-ha.]
Yesterday’s talk of ITV past somehow somehow let several hundred words fall from our fingers without mention of the most memorable event for our first five years on this planet.
(Reader’s voice: “What’s that? The death of Elvis? The Silver Jubilee? Panini launching a sticker album all about motorbikes, even though you hated and still hate motorbikes, but were fascinated by all the motorcycle manufacturer logos for some reason, you strange, troubled little child, you?”)
Well, very close with that last one, but no. It was of course: this, probably The Mike Sammes Singers’ finest hour.
“I’m winning, Mildred!” “What ARE you doing?” “I’m playing with myself.”
Following the runaway success of ITV1 ratings juggernaut (SUB: PLEASE CHECK) RED OR BLACK, Simon Cowell’s production company Syco have devised a number of new and innovative gameshow formats, due to hit the nation's screens in 2012. BrokenTV's Dark Arts Dept have infiltrated Syco's underground lair to obtain these EXCLUSIVE details on What Simon Cowell Did Next.
Two teams of 512 contestants, one captained by Ant, one by Dec. Each must take part in the world's biggest game of noughts and crosses, assembling themselves into shapes on a huge 3x3 grid on board an aircraft carrier in the North Atlantic. After each game, the remaining players are assigned into two more teams and the game repeated in a different pointlessly huge locale, until two individuals finally face-off in front of a live studio audience for the chance to win ONE MILLION POUNDS.
Two teams of 1024 contestants. Two giant logs adorned with the letters 'A' and 'B', two cannons, and a trip around the great rivers of the world. Only one contestant can ultimately win a trip to Disneyland, where they will battle a giant animatronic Winnie The Pooh (with sticks) for a chance to win ONE MILLION POUNDS.
12,288 lucky contestants have been bussed into Syco's secret underground studio, where they are expected to predict the outcome of Rock, Paper, Scissor matches between members of inoffensive dance combo Diversity. One lucky winner will be the recipient of ONE MILLION POUNDS, while the 12,287 unlucky losers will be forced into a lifetime of servitude reporting unauthorised uploads of Syco artists on YouTube.
65,536 contestants are packed into Wembley stadium, and each has been assigned a number between one and a hundred. Will their number be picked by walking internet meme and Syco employee #2457 David Hassellhoff? If so, they get to continue their journey towards winning a prize of HOW EVER MANY POUNDS DAVID HASSELHOFF IS THINKING OF.
Aussie television blog TV Tonight reports that a British version of transgenerational celebrity panel show TALKIN’ ‘BOUT YOUR GENERATION could well be in the works, with original host Shaun Micallef under consideration to present the pilot episode. Now, that would clearly be great news for British fans of Shaun Micallef, of which there seem to be a surprisingly large amount considering the only work of his to ever be shown in here went out on Paramount on weeknights at 11pm about seven years ago, and whose work has never been released on DVD in the UK. Micallef fans aside, it could also provide a shot in the arm for pre-watershed non-Cowell entertainment on ITV, with the only genuinely exciting new format of the last few years, the marvellous PENN & TELLER: FOOL US being bounced around the schedules so much the series finale was sneaked out several weeks after the rest of the series on a different day of the week.
While some might (incorrectly) argue that the Penn & Teller show held little of interest for those who think magic shows are a relic of the past, TAYG should hold a more universal appeal by design. The format of the game – a battle of wits between the Baby Boomer generation, Generation X and Gen Y – means that there’s something viewers of all ages can relate to. Given the right host and team captains, while it’s not a format likely to gather a huge audience immediately, it could certainly prove to become a sleeper hit that grows an audience steadily as time goes on, much as happened with TV Burp. Providing of course, that it isn’t ditched because the first episodes didn’t bag seven million viewers.
A big part of TAYG’s success down under is down to the choice of team captains, with the mumsy Amanda Keller, smart-alecky bigger brother type Charlie Pickering and Josh Thomas, very much the ‘Alan Davies’ of the ensemble, who maintains a pupil/teacher relationship with host Shaun Micallef, combining effortlessly with the format of the show. Another major factor is that the show has evolved as each series has progressed, with what started as a relatively traditional quiz-based panel show having since become less and less conventional, to the point where the episode screened in Australia just a few hours ago saw the cast members switching roles, performing an entire episode dressed up and performing as each other.
