Wednesday, 30 July 2008


Apols for the paucity of updates recently, but we'd accidentally watched this advert and duly had to scrub our eyeballs with industrial bleach in a desperate attempt at un-desecrating our peepers. Doing that sort of stupid thing makes it really hard to use the internet, what with all the searing pain, screaming, being rushed to casualty and all. During our temporary blindness, we'd made some preliminary notes on ideas for updates, which we'd scribbled as best we could onto various pieces of paper. The most legible of which are as follows:

  • If a bookmaker starts offering spread bets on how many times per day people stop Jenny Eclair in the street and tell her how they'd liked her in Hi-De-Hi, it would probably be wise to go for 'above 2.5'.

  • Why do all Jon Culshaw's impressions sound a lot more like Jon Culshaw than the person they're supposed to be?

  • Are there really any listeners to Radio One's Evening Session who are thinking to themselves "Oh wow, that's a brilliant record! But what it really needs is a self-satisfied New Zealander talking over it halfway through telling us what we're meant to think about it"?

  • Deconstruct title sequences from daytime television. That could work.

Given the first three of the four are more throwaway comments than actual ideas, we'll roll with the fourth one. Here are some screengrabs from a television programme. See if you can guess which programme it is before the final picture:

First picture: A woman listening to someone on a phone, posing in the sort of position absolutely no-one would use to listen to someone on a telephone. The word 'doctors' scrolls hundreds of times in minuture across the screen, and in huge letters up the screen. But what is the name of the programme?

Second picture: A different woman, seemingly in some sort of reception area perhaps. The pictures in the background have slowed to reveal they are generic action shots of a bustling city. Maybe the programme takes place in a city of some sort. The word 'doctors' continues to flood every other inch of the screen in every direction. But what is the name of the show?

Third picture: A man this time. He is wearing a suit and tie, so it's quite possible he's a professional of some kind. However, the simple backdrop of 'some blinds' makes it hard to tell what kind of profession he is in. Even glancing at the section of the background displayed by the scrolling see-through word 'doctor' isn't much help. We now know the programme is being transmitted on the BBC, so maybe there's a clue there.What could this programme be called?

Fourth picture: A stern woman. She gives the impression that she is a receptionist of some kind. Her dour, take-no-bullshit expression suggests she is used to delivering pointed comebacks to troublesome members of the public. Her need for a name badge also suggests she works with members of the public who would be unlikely to know her name. Maybe the programme is set in some sort of large building, where members of the public need to visit very occasionally. Definitely some sort of large-scale public service funded by the Government... but which service in the public sector would be a worthwhile subject for a long-running daytime television drama series? And more pertinently, what would this programme be called?

The answer. The programme is called 'Doctors'. Did you get it right?


7 .:

Chris Hughes said...

That's way too many faces for the final frame. Surely people will just be leaving all the time and they'll have to keep updating it.

Also, an apocalyptic mixture of upper and lower case fonts.


E quanto ao número de blogs. O casseta e planeta tem um só, e é o deles mesmo. Se fosse pelo número o Pânico ainda sairia ganhando pois tem esse, o universo panico, o panico na web e o oficial.

Steve Williams said...

Er, what he said.

The most important point about these titles is that they fail to explain what the hell is going on with Stirling Gallacher's hair. As you can see in the first shot, it looks fairly straightforward, but if she faced the other way you'd see a weird blue bit in it.

Also, doesn't Elizabeth Bower (second shot) look like a young Sally Phillips? Which is nice.

Mark X said...

Going by Babelfish, Cgcom is saying "E how much to the number of blogs. Casseta and planet only have one, and are of them exactly. If it was for the number the Panic still would leave earning therefore has this, the universe panic, the panic in web and the officer." I'd really, really hoped the translation was going to turn out to be "Hey, Doctors is really splendid actually, so leave off. Of course, it's called ¡Doutores! over here."

I don't think Elizabeth Bower looks that much like Sally Phillips in that second shot, but she does in the final shot, if that's her right in the middle, under the 'T'. And as Chris said, shocking use of upper/lower case. That 'T' is shite - it looks like a cropped capital 'I' in Bell Gothic.

Boston's Steve Austin said...

Could it be the Dr Who spin-off which tempted RT Davies away from Dr Who? Perhaps the eleven pictures in the final shot are of the Eleven Drs from an alternative universe and the pic fades through to all eleven having an uninhibited sex, then playing reasonable cricket.

Also, I too agree with Chris The First Poster. The typography looks like it ought to be followed by a man entering the room and swatting the designer firmly on the high unwrinkled forehead with a newspaper and saying "No." Then they have an uninhibited sex and play acceptable badminton.

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