Movie Pitch: Britain’s Got TERROR

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With a nod to classic Vincent Price/Diana Rigg flick Theatre of Blood, this could take the cinemas by storm. Here’s the synopsis:

Kendall Lombard (Bill Nighy) has been practicing his novelty stage act for years – standing atop six stacked chairs while playing a mouth organ and juggling four live guinea pigs. After undergoing the regional heats process, he is chosen to appear on a top rated talent show, ITV1’s Britain’s Got Talent. However, all does not go to plan on the big night, when one of his guinea pigs has stage fright and piddles down his sleeve, causing him to cock up the ending to a harmonica-based cover of Radiohead’s Paranoid Android. The judges, as one, pull their special ‘I know the camera is on me now’ disgusted faces, and proceed to give Lombard three Xs before he can regain his composure. A chuckling Ant and Dec drag a furious Lombard from the stage.

Subsequently, a disgraced Lombard vows bloody vengeance on the judges. Abetted by his daughter Mariella (Sheridan Smith), Lombard tracks down each of the judges and the hosts, with the aim of murdering them in a cruelly ironic (not to mention convoluted) fashion. First up, Simon Cowell (Richard Keys) is lured to an abandoned warehouse by Mariella on the premise that she’s a moderately talented but easily exploitable young singer. Knocked unconscious from behind, he awakes to find himself in a vat, where he is subsequently drowned in the salty tears of failed reality show contestants.

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Secondly, Amanda Holden (Cheryl Cole) is lured to the opening of a new beauty salon (actually an abandoned warehouse). As Holden sits under a hair dryer, Lombard and Mariella stand around thinking of a suitably fitting demise for her. After twenty minutes they agree that she doesn’t really have any interesting or unique character traits, so they let her go.

Next up, Piers Morgan (a half chewed Toffo in a suit) is invited to a fake awards ceremony on the proviso he is to accept the award for Best Person In Britain. The deluded buffoon, unable to resist the chance to have his ego stroked, attends the ceremony, his perpetual quest for celebrity status blinding him to the fact it’s taking place in a deserted warehouse and that the rest of the audience are shop dummies. On accepting his award from a heavily disguised Lombard, a puff of knockout gas is released from the podium, and Morgan collapses to the floor. As he awakes, he discovers he is stuck in a metal tube of some kind. Disguise removed, Lombard explains how Morgan had been fired from his job as editor of the Daily Mirror after publishing faked photographs of British soldiers abusing Iraqi prisoners. As such, his fitting punishment is to be fired out of a cannon, into a mirror.

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(An untalented) Artist’s impression.

Finally, Ant and Dec (Richard Hammond and Jon Culshaw) are locked in a room (of an abandoned warehouse) with a television set playing an endless loop of Newcastle United’s Season Review 2008/9 until they take their own lives.

And that’s it. It could do with a bit of fleshing out, admittedly (though going into too much detail about the grisly demise of well-known celebrities on the internet would probably see us in court), but with a good director behind it, we’re saying it’s a winner. Come on Working Title, what are you waiting for?

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