An Update About Big Brother That Isn't Really About Big Brother So Most Of Our Readers Might Want To Read It Anyway

This year it seems that the Sunday Mirror (and possibly the Daily Mirror, only we haven't looked at that for months because it's an especially poor read at the moment) have taken the decision that they "don't" like Big Brother. What this actually means is that they're still going to spend at least four pages of every edition going on about it, but delivering all copy in whatever the literary equivalent of a sarcastic voice is. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, of course - all tabloids like to do this sort of thing where celebrities are concerned (not that the bungalowmates really qualify as celebrities), and it's true to say that BrokenTV is massively guilty of the same thing from time to time.

However, the absolute nadir of this approach can be found on page 27 of this week's copy. Kevin "He's The Real TV Mr Nasty" O'Sullivan (erm, no he isn't?) is charged with keeping tabs on each one of the residents of the Big Brother Bungalow, and writing a little 'summing-up' of every one of them, every week. In order to cement his "The Real TV Mr Nasty" credentials, he really socks it to each one of the shameless BB wannabes. Except, as most people who've watched the current series will probably have noticed, the majority of tenants for this year aren't especially disagreeable. In some cases they might be flawed, self-conscious, emotionally fragile or a bit shallow, but in the main they're fundamentally decent enough people. But "The Real TV Mr Nasty" has a job to do!

So, Liam? He's tewwibly working class! The twins, Brian and Gerry? Stupid, "sensationally stupid" and a "greek tragedy"! Chantelle? "Coconut Head"! Laura? "Spends most of her time lying in bed being fat"! And, as you can probably imagine, so on. The last of these is an especially low blow, which almost tempts us into saying something along the lines of "Kevin O'Sullivan is the very worst kind of smug cunt; he's a fucking smug cunt". Luckily, as we're not about to start billing ourselves at The Real Internet's Mr Nasties and because our mum might read this, we're not about to descend to that level.

Personally, we'd happily go out and get drunk with any of the BB07 contestants, apart from Charley (because she'd start a fight) and Carole (because she'd start nagging us about ordering the drinks wrongly or tell us off for going on the fruit machine). Liam would pay for the drinks from his winnings, natch.

Of course, given that Kevin "He's The Real TV Mr Nasty" O'Sullivan is making a healthy living from giving controversial and insightful insights into television (Gillian McKeith is quite annoying, apparently. Who knew!?), while we're embittered loners swigging Somerfield Value gin whilst hammering away on a tawdry TV blog only read by other supermarket-own-brand-gin addled reprobates. Maybe we need to introduce more of an 'edge' by making needlessly controversial remarks about those that probably don't deserve it? Then the offers from Her Majesty's Press will start flooding in!



Fingers crossed!

6 comments:

TheHitcher said...

I'd like it know that i'm a Sainsbury's own brand gin man myself, he is a cunt.

Simon said...

It must be hell being Kevin O'Sullivan. Not only does he have to face the fact every day of his life that he's not as famous as Ian Hyland, but every couple of years he does an "I hate Big Brother, me" angle that makes no impact at all. I can't remember which year it was, but one BB the Morgan-edited Mirror proudly declared itself the 'anti-Big Brother newspaper' and ran piece after piece about why we shouldn't be wasting our time with it. A few weeks in a survey was conducted which revealed that this editorial stance actually led to the Mirror being the paper that had given that series the most namechecks by far.

Mark X said...

To be fair, God has already punished Kevin O'Sullivan enough, by giving him Kevin O'Sullivan's stupid smug face. We can at least take solace from that.

I remember the Daily Mirror's Anti-BB stance well. "*THESE* are the new Big Brother contestants.... and we're sick of them already!" Sick enough to splash the fact across half of your front page, Mr Morgan. Wasn't it for the series that Jon Tickle was in? That would make it all the more wrong, as Jon Tickle is biologically impossible to dislike.

badburt said...

I have no idea who Mr O'Sullivan is, since I do not read a paper, so I have no idea what his beef is, and care even less.
Big Brother was once, believe it or not, an innovative approach to the gameshow/reality TV format.
But what is it now? And endless procession of vacuous, wannabe clones who dimly believe this is their route to fame. Yeah, right suckers! Remember Pete? Pete who?
Just watch as the TV machine sucks you in and macerates you, spitting your distorted, over-weaned egotistical persona out over the airwaves to a few thousand semi-comatose acolytes.
"There's your 15 minutes, now f*ck off!" gurns Davina as she boots you out the door. (She gurns a lot if you bother to take notice you know).
Frankly I'm suprised people are even bothering to tune in any more. The audience/sheep at eviction night seemed bored to hell, like they're just going through the motions of booing the departing housemate.
Don't get me wrong B.B. was good in it's day but now we have become used to the idea of seeing somebody's horrendous personality traits in all their gory detail, where is there left to go?
The more the producers have tried to engineer situations in the house, by picking particular types of contestant, the less anyone on the outside can relate to the freakish half-wits that vie for our attention.
Having said all that I can't really see B.B. ever ending. It's self perpetuating because that's what we humans do best, learn by imitation. So no sooner does one hysterical, ego maniac drop off the radar into dole queue obscurity then another bunch of stage school wierdos appear ready to take their place.
Have a go at me if you like but, and I'm not allying myself with journos like O'Sullivan here, without people to question this crap where is there left to go? Channel 4, a once fine bastion of genuine alternative culture and the arts, has been dragged down lower than a prosies' knickers. And what for? Both its viewing figures and profits have both taken a tumble and I can't for the life of me think of a decent show it has produced of late.
If I were you I'd stop worrying about what the papers have to say and get down to the real business of getting C4 to sort itself out and get some decent programmes made.

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