South Park already did it.

Things to do if you meet Seth McFarlane: Number One.

"Oh my god, it's Seth McFarlane, creator of Family Guy! Man, this is more awesome than the time I appeared on Number 7T3 when it was guest-hosted by Mickey Thomas, Wendy Craig and the Roly-Polys..."

Then just sort of stand there, staring into the middle distance, kind of thinking to yourself for exactly one minute and twenty seconds, before piping up again.

"Heh. Sweet. Oh. Sorry, I was just thinking of an unfunny retro pop-culture non-sequitur that went on for too long without even adding any additional jokes or anything, so I don't have to bother thinking up a proper plot or ending or anything. DO YOU SEE WHAT I JUST DID THERE?"

Yeah, I've just been watching a few recent episodes of once-mighty Family Guy. Why the cocking hell can't they get it right any more? No wonder the BBC aren't in any particular hurry to show any of the post-season three episodes any time soon. Now, I'd complain more vociferously about the whole affair (using Venn diagrams to better illustrate points, and everything), but I've noticed that the quality of new Family Guy episodes seems to be inversely proportional to the quality of American Dad broadcast at the same time, and I don't want to jinx anything.

It's even got proper sub-plots and everything!

American Dad really is uncommonly good at the moment, you see, and getting ever better with each passing week (or, thanks to American television schedulers, every one-to-six weeks. I've a good mind to not pay my imaginary illegal BitTorrent downloader licence fee, you know). Possibly this is due to Seth McFarlane actually having very little to do with the scripts for it, so there's no way he can shoehorn in the ten minutes of rejected Robot Chicken sketch ideas that end up finding their unlikely way into the reminiscences of the Griffin clan. Thus, I can at least expect a rip-roaring twenty-one minutes of US animated sitcommery on a Monday evening, even though it's likely to be followed by a frustratingly similar period spent making the occasional chuckle before angrily staring at the screen waiting for a seemingly endless cutaway gag about Katie Couric to end, just on the off chance there’s another rogue great episode, like the ‘PTV’ one.

Honestly, during every tedious sequence featuring Stewie continuing to play 'Marco Polo' with Helen Keller a good ten seconds after everyone got the not-that-great-in-the-first-place joke, I can actually feel a tiny bit of my life ebbing away. Curse you, McFarlane.

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Raiders Of The Loft Archive

A recent delve into the recesses of BrokenTV's parents' loft uncovered a load of print magazines (remember them?) from the mid-1990's. Which is lucky, as it gives us something to post about while our Sky+ box is on the blink (currently most channels appear to us in the form of a slide presentation narrated by Norman Collier). One of the gems uncovered was issue one of the short-lived but very excellent FourFourTwo-but-about-telly magazine, The Box. And, thanks to the unique way BrokenTV is funded, we've scanned in some of the best bits to share (instead of, say, flogging it on eBay).

The cover, featuring lots of things we haven't scanned in. Look, it's really annoying trying to scan in things from annoyingly-just-bigger-than-A4 magazines as it is, so we've had to limit ourselves.

Click to embiggen each of the following:

Yes, it's Jerome Seinfeld. Heading straight for the top of the comedy hierarchy, there.

Fresh from his stint helming the enjoyable BBC2 "What Britain and the US think of each other" jaw-fest Where's Elvis This Week, it's Jon Stewart. Despite what the article says, BBC2 didn't bother thinking up a new vehicle for Jon, and pausing only to usurp Larry Sanders fictional chatshow crown, he moved on to The Daily Show, and the rest is history. Dave Gorman was on it the other day, you know. So, having let 'The Next Jonathan Ross' slip through their fingers, how often has the old Jonathan Ross been on the Beeb? According to the wonderful BBC Programme Catalogue, about 902 times.

Bill Bailey, being damned with faint praise, here. 'The Next Richard Digance', indeed.

What the future of television used to be. "1998: Viewers have to pay £600 for a black decoder box" [Harry Hill voice] No, we didn't! "2003: JVC launches the first 3D TV" No, they didn't! "You better start getting used to... Pay Per View: For boxing, football, movies, porn, any time they think they can get away with it." No, they... oh.

More scanned artifacts from the last century next time, viewers.

