Worst Ad Campaign of the Week

"Fizzy Canadian Piss-water Light"

The one where the booming voice of Voiceover Man (y'know, from trailers and that) extols the virtues of "Fizzy Canadian Piss-water Light". Pull back to reveal the sound of Voiceover Man has been dubbed onto Generic 'Bloke' Character In Pub. 'Bloke 2' Character then chastises 'Bloke' Character for having the dubbed voice of Voiceover Man. Both are then astonished to see Generic Attractive Lager Advert Woman walking towards them, with (chuckle) the very same dubbed voice of Voiceover Man.

All very 'amusing' in an easily ignorable way. Except! The retort from 'Bloke 2' is also clearly dubbed, replacing the original North American accent with a standard English 'Bloke' accent, in the insultingly annoying way foreign companies often do. Because they can't be bothered spending a couple of grand on filming an actual British actor in an actual British studio, and yet they all expect us to rush out and drink gallons of their horrid Fizzy Canadian Piss-Water. Advertising types, eh?

Of course, they could have repaired all of this by simply replacing 'Bloke' reply to 'Bloke 2' of "wot?" (also dubbed into English Bloke-ese, natch) with an original Canuckaphone uttering of "And you can hardly talk, a-hole". But this is what happens when no-one consults us before launching a large television adverising campaign.

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Hilda Braid 1929-2007

It's undoubtedly a shame when a talented actress with a distinguished career dies, and it does little to mark the passing of someone with a television and film career spanning five decades when many obituaries spend a disproportionately huge amount of their word count referring solely to the soap opera they appeared in at the end of their career. With that in mind, here is a short tribute to the work of Hilda Braid, who died on Tuesday at the age of 78.

After a spell at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art, Hildra Braid spent some time at the Royal Shakespeare Company before landing her first acting role in television. This was screened on the 14th of October 1960, playing the part of Alice Flinders in Associated-Rediffusion's crime drama No Hiding Place.

Over the next couple of decades, she performed in small roles in a wide variety of dramas, soap operas and sitcoms, such as Crossroads, Softly Softly, Z Cars, Catweazle, The Onedin Line, Emmerdale Farm, and Man About The House, but it was in Citizen Smith, a situation comedy penned by a pre-'Horses John Sullivan that she is probably best known. Playing the part of Florence Johnson, mother of the titular socialist's girlfriend and well-meaning, perpetually optimistic foil to husband Charlie, she was able to adopt a persona that was to serve her well for much of her later career. The endearingly dotty Florence would frequently make remarks which would inadvertently puncture husband Charlie's middle-class aspirations or Wolfie Smith's (memorably addressed as 'Foxy' without fail by Braid's character) wannabe-socialist ideals.

From that point on, Braid was able to adapt her character to fit in with a number of other comedies, such as Robin's Nest, enjoyable post-'& Mildred Brian Murphy driving-instructor-com L For Lester (we demand repeats!), and an appearance as Mrs Skimpson in series three of One Foot In The Grave (you know, the episode where the burglars phone Victor and ask him how to set the video recorder they've stole from him). However, it was in her role as (that word again) dotty receptionist Enid in underrated ITV sitcom The 10 Percenters that first saw her return to form in a 'proper' sitcom role, one that was essentially Florence Johnson sixteen years on from Citizen Smith. No less enjoyable for that, of course.

More guest roles followed, taking in dramatic fare such as Dangerfield, The Bill, Midsomer Murders, Doctors, Casualty, several television commercials, not to mention a cameo in the live-action movie of 101 Dalmatians and continued work with the RSC. 2001 saw Braid reunite with Robert "Foxy" Lindsay in My Family, but never mind that, she appeared in both Bodger and Badger, and Chucklevision. Well, we think it's worth highlighting. Hope she didn't get in the way of Badger and his mashed potato. Man, that Badger loved his mashed potato.

