The Top Ten Lookie-Likeys That Probably Don’t Get Much Work

“Don’t wanna be ignored at the door. We all look the same, we’re all lookalikes.”

So sang criminally underrated German electropop band Tok Tok Vs Soffy O in their 2002 non-hit “The Lookalikes”. And do you know, they were right, pretty much everyone looks a bit like someone else. Often, that someone else is someone a bit famous. We’ve variously been told over the years that we look a lot like Jarvis Cocker, Rik Mayall and Sunderland bench-warmer Boudewijn Zenden, even though we don’t look anything like any of them, and not that there’s much work out there for a Boudewijn Zenden lookalike. OR IS THERE?

One thing that always amuses us for up to several minutes at a time is looking through the websites of professional lookalike agencies, mean-spiritedly scoffing at the ‘acts’ who don’t look anything like their famous supposed doppelgangers. Anyway, instead of that, we’re going to take a look at some of the lookie-likeys who’ll probably need to keep plugging away at their day job for quite a while yet. But first (and this’ll only really make sense if you’re reading this intro text from the front page of the blog, and not the article itself), see if you can work out who this is supposed to be. Answer after the ‘jump’.

That’s right, it was KEVIN SPACEY. On with the countdown.

10. Raisa Gorbachev

Yep, if your corporate event could really be enhanced by an appearance by Raisa Maximovna Gorbachova, wife of former Soviet premier Mikhail Gorbachev and major fundraiser for preservation of the Russian heritage, but you can’t quite afford to hire her, plus she’s been dead since 1999, then lookie-likey agency Splitting Images can help.

LIKELY TO BE HIRED FOR:

A remake of the video for Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s Two Tribes, because a director really wishes that along with the unconvincing lookalikes for Ronnie and Gorby wrestling, there were cutaways to Nancy arm-wrestling with Raisa.

9. Tony Blackburn

Yes, Tony Blackburn. And no, he doesn’t, does he? Also, we’re pretty sure the real Tony Blackburn wouldn’t ask for much more money than this guy to turn up at a corporate.

LIKELY TO BE HIRED FOR:

We’re really trying to get through this update without being needlessly rude about the honest, hardworking people who take up such roles. This means we can’t type in the thing we just thought of about Radio One-themed pornography.

8. Greg Dyke

Yes, Greg Dyke, the man who saved TV-am, non-rubbish Director General of the BBC, and chair of the British Film Institute. Never mind the fact he doesn’t really look that much like the Dykester, is there much call for a lookalike of him anyway? Mind you, it does give us a good excuse to include the photo used to represent Greg Dyke on Wikipedia, which just makes him look like a mad tramp.

LIKELY TO BE HIRED FOR:

Is your company about to start a proactive ‘Cut The Crap: Make it Happen’ initiative? Here’s the man to pitch it to your employees!

7. Patsy Stone and Del Boy

Ah, that well-known double act. Who could possibly forget that one-off Christmas special from 1994, Absolutely Onlyfoolsandhorsesulous, where Uncle Albert accidentally became the most famous male model in Europe?

LIKELY TO BE HIRED FOR:

A convention celebrating British situation comedies that made disappointing comeback episodes instead of going out on a high.

6. The Fat Controller From Thomas The Tank Engine

If you don’t really look like anyone famous, why not decide you can become a lookalike of someone usually represented on-screen via the medium of plastic? For example, The Fat Controller From Thomas The Tank Engine. Marvellous. We have now decided that we’re the spitting image of the sarcastic guy in an office chair from Sealab 2021. Very reasonable rates.

LIKELY TO BE HIRED FOR:

An event where there are no portly employees willing to put on a yellow waistcoat and wave a flag.

5. Rebecca Loos

Y’know, Rebecca Loos, the one who purportedly had an affair with David Beckham and then appeared on a few reality shows. File under “the real one would probably turn up for an extra £20”.

LIKELY TO BE HIRED FOR:

Public appearances where references are likely to be made to pig-wanking, which the real Rebecca Loos probably wouldn’t be too happy with.

4. Nancy Del’Ollio

Talking of people who’ve slept with (or didn’t) persons involved in England’s 2002 World Cup campaign, it’s someone who looks like Sven’s girlfriend and host of some clip show on VH-1 that we caught a few minutes of once, Nancy Del’Ollio.

LIKELY TO BE HIRED FOR:

The Notts County Ownership Farce: The Musical.

3. Chantelle Houghton

Famously (well, semi-famously), the real Chantelle Houghton (remember, the non-celeb who went on Celebrity Big Brother 2006 and won it?) used to be a lookie-likey herself, what with her more than passing resemblance to Paris Hilton. We suppose that if the Chantelle lookalike work does dry up, there is still the Paris Hilton lookalike market.

LIKELY TO BE HIRED FOR:

A touring stage production re-enacting the episode where Dennis Rodman steals Maggot From Goldie Lookin’ Chain’s cigarettes.

2. Howard From The Old Halifax Adverts

Not, you’ll note, the real Howard From The Old Halifax Adverts, but a fake Howard From The Old Halifax Adverts.

LIKELY TO BE HIRED FOR:

A stage production of a movie where there are two Howards From The Old Halifax Adverts.

1. Darth Vader

Uncanny resemblance, isn’t it? So, a bloke who owns the costume and can do the voice, then.

LIKELY TO BE HIRED FOR:

A corporate event where absolutely no employees have ever seen Star Wars, or possibly are unaware of how to rent a Darth Vader costume.

 

So, that’s that, then. If any of the lookie-likeys we’ve just been needlessly snarky about are reading this, we’re sorry. We’re not bad people really. If it’s any consolation, your jobs are probably much better than ours, and you’re not the ones spending a portion of your Christmas Eve putting together this blog update. Merry Christmas!