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A Post Written Several Weeks While Drunk, Then Forgotten About , Then Posted Upon Rediscovery, Again While Drunk, Hence Verbatim

Notice to everyone in Britain: Watch ESPN Classic on Sky channel 442. It is ace. That is all.

BrokenTV's ESPN Classic Notice-o-meter

* Having an introduction to the, er, introduction for classic matches containing lots of contemporary references is A Good Thing, as long as they update them periodically. Otherwise, making a cheeky reference to Alan Pardew's foreigner-spat with Arsene Venger will seem pretty confusing to the digital viewers of Space Year 2007.

* Graham Souness' surname was pronounced as in Sourness, but without the 'r', in 1978. Now, either the moustachioed midfield supremo also referred to himself as such at the time, or Brian Moore really was rather lazy at the time. Everyone bothered finding the correct pronounciation for Glenn 'Looks Just Like BrokenTV's Old Chemistry Teacher' Hysen weeks before he started playing for Liverpool, by way of being arsed to ask him!

* In 197x, Ajax were pronounced in the same way as the bathroom cleaning product now known as 'Cif', or if you'd prefer, in the same way as Duckman's thickest son, as opposed to the more correct 'Aye-axe'. And yet in the very same final, Juventus were mentioned in the correct 'You-vent-us' manners (not 'jew-vent-us').

* Seeing the World Of Sport clock pop up on screen every now and then is somehow a pleasing sight. Phil Thompson with a perm, less so.

* As long as they bother getting hold of more than just a dozen or so European Cup finals, ESPN Classic could well become one of our favourite channels. All they need is to pick up a few FA Cup Finals, British Championship matches (c'mon, Wales v England at Wrexham in 1980, 2W don't seem to want to show it any more), or especially the 70's Match Of The Day repeats that used to be on UK Gold When It Was Good. And if they ever showed the edition of World Of Sport where Eric Morecambe turned up for a laugh because he'd been out on the ale with Dickie Davies the previous night, we'd happily let the staff of EPSN Classic marry our sisters.

* If it's hopelessly incomprehensible advertising boards you're after, you can't say fairer than 'WYBORDWA'.

* Seeing Belgian teams with Danish footballers who, until eight months before the European Cup Final they appear in, worked for British Leyland's finance division, is ace. Obviously.

* Already, we're really fond of ESPN Classic (channel 442 on Sky, don't forget!). Therefore, we're giving it two months before the bulk of its airtime consists of a keen-to-get-back-on-EPG-numbers-anyone-will-bother-with Quizcall and CGI greyhounds.

* It's seeing channels like this pop up that rekindle our hopelessly futile hope of someday seeing a 'BBC1+20 Years' or 'ATV+25 Years' ultra-timeshifted channel sneak into the EPG within the next five years.

On a Liverpool FC tip, the club's best current player (no Stevie, not you) has a blog: it lives at http://spaces.msn.com/worldcup-es-uk/blog/, and rather charmingly, he does occasionally refer to himself in the third person. "It's the question everyone asks - and Xabi Alonso is no different", indeed.

UNRELATED THOUGHT OF THE NANOSECOND:

How disappointed we all were upon discovering that Parcel Force aren't actually a secret cabal of Post Office Superheroes.

ESPN Classic update:

We've chanced upon the coverage of Aston Villa vs Bayern European Cup Final 1982, God Nigel Spink's looking fat. And enough of the animey-zoom-across-the-eyes-device, ESPNC's director-bloke. Really. It's crap!

(edit: No, really. He's just done it again. It's not as if Spinksy was shouting "Aieeeeee!" while doing it, or anything. We're still drunk by the way.)

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"Menu! Menu! Gah!"

Yes.

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100 Things That Exist

So: did you see 100 Greatest Funny Moments on Channel Four last week? Us, neither. But we've heard enough about it over the last week to check out the listing. Oh dear.

According to the website (which keeps crashing our browser), "we all love an iconic laugh-out-loud TV moment, but forget those tired old scenes you've seen a million times from sitcoms and sketch shows, what we really love are those slip-ups, laughs, gaffes and forgotten gags which come from a diverse range of places; from chat-shows to hidden camera stunts, internet viral attachments to stand-up comedy spots, the controversial, unexpected and often unintentionally funny moments."