Having the right choice of host – who in this instance happens to be the co-creator of the format – is integral to all this, with more and more of the humour we’ve come to expect from Shaun Micallef seeping into the show, even going as far to include specially shot sketches with the likes of Francis Greenslade and Kat Stewart, or pre-recorded appearances from characters performed by Micallef himself, such as “Former Heavyweight Champion of Goat Island” Milo Kerrigan, or a Japanese cliché-spouting Hello Kitty toy, with which real-Shaun interacts expertly.
The changes that have taken place are perhaps best illustrated by screencaps of the questionmaster in action. Here’s Shaun in the first series, with a modest desk, and a single prop telephone, regularly used to mimic angry calls from the producer each time he delivers an especially corny joke.
By the time of series three, any number of props appear on the desk, changing from episode to episode, most of which are never even referred to (like Shaun’s Tyrell Corp high-backed chair), while some (such as Stuart the Stuffed Meerkat, who springs up holding items any of the guests might be there to plug) are frequently remarked upon.
And that’s before we get to the increasingly common themed episodes, of course:
All of which makes us a little concerned at how the ITV version of the series might turn out (and it would be ITV – the show is a Granada Australia/ITV Studios production, so they already own the rights). The last decade has taught us that when ITV has a new light entertainment format, they tend to spin the ITV Whirly-Wheel Of The Half-Dozen Presenters We Like Right Now, and give it to whichever name clicks into place. Should TAYG UK become a full series, we suspect the host would end up being VERNON KAY, DERMOT O’LEARY, JONATHAN ROSS, JASON MANFORD or (may God have mercy on our souls) PADDY McGUINNESS. and we can’t really imagine any of those having the same sort of impact.
Instead, there are only five real candidates for the role as far as we’re concerned. And here they are:
SHAUN MICALLEF
THE CASE FOR: Clearly the best at doing the job. Effortlessly funny. A keen student of classic British comedy, so much so that the last episode of TAYG saw him throw in a Goon Show reference. More television viewers in this country would be introduced to the work of Shaun Micallef.
THE CASE AGAINST: Micallef might well not want to be away from his family for the few months of the year that TAYG UK would run, and even then, nor might the co-writers who help make the show what it is. More importantly, we suspect the ITV programme commissioners couldn’t countenance the idea of giving a primetime UK television show to someone who isn’t already well-known here.
PETER SERAFINOWICZ
THE CASE FOR: Probably the British comedy performer most like the multi-talented Micallef. After seeing Brian Butterfield slot in so well with the Shooting Stars format last week, having occasional questions posed by a pre-recorded Butterfield in a British version of TAYG would be wonderful, and Serafinowicz’s inventive humour would be well-suited to coming up with the kinds of question asked during the later rounds of the game.
THE CASE AGAINST: When Peter S does crop up on panel shows like Would I Lie To You or 8 Out of 10 Cats he hasn’t really been at his best, though that might because chipping in with the occasional comment isn’t really his style – a programme centred around him would be a different prospect. More pertinently, with him becoming increasingly popular in the US – his was the most interesting character in sitcom misfire Running Wilde, and he’s due to take part in the Arrested Development movie – he may well have neither the time nor inclination to host an ITV panel show.
ROB BRYDON
THE CASE FOR: Quick witted, able to adapt to a number of personalities, the kind of performer everyone’s mum likes. There’s a good chance he’d be willing to take on the role too, we’d imagine.
THE CASE AGAINST: We don’t think he’d be quite as good in the hosting role as Micallef or Serafinowicz. Might be tied to the BBC – we don’t think he’s fronted anything for another network since 2004’s Director’s Commentary for ITV1.
JASPER CARROTT
THE CASE FOR: Maybe a bolt out of the blue this one, but his spell hosting early evening gameshow Gits Win Prizes Goldenballs proves that he’s perfectly capable of hosting such a show. If Carrott can rediscover the form the saw him become Britain’s favourite stand-up for the late 1980s and early 1990s, he could still do well here. If nothing else, it’d be brilliant to have Jasper Carrott back on Saturday night telly.
