Stamping Down On: A Human Face, Forever

  • 8/17/2007 05:58:00 pm
  • By Mark Gibbings-Jones

BrokenTV Goes to ("A Well-Known Computer Superstore" - Ed): A Play In Two Woefully Predictable And Mostly True Parts


(The date: Two years ago. The place: A Well-Known Computer Superstore. On a rare excursion into the big city, BrokenTV wanders into the store clutching an old sock containing several years worth of scrimpings. As BrokenTV gazes in wonder at all the shiny trinkets, a salesman approaches.)

Salesman: Can I help you?

BrokenTV (looking up from waving gormlessly at a webcam): Erm, yes. We'd like to buy a computer please. Which is the best computer to buy? Our friend has a silver one. Are they the best ones to buy? The silver ones?

Salesman: Ha ha! You're... joking, right?

BrokenTV: Ha ha! Erm... what?

Salesman: Never mind. Well, that sort of depends, you see. What is it you'll be using the computer for?

BrokenTV: Well, just the internet really.

Salesman: And how much money have you got?

(BrokenTV empties contents of sock onto floor and starts counting the tuppences it contained. After several minutes...)

BrokenTV: ...£799.96... £799.98... exactly £800.

Salesman: Well, there's a happy coincidence. You see, for anyone who just wants a PC to get on the internet with, the best computer to buy is the one that costs that exact amount.


Here you are. The Hewpaq SupeR 1460. This model actually gets a better internet than all the other PCs out there. Any website you look at will be 25% more entertaining than it would be when viewed on other, lesser, smellier computers. And best of all, it's completely future proof. Every single computer in this shop that costs less than £800 will be worthless in about three weeks. Now, it's - chuckle - difficult to predict the future in the world of computing...

Ha ha, yes.

...but I should say if you buy this computer now, at the price of just £800, there's no reason why it won't be worth at least double that in three years from now.

Gosh, really?

Yes, that's possibly a true thing that I said just then. This computer is the best possible thing you could buy in this entire store, and I can guarantee that this will be a product that will never go wrong. If the UK Honours system wasn't restricted to humans only, there's every chance this computer would be given an OBE.

Wow, great. We'll buy that one then. Where do we sign to irrevocably commit ourselves to this purchase?

Just here. And here. Initial here.

BrokenTV (scribbles name excitedly):




(The date: The present. The place: A Well-Known Computer Superstore. BrokenTV wanders up to the store's dedicated team of helpers, "Teh Tech Doodz", as designated by the large banner hanging over their special corner. Emboldened by two years of having to tinker with its PC every single bloody time it had bought a new peripheral, everybody's fifth favourite TV Blog is clutching what it's sure will be the best PC replacement part for its needs. The RRP of said item is £19.99.)

BrokenTV: Ah, hello. Our computer is having a lot of trouble with an overheating CPU, so we need a new CPU fan. Do you reckon this [waves moderately priced PC component at "Tech Dood"] will be the one we need? It's for a 3.4Ghz Pentium 4 HT CPU.

"Tech Dood" : [inhales through teeth] What socket is it, mate?

BrokenTV: Pfffff.... not sure.

"Tech Dood" : What motherboard you got?

BrokenTV: Don't know.

"Tech Dood" : Well, I can't really...

BrokenTV: We did buy it from here if it helps. The model is still listed on your website, it's a Hewpaq SupeR 1460. There's no further stock, but it was last listed at £249.99.

(BrokenTV visibly shudders as it remembers handing over a perfectly good sockful of money for that computer.)

"Tech Dood" : Tsk. Hang on a minute, mate.

("Teh Tech Dood" paws at his terminal for a moment whilst audiably tutting to himself.)

"Tech Dood" : Right, here we go. Oh dear.

BrokenTV: Oh dear?

"Tech Dood" : Oh. Dear. See that? [Points at screen.] It's a Prescott. Oh dear.

BrokenTV: Oh dear?

"Tech Dood" : Mmm. They're notorious for overheating. You're lucky it's lasted this long without exploding and taking out a three house radius, to be honest. How big's your case?

(BrokenTV makes a vague arm movement to try and disguise the fact it has no idea if there are actual names for the differing sizes of PC cases.)

"Tech Dood" : Mmm. We might still have one you can use, but you'll need a big case. Follow me.

(BrokenTV duly follows "Tech Dood" to a section of the store where enormous CPU fans are kept.)

"Tech Dood" : There. There's two of them that could work. See that one there?

BrokenTV: The one marked "£49.99"? Oh dear.

"Tech Dood" : Yeah. That one *might* work on yours. But if you want to make sure...

("Tech Dood" gestures at an even larger boxed item.)

"Tech Dood" : ...that's the one you need.

BrokenTV: The one marked "£59.99"? Crikey.

"Tech Dood" : Yes. If you can get it to fit in your case, you'll be sorted.

BrokenTV: Oh dear. Is all this really necessary? Because when I bought the PC, the nice man said...

"Tech Dood" (making concerned face) : Mmm.




(Now dressed in a dressing gown and towel combo in order to specify being 'out of character', BrokenTV stolls onto the stage in front of the closed curtain.)

BrokenTV: We really frigging hate PCs.

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