So, all the comedy that isn't meant to be comedy, then. Oh, hang on, except there are loads of bits from The Ali G Show, Bo Selecta, Balls Of Steel, Adam and Joe, Brass Eye, and lots of other stuff Channel Four presumably doesn't have to pay any money to use clips from (along with clips of Boyd Hilton and Whoever It Is That Fills In For Jo Whiley When She's Off On Holiday talking about them, presumably). And the shortlist is very short. "Pick your 100 favourite things from this selection of exactly 100 things".

The vast bulk of the list seems to be culled from reality TV and things from the news that z-list celebs can sneer at. And Peter Sodding Kay won. Essentially, the whole four hour (four hour!) affair was terrible, even by 100 Greatest Arbitrary Things standards (by all accounts), but we can't help but wonder what Channel Four will scrape from their special 100 Greatest Barrel next.

Well, we're going to pre-empt them. We hereby announce the beginning of BrokenTV's shortlist for 100 Things That Have Been On Television Ever. Not best. Not worst. Just things. Things that we're hoping to get a selection of weak stand-up comedians into a studio so they can pretend they remember them in front of a camera. And then we'd fill the studio with bees. That'd be good.

Here are the first twenty options for the final shortlist (which will, of course, stop at exactly 100 things). Feel free to add your own utterly inconsequential televised incidents to the comments section, and let's see if we can come up with the ultimate listing of 100 Things That Have Been On Television Ever.

THE LIST

* When Danny Kendall was dumped as DJ for Grange Hill's resident rap act in favour of the singer's cooler brother.

* When Todd couldn't get higher than second on the hi-score table in Ghosts 'n' Goblins, in Neighbours.

* The 'using playing cards to represent a horse race' bit from a Bunco Booth segment of The Paul Daniels Magic Show.

* Mark Thomas' heavy rock version of The Wombles Theme in Viva Cabaret.

* The debut of The Great Big Scottish Giant in Jigsaw.

* Bruce Forsyth's first encounter with Martin Daniels in Springer's Day, and the antics that ensued.

* Andrew Sachs discovering there's a pub in heaven, in Dead Earnest.

* When the insufferably smug Payne family have Noel a big comedy jar of aspirin, in order to "take the Paynes away!" at the end of their marathon run as Telly Addicts champions.

* Celebrities playing Pong™ in Bruce's Big Night. Or, as they had it, 'Video Tennis'.

* The bit where James Whale pretended to storm off again in an episode of The James Whale Radio Show, but was only joking this time.

* The bit in Kenny Everett's The Brain Drain where a scientist attempted to prove that mice actually aren't that fond of cheese and prefer sugar-coated snacks, only the see all his test mice head straight for the cheese on a special board he'd brought in especially to make his point.

* The extended Mystery Chefs insert from the first Christmas special of Get Stuffed.

* The jumping out of a helicopter bit from Run The Gauntlet.

* Jackie Stallone and a can of squirty cheese on Saturday Night Clive.

* The bit where a British rock star said 'wanker' in an episode of Sledge Hammer! that went out at 7.30pm on ITV (Central region only).

* The fairly predictable bit from the 10%ers where a temperamental 'artiste' has to be calmed down by his agent, only for said 'artiste' to actually be a weatherman.

* Hilda Braid going on about her goldfish, from same.

* The time somebody guessed the Odd One Out after only seeing one of the three options in an episode of Odd One Out.

* Captain Ribman being listed as one of the options in an episode of Wipeout where a round had been to identify comic strips, despite it (as far as we know) never been published at all in the UK.

* Paul Morley unsettling Barry Took.

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Get Off The Internet (I'll Meet You In The Pub)

Note: You get poker on television quite a lot these days, don't you? Well then, that means the following isn't off-topic.

Thanks to managing to get to the cinema just in time to miss the first half-hour of Lucky Number Slevin a few days ago, I ended up joining a few friends at a small pub in Llangollen to try my hand at this Poker Not On A Computer lark. And I had a great time. Making the transition from playing online poker, where everything from posting the blinds to shuffling the cards is done automatically, to real-life poker in front of people you don't know, has led me to make the following observations:

• Gleefully admitting that you're a cackhanded buffoon when it's your turn to shuffle and deal is probably preferable to copying the actions of Johnny Sunglasses on the other side of the table, as accidentally flicking a dozen cards accross the room is a bit of a poker 'no-no'.
  
