New Target Audience For Ringtone 'Club' Scam Overlords

Now they're after Red Dwarf fans.

Red Dwarf is to return – but as an animated series for mobile phones.

Entertainement company Pitch has created cartoon clips to match audio footage from the original BBC Two series, for which subscribers will pay £3 a week.

That's £3 per week, or more accurately £12 per month. To put that into perspective, you can now pick up the DVD of each series of Red Dwarf for £6.99 from Virgin Megastores. So: for the price of two-and-a-bit video clips of animations of Red Dwarf scenes, you could get an entire series, on high quality DVD, which includes three hours of "clips" (i.e. entire episodes), along with tonnes of extras.

"But!", you may cry whilst idly brushing Pringle crumbs from your I Say Let's Get Out There And Twat It T-shirt, "as somebody who is part of the likely target audience for this mobile enterprise, I've already got the DVDs. What do you say to that, you idiots?"

Okay, cracking open the seal on our Christmas catalogue from Littlewoods (who we'd only signed up with because their 20% off your first order deal meant we could buy a cheap Xbox Live membership), here is a quick list of:

Other Things You Could Buy That Cost The Same Each Month As Some Rubbish Red Dwarf Animated Clips.

• A Bart Simpson folding double door 32-inch LCD Television set (£10.66 per month)
• A Samsung DVD camcorder (£10.87 per month)
• A Nintendo Wii (£8.48 per month)
• A new 80gb iPod Classic (£10.19 per month)
• A 15.4" Goodmans HD Ready LCD TV and DVD combo with built-in Freeview (£11.47 per month)

(Before anyone writes in to say it, we know catalogue prices are artificially inflated and it's worth just going online if you want to buy stuff, but that just highlights the stupid price they're asking for some animated video clips of a programme you'll already own on DVD if you're that bothered about it. And that's not even starting on the prospect of anyone who 'needs' to carry some Red Dwarf clips around with them at all times, for some ungodly reason.)

To put it into even more simple terms, here's a graphical representation of the things you could buy for equal to or less than the amount you'd pay for some Red Dwarf mobile phone clips every month:

Of course, for the sake of humanity as a whole, we're hoping these mobile clips turn out to be a massive failure. Given that the stereotypical image of your average Red Dwarf fan is that of a geek, and given that geeks are supposed to be clever and good at maths, there should be no conceivable way this can succeed. Surely.