THE CASE AGAINST: Now in his sixties, he’s probably a bit too old now to go back to doing characters, even if that would only be a minor part of the show. Of the people on our shortlist, Carrott would possibly prove the biggest risk, and there’s a large chance he’s perfectly happy living off the fortune he made from Celador.
HARRY HILL
THE CASE FOR: Surely he’ll have to try something that isn’t TV Burp eventually? No, we’re not counting You’ve Been Framed, it seems he just knocks out all those voiceovers in a single week. Mr Harry could certainly breathe a lot of life into a British version of TAYG, and the format would give him an ideal opportunity to bring back characters such as Stouffer the Cat or Bert Kwouk.
THE CASE AGAINST: There’s a danger the show would become more about Harry Hill than anything else, and unlike with (say) Shooting Stars where the guests are merely meat in the room, the guests on TAYG are there to actually take part. Such a role would require him to come a little bit out of character at time – which as we’ve seen with his godawful I Wanna Baby single or radio interviews where he bemoans the BBC spending money on programmes that he doesn’t like, might not be a good thing.
Sadly, we do suspect that it’ll be none of the above, and it’ll probably end up as a vehicle for Keith fucking Lemon. PROVE US WRONG, ITV. Just because Australian television picked the wrong host for their version of TV Burp (Ed Kavalee, who we don’t have anything against, just that he wasn’t quite right for the series), it doesn’t mean that you should return the favour.
Here’s a sample clip of the show in action. It’s a segment from a special episode where the guests are real-life relatives of the team captains, and where Josh Thomas’ grandmother Mona puts in a wonderful performance.
After a week of banging on about a now-defunct newspaper (just before it relaunches with a new name but without several dozen salaried employees who hadn’t stopped to think why working for a company where union membership is forbidden might be a bad idea), back to telly stuff. Have you ever wanted to carry The Light Channel around in your pocket? Well NOW YOU CAN, with the ITV Player app for iPhone, iPod Touch and iPad. Here is our mildly comprehensive review. Of it.
Because we grew up reading a lot of videogame magazines, we’ll score it out of 100. To make things interesting, we’re going to assume a basic score of 50%, then add or subtract points by feature, then arriving at a final score.
First thing you’ll notice is that on installing the app (a free download +5% with a mere 2.8MB footprint +5%, that works on both handheld and tablet iThings +3%) is that it asks where you live. This is to ensure that you’re in a region where you’re allowed to watch the programmes they have the rights to, which is certainly fair enough. You wouldn’t expect a Hulu app to work in the UK, after all, and no reason why an ITV app should work overseas.
Only one problem here, though. Thanks to ITVplc’s long-running feud with tartan-clad mavericks STV, allow your iThing to detect you’re in Scotland and you’ll be frozen out of the fun –6%. But before you mutter a forlorn “jings! Crivens! Help ma boab!” to yourself, it’s easily circumvented – you don’t have to use the location recognition, you can simply tap in a postcode. The app’s FAQ even tells you how to wipe the details you’ve entered and resubmit a location, so you don’t even need a day trip to Berwick to get it up and running. Phew. +5%. We’re not sure if this means you can easily use the app outside the British Isles by simply tapping in SW1A 2AA as your home address. We’re happy to test it out if anyone wants to buy us a plane fare to, say, Tokyo.
A few updates ago, we mentioned a phenomena we’re now going to dub “Why URLs Are Seemingly Worse Than Swearing According To Digital Channels” (clunky, but roll with it) after catching a More4 broadcast of The Daily Show which had a reference to The Daily Show’s website cackhandedly edited out of the UK broadcast. We also referred to the clumsy removal of the URL “Amazon.com” when Jon Stewart interviewed the boss of Amazon.com during an earlier edition of The Daily Show. We pretended to get all angry about it, and then complained that Someone Ought To Do Something, without planning to Do Something ourselves (other than whine about it). Such is our wont.
Anyway, during our latest meander through the BrokenTV PVR (258 unviewed programmes, 30.17% available space) we stumbled over an old episode of Tarrant On TV, dating from 2005 and repeated a couple of months ago from ITV4. As generally happens during many episodes of the long-running series, in a link nearing the end of part one, Chris Tarrant’s face switches from “cuh! those zany foreign comedy shows, eh? mode” to “full newsflash-level gravitas mode” within the space of a comma. Time for some serious, issue-based clips.