  
• In online poker, you never have to pester other people with "does anyone want to swap a 'fifty' for ten 'fives'?" every few minutes.
  
  
• Not really being 'up' with all this poker lingo, means that listening to other people going on about a 'gutshot draw' or 'Findus crispy pancake draw' (or whatever) can be confusing. Smiling politely and chuckling in a 'too right, mate!' manner generally works well enough here.
  
  
• The bar staff will happily take orders for drinks, then bring them to the table for you. This is excellent.
  
  
• If you really need to go to the toilet after downing all those drinks the bar staff have happily delivered to you, you'll suddenly get ten great hands in a row, meaning you'll have to fold on a great set of cards if you want to relieve yourself ("Gah, another potential flush. Flush? Christ, I need a slash"). Clearly, Lady Luck is tremendously amused by the thought of people pissing in their pants.
  
  
• If it's your first game in a poker league, and being a really obvious newbie, you're a bit crap at first because you're self-conscious about messing up putting down the right blind at the right time, about being a rubbish shuffler, about being unable to remember what your cards are - all two of them - for more than two seconds at a time, then finally settling down and playing your normal game just when everyone else thinks you're really easy pickings, is a tactic that works surprisingly well.
  
  
• You can get away with shouting "you miserable fuckers, I had three aces!" at your monitor when everyone else folds after your first raise (nothing massive, just a 'teaser' raise - I'm not a total poker idiot) when playing online. In real-life poker, you've got to try and pretend this was exactly what'd you'd wanted them to do, a bit like Sawyer in Lost probably would, if he were playing poker, I'd imagine.
  
  
• When the numbers are diminishing, and some other people come to join the table, and they're two irritating squalking chavettes from the beginners' table, with Chavette One knowing quite a bit about poker but had been on the beginners' table (loudly) coaching her idiot friend Chavette Two, who knew nothing at all about poker, meaning that effectively Chavette One had two seats with which to clean out the beginners' table in next to no time, meaning they turn up with armfuls of chips, and they proceed to loudly squalk at each other in between texting people in the middle of their turn, and Chavette Two is utterly incapable of grasping the fact that when dealing, the cards need to be face sodding down so that everyone can't see them, and they go off to the toilet for ten minutes together for more loud squalking holding everyone else up, but then stay in the game for ages because Chavette One is quite good at poker, and Chavette One is still telling Chavette Two what to do, and they'd arrived at the table with more chips than anyone else in the first place, is quite annoying. But, thankfully this won't happen too often.

After all that, I still did fairly well for a first go. Not anywhere remotely near winning the prize (an expensive looking professional poker set in a smart aluminium case), but I'd seen off most of the people from my original table, which was better than I'd been expecting (and by then it was 10.30pm, I was 40 miles from home, it was snowing, and it was a school night, so I'm saying I would have won if my subconscious didn't want me to go home at that point).

In summary: Real-life poker is good, especially when you're not about to lose a bunch of real-life money.

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Football: broken

.An annoying thing about being a highly principled television related blog such as ourselves, is to see one of our principle, er, principles torn asunder by simple circumstance. It's like resolutely refusing to watch The Friday Night Project (as is correct), only to find out that Friday's guest presenter is Larry David or The Dark Haired One Out Of Tatu, and therefore having to tune in. Or, on a lesser scale, having to eat human flesh to survive a plane crash (or, say, to win a bet).

One such principal we've stuck to for years was that, despite what numerous sports columnists might say, it doesn't bloody matter who the anchorman is for football coverage. We've always been able to put up with Gary Line-acre's weak whimsy, Gaby "Sure, My Dad Both Played For And Managed Wales, But I'm Going To Support England Because It'll Be More Marketable" Logan, Matt "Live and Exclusive only on ITV4" Lorenzo's bland ramblings or HelloandwelcometofootballonfiveI'mJohnbarnes, because the real reason we're here is to watch the football that'll be on in a minute. Since about 1988, we've been telling anyone who'll listen (friends, relatives, people on buses) that anyone claiming to be a football supporter who actually cares whether the person sitting on a comfy chair in a corporate box with a broadcaster's logo in the background is any good, should just go and live in a ditch.