2002 saw Hilda Braid take up her final role, clocking up an impressive 160 episodes of EastEnders in the role of Nana Moon. More information on which can be found in several other places. We'd pretty much given up on EastEnders by then, as we were sick of it always going on about the blimmin' Slaay-tah family.

Braid had spent her last years in a nursing home in Hove, East Sussex.

Hilda Braid, actress, born on March 3, 1929, died on November 6, 2007, aged 78. Her television and film acting career took in a total of (going by imdb) some sixty different shows over forty-five years.

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Bah.

Ages ago, we posted this update. It's pretty much the only really good update to the blog we've done, and it was probably the main reason we'd got mentioned in The Guardian Guide. The "Your Woman by White Town" of blog posts, if you will. Fast forward eight months and several thousand disappointed readers who'd mistakenly thought we were capable of being that good more often, and we've stumbled across someone who did something similar, only much, much better.



Now we know how Robbie Fowler felt when everyone started talking up Michael Owen instead of him, and why he didn't pass the ball at the end of the 2001 FA Cup Final to let Little Mickey complete his hat-trick.

And yes, we have noticed that that video had originally been posted over a year ago, but as no-one had started linking to our original image until a year after we'd done it, that sort of fits. There are also lots of other similar spoofs on YouTube, but other than the ace one from The IT Crowd, they're generally rubbish.

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Nothing But The GREAT BIG HORRIBLE LIES, More Like

Well, that might well be exaggerating a tadge (or a lot), but it seems a few of the contestants from Nothing But The Truth aren't too pleased with Ruggie Media's handling of the show. Your super soaraway BrokenTV can reveal that the following allegations have been made:

• Despite specially filmed inserts being shown of contestants answering their questions backstage, all the polygraph Q&A sessions were made at Ruggie Media's HQ during applicants' original interviews, around a week before filming.
  
  
• The more awkward questions were brought forward for contestants who weren't performing quite as entertainingly as the producers hoped, in order to get them off stage slightly more quickly.
  
  
• Shots of contestants making their walk of shame after losing were retaken a number of times. Clearly it makes for a less enjoyable viewing experience if people who'd just lost in a game show don't walk off the stage in just the right manner.

Nothing quite as explosive as the whole ITV Play scandal, or indeed the story about Phillip Schofield murdering all those prostitutes that hasn't hit the papers yet*, but quite interesting nonetheless.

(*Because we just made it up, clearly. We can't stress that enough.)

A full account of one contestants experience with the show is here, and a forum thread featuring (at the time of clicking 'publish post') comments from two of the programme's participants lives here.

And just to reiterate: Phillip Schofield has never murdered anyone. Not as far as we know.

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Time's Nearly Running Out

So, if you've been thinking about applying to become the new controller of BBC One, get those entry forms in now.

In case you can't see that introduction to the advert, it's

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH HAS BEEN WALKING ON

THE WILD SIDE SINCE 1954

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

Quite what that's got to do with the modern BBC One, considering they're making every effort to prove how modern, forward-thinking and not-that-bothered-about-the-past (unless it involves putting a repeat of Open All Hours up against Coronation Street, anyway) they are, we're not entirely sure. By mentioning ex-controller of BBC-2 David Attenborough, are the implying the role is a merely stepping stone to getting your own strand of nature documentary films? Well, seeing as Dave is about to record his swansong series, they might well be looking for someone else, and if they could get the controller of BBC One to do it on the side (in a salaried position, so they won't be putting an overtime form in), that could suit their new remit pretty well.

Gosh, aren't we the little Rory Bremners tonight, eh?

Anyway, if anyone here fancies applying for the job, or if they want to take a tip out of Lee & Herring about fourteen years ago's book and make a jokingly inept application for the position (and we were genuinely considering doing just that, you know), here's the link. Just promise us you'll show Night Of The Comet as the BBC One Friday night movie once in a while, that's all we ask.

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Halloween Spookiness Special