Here’s something you don’t get nowadays; misguided television commercials that have the intention of appealing to children, but which end up being inexplicably terrifying. You may have to roll with us on some of these, but we’ve had lo-fidelity masterpiece “Dying Happy” by Baby Bird on in the background while watching these, and it does admittedly add an air of understated menace to even the jolliest puppet potato.
SMITHS CRISPS
SUBTEXT: Remember kids, potatoes are actually alive. Alive, and seem to have a fervent wish to be chopped up into really thin slices and then boiled in fat. Why, we’re not sure – possibly due to some kind of deep depression that is presumably likely to happen amongst root vegetables stuck in soil for the majority of their lifetimes, or maybe it’s a sex thing. Who knows? All we know for sure is, they want it to happen in the factories of Smith Crisps.
CRESTA
SUBTEXT: So, maudlin, frenzied, maudlin. Cresta – enjoyed by bipolar bears.
KINDER SURPRISE
SUBTEXT: Humpty Dumpty is really fucking scary. Do you know what he’s doing behind that wall? Sharpening his axe. And do you know why? Because he wants to see if little girls and boys also contain rubbish little plastic toys if he chops them open. Anyway, sleep tight!
3 .:
Who's doing the end voice on the Smiths Crisps one? It's bugging the hell out of me!
It's almost definitely Chris Tarrant.
Yes!
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