Sure, it'd be nice if all presenters of televised football were as good as Adrian Chiles, but if they prefer to trot out a Ruud Nistelrooy / long face 'quip' instead, we could be less bothered. As long as there's a decent amount of actual football coming up soon (as opposed to the early days of ITV1's The Premiership, or latterly 'Ally and Andy' standing on the touchline with a plastic table for no useful reason whatsoever), we're happy. And that's the way we've felt ever since The Match burst onto our screens, feeling the need to jazz up that whole 'football' business.

So, how foolish did we feel when tuning into five, only to be confronted with ubiquitous radio eejit Colin Murray hosting the coverage of Bolton's clash with Marseille. Granted, it could have been worse (i.e. Moyles), but within seconds he'd already said 'Chelski', which even a jug-eared crisp peddler would have baulked at, and we were scrabbling for the remote control to watch five minutes of EastEnders instead. And we really, really hate EastEnders. So: thanks, Colin Murray. You've ruined football for us.

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The Worst Thing About Lots Of People Not Liking The IT Crowd Is

That in a few weeks, the rubbish Green Wing will be back on, and lots of gushing idiot columnists can start banging on forever about how 'cutting edge' and 'good' it is, despite the fact that it's:

(a) Little more than Jam: The Sitcom, but worse.

(b) About as amusing as a visit to a real-life Serious Burns Unit. Or TLC, and at least that had Tim Brooke-Taylor in it.

(c) A waste of Mark Heap and Tamsin Greig.

Even more so than before, as all the tedious pricks who've heard that it's Simply The Programme It's SO Cool To Pretend To Like since the end of the first series are about to latch onto it.

Mind you, if it'll get this blog mentioned in meejaguardian, we're now going to replicate the Green Wing 'style' (i.e. copying off of Jam) by typing most of this sentence at a normal speed, then typingthelastbitveryfastfornoreasonotherthanitlooks-interestingifyou'rewatchingitinapubwiththesoundturnedoff.

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How Times Change, Eh?

1990: Radio 2 listeners needed a specially-made television promo featuring Derek Jameson on a Borrowers-style giant kitchen-table-and-radio studio set, explaining, in meticulous yet easy-to-follow detail, how to re-tune your radiogram to the station's new fangled FrequencyModulationotronic wavelength, now that the old-school Medium Wave transmissions were to cease, making way for the short-lived Radio 5. Just in case that was too complicated for the Radio 2 infirm key demographic, there was even an address at the end, where especially confused listeners could request a written copy of the instructions in even more laborious detail.

2006: Radio 2 listeners are implored to subscribe to RSS podcast feeds of their favourite shows, with no detailed instructions given at all.

You know, we can't help but feel there really ought to be a promo running on BBC One after Neighbours featuring Dermot O'Leary and a bookcase-sized Nano to go along with this.

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If You Don't Tolerate This Another Series Of Space Cadets Will Be Next

(A Disjointed Collection Of Words About The IT Crowd Hammered Out After Two Hours Sleep That Prove Why We’d Never Make It As Proper Writers)

The I.T. Crowd
Fridays, 9.30pm
Channel Four

First episodes of new sitcoms are very often so preoccupied with introducing all the characters, there isn't much room for top-quality jokes. Plucking three examples at random, the first episodes of Spaced, Black Books and Futurama (not to mention the first thirty-odd Simpsons episodes, the first few episodes of Fools And Horses, the first series of Men Behaving Badly, we could whip through half of the BBC Comedy Guide at this point) were all below par compared to episodes that followed, and they're all classics, if only in our misjudged (no, hang on, INCONTROVERTIBLY CORRECT) world view.

This didn't pose much of a problem in The Olden Days, where the only competition was likely to be The Nine O’clock News, Snooker and Rumpole Of The Bailey, so people would give a new show, say, three or four episodes to hit it's stride. Often, this would lead to programmes gradually gaining an audience until they become a national phenomenon. Equally often, a lacklustre programme would reach the end of it’s run with a still respectable number of viewers, even if most of them were still wondering which were supposed to be the funny bits (ever wondered why Comrade Dad has never made it to DVD? Nor us).