Now, it’d be easy to embark on a Generic Blog Hack Rant about jarring gear changes when it comes to Tarrant (nee Clive James) on TV, but the fact of the matter is that they do serve a purpose. The viewer is feeling quite jolly after seeing the latest adverts for Thai bidet wholesalers (or in this specific example, a spoof advert from Saturday Night Live for a luxury car with a functioning vagina called The Mistress, aimed at the duplicitous husband market, followed by a hidden camera “lady doctor is actually dominatrix” bit), so that when a harrowing drunk driving advert from New Zealand is shown, the message has that much more of an impact. Much in the same way as “serious message” adverts tend to hit home when preceded by an ad for Moonpig.
The “serious bit” of the edition of Tarrant on TV that we’ve just watched followed immediately on from the aforementioned SNL shagmobile skit and Dr Whiplash stunt. The intro ran thus:
Jollyface Tarrant: “Those thrashings were almost slapstick”
Serious comma time.
Serious Tarrant: “but this next hard-hitting commercial from New York delivers a much more sombre message to expose violence that is not just unacceptable, but totally inexcusable.”
There then followed an advert for a New York woman’s refuge called “My Sister’s Place”, showing a scene where a boss punched a nervous female latecomer to his meeting, simply for arriving a few minutes late. Cue a caption pointing out that such actions are similarly unacceptable in the home, but that there is someone who can help. A powerful message, followed up with Chris Tarrant making the following introduction to the next clip.
“Now, here in Britain, Womankind Worldwide is another charity that strives to stamp out the many forms of abuse suffered by many women around the globe. Their funds and human resources are used to empower women and to take control of their lives, But, in order to raise those funds, they sometimes have to resort to shocking imagery in order to bring home the plight of their sisters.”
Opening scene. A poor African village. A screaming woman is being held down while a doctor gets ready to perform an act of genital mutilation on her, the tradition being that should the woman be unable to enjoy sex, she will be compelled to remain faithful to her husband. But as the doctor unsheathes a knife and nears the terrified woman, an invisible force grabs the knife from his hand, then throws him backwards, away from the operating chair.
Scene two. Bombed out remains at the heart of a war-torn city. A young man has grabbed a woman from the street, and is now dragging her into the deserted shell of what was once a home. He throws the frightened refugee to the ground, and menacingly unfastens his trousers. As he begins to near the woman, he is suddenly held back by the same invisible entity. Despite his struggles, he is dragged away from the sobbing woman.
Scene three. A suburban English kitchen. An angry husband – and it’s worth pointing out here that we’re not talking about an archetypical sitcom ‘angry husband’ character, this guy is genuinely menacing – walks in and confronts a dishevelled and clearly distressed wife, visibly quivering with apprehension at what is about to happen. The husband yells at his wife over the state of the kitchen, leading to a meek verbal retaliation from the wife. Enraged, the husband pulls his fist back to strike, but his arm is pulled back by the invisible force. This time, the weight of the force holding back the aggressor can be seen more clearly in a close-up, with Raimi-grade pressure marks now visible on the bare arm of the husband, his arm straining with all his might to strike forward. The invisible force however, manages to keep him at a safe distance from his victim.
The scene shifts to a boiling pot on the cooker, in the background of the kitchen. A series of captions appear. “We can be there.” “But only with your help. Womankind Worldwide”, followed by the URL of the non-profit organisation’s website.
And what is that URL? The website address any women in a similar situation might want to visit? Well:
ITV4 have helpfully blurred it out, lest a website address be broadcast on screen. That’ll teach those, erm, fatcat women’s refuge centres based in the UK. Nice one, ITV.
That unseen website address in full: http://www.womankind.org.uk/
Don't let your rich 79 year history hit you on the arse on your way out. Reports that the local news in the north-west of England is to be rebranded ‘ITV Studios Inc Reports’ are said to be ‘made up’. On the positive side, it will mean that the horrible typeface used atop the studios in Quay Street (pictured) might finally be taken down after forever.
No time for a proper update yet this week, not even an update to the Stewart Lee vs. Horne and Corden ratings chart (mainly because no-one we can find has published the viewing figures for episode three of the former. If anyone can help there, we’ll be indebted). We’re still very much impressed with the video on offer at the ITV website, which we think, with a bit of work, could become even better than the Beeb’s iPlayer. How so? Well, because the ITV site offers up a selection of programming from the ITV network’s archive. Not just full episodes from there, but entire series of shows going back as far as the 1950s.
It’s not yet perfect. The selection of programmes could do with being expanded, but to be fair this may be dictated by the rights to many programmes now being outside of their control. The default playing window size is also quite small (the screenshots below are actual size as they appear on the ITV website). Not too bad for a clip, but a little wearying if you’re going to watch an entire series on the default setting. It’s all the more silly when you expand to full-screen mode, and realise the video is being pumped out at a bitrate high enough to enjoy at a higher resolution.
We’re probably preaching to the converted here (the captions on the size suggest this content has been online for ages already), but nonetheless here are links and shots to a few things we’ve found. Sadly, the Spitting Image link only provides video of a few select clips (alongside clips of – groo – Headcases), but the following classics and curios are on there. Warning: fond memories of programming past may become tarnished after viewing some of the following shows. Oh, and sadly, despite the heading we’ve used for this update, Bruce’s Big Night isn’t on there. A glaring oversight, we’re sure you’ll agree.
Metal Mickey (1980): series one.
Robin of Sherwood (1984): Series one.
Press Gang (1989): Series one.
Whicker’s World (various years). Including one show called “I Wear a Uniform, Pack a Gun, But I am Still a Woman”. Ladies? Doing ‘man’ things? The very thought!
Doctor in the House (1969): Series one.
The Army Game (1957): Series five.
Because it’s 2009, it’s expected that we won’t be able to relate emotionally to any of these shows unless there’s a comment from a modern day ‘celebrity’ telling why we should like each programme. So, we get Piers Morgan telling us how Alan Whicker “appeared to be having an absolutely brilliant time”, or Ben Shepherd remarking on how he wanted to ‘be’ Dexter Fletcher’s character in Press Gang (“he was American and he was cool”). That pettiest of gripes aside, high fives all round for the ITV archive gang.
Fingers crossed for more additions soon, and toes crossed that the BBC will take this idea and run with it. Their own archive minisite is nice enough, but ITV are ahead of them here. In fact, we’re going to boycott BBC Three completely until we can access at least three different streaming episodes of Emu’s Broadcasting Company on iPlayer. There. How d’ya like them apples, Auntie Beeb?
The ITV Sport website seems to have had a bit of a facelift, and with it a move to proper Flash video. That’s good news for us, for a couple of reasons. One, the embedded video player they used to use just resulted in us getting a Directshow error. But the more interesting Two is: they’re using it for some pretty interesting things. Like doing something with their archive, instead of just stomping around YouTube insisting archive clips from the network are removed.
It’s the Yorkshire Television logo. What could be behind it, we wonder.
Oh hells yeah. The full – that’s FULL – edition of Calendar from 1974 where Brian Clough tussled with Don Revie just after his dismissal from Leeds United. All 26 minutes and four seconds of it.
This is what we want, and no we don’t mind having a couple of (modern-day) adverts beforehand, as these things do need to be paid for. It’s not that often people use the word ‘excellent’ in the same sentence as the words ‘ITV’ and ‘Sport’, but in this case doing so is wholly appropriate. More online archivery if you please, Mr Grade. Especially when it comes to local news programmes.
See the full show here: http://www.itv.com/Sport/Football/News/Generalnews/ManualStories/Cloughclips/default.html
A bit late with this, but Digital Spy reports, in a piece claiming Harry Hill is under consideration to present this year's Comedy Awards, "Graham Norton, Dara O'Briain, Piers Morgan, Al Murray and Jimmy Carr are also apparently in the running for the job."
A quick note to Michael Grade: If this story turns out to be true, and Piers Morgan is ever chosen for such a role, we will NEVER watch ANY ITV channel ever again. No matter how enticing your programming might become, even if TV Burp is broadcast as frequently as Emmerdale, it would be a matter of principal. ITV would be dead to us.