Now, there are all manner of other distractions, so programmes have to make an immediate impact if they want to avoid being shunted to a midweek 11.30pm slot . Say you’re working on a Friday night Channel Four comedy show. One way is make an impact is to go all out to:

• Appeal directly to braying idiots (The Dirty Jackasses Of Steel Wish Live Project, The Leigh Francis Swearing And Mentioning Celebrities Show, Eighteen Stone Of A Disappointing Johnny Vegas Vehicle).
• Have a Unique Selling Point (the first-person majesty of Peep Show, or Green Wing, which looks like it might be quite good and interesting if you’re watching it in a pub with the sound off, but isn’t).
• Do a panel game, so no-one can complain if the ratings are rubbish because it only cost 7p to make (8 Out Of 10 Cats, which we’d give up on like *that* if Sean Lock left).
• Copy off of BBC’s worldwide smash hit (i.e. some people in America have seen it) That Office, but get it all horribly, horribly wrong (Spoons, The Oh God Turn It Off Or Just Kill Me Where I Stand Book Group).
• Be Peter Kay, and chuck out any old crap because you’ve turned into The Hitler Of Comedy and can do what you want (i.e. Anything since series one of Phoenix Nights, or as it’s disgracefully called on DVD, “Peter Kay’s Phoenix Nights”, even though he only co-wrote it and didn’t direct it.)
• Have another ill-advised stab at re-creating TFI Friday.

One thing that simply doesn’t happen these days is, as David ‘Grumbleweeds Radio Show’ Liddiment pointed out recently, the traditional studio-based sitcom in front of an audience. And going by the amount of whining on various parts of Science’s The Internet about the first couple of episodes of Channel Four’s newie The I.T. Crowd (or, if you’re a continuity announcer, ‘The It Crowd’, of course. And this is actually one of the things people are moaning about), you can’t blame them.

“I CAN HERE PEOPLE LAUGHING INSTED OF JUST HAVING CHARACTER B STARING AT THE OTHER PERSON IN EMBARISSED SILENCE, I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!' says BRENTFAN9823. "yes whats with the caned laughter its like watching the flintstones or something" concurs BillHicksReference2133. "There's a woman in it! Women shouldn't be allowed in comedy, because I've arbitrarily decided they're not funny ever. I now hate Graham Linehan and Chris Morris, and have microwaved my The Day Today DVD in protest!" sulks TedMaul23847324. "You're all wrong, of course. The I.T. Team is refeshingly great, and is likely to become increasingly great as the series progresses" corrects the dashingly lithe Mark X.

Of course, going by the evidence of the first two episodes, it’s not as good as Father Ted. But since when has ‘coming up with a new show that’s not as good as the Official Eleventh Best Sitcom Of All Time by the end if it’s second episode’ been a crime? Since never, that’s when, you comedy I like not-liking Nazis.

Sure, there were weak bits in the first episode (“Get back in there and do some work to do with computers”, with the last word pronounced in a way that someone who doesn’t know how to pronounce it would pronounce it, which was just rubbish, and the tiresome stock ‘post modern pratfall followed by heavy bleeding’ gag – it’s the Del Boy Falling Through The Bar for the Balls Of Steel Generation, that is), but there were weak bits saved by great bits (the predictable “do you want me to connect your phone” line was rescued by the delivery of the “no, I’m using my phone”, “But… how!?” follow-up), and a great deal of great bits in their own right (The A-Team picture and their names, the lift button, “Chairman WOW!”, the fairground photomontage over the end credits).

Episode two was even better, with Linehan using the Simpsons Comedy Model system of gags coming through so thick and fast that any duff lines are soon forgotten about, because a great one has gone chasing straight after it (“I’ll just put this over here with the rest of the fire”, the ‘emailing the fire brigade’ bit, the home-made Stress Machine – for all the people on Science’s The Internet complaining about Richard Ayoade: you’re wrong, there’s three examples of Ayoade Gold right there. Also: “Fire? I’m late for GOLF!”).

Also, away from the meat of the programme itself, it was incredibly nice to see a programme finish without the need to dump a massive ‘4’ logo and voiceover over half of the screen. Something ‘they’ should do more often – if we want to know what’s next, we do have a special button for that very purpose on your digital TV remotes, you know. Oh, and what a fantastical title sequence – if that fails to put you in a good mood before the opening scene, you’re not human. See, it’s all good.

Science Fact! If this rate of continuous improvement continues, by episode five a Decent Comedy Vortex may well develop, and both Will & Grace and The Friday Night Project will be sucked inside, only to be spewed out the other side as repeats of Soap and Saturday Zoo. So, that’s something else to look forward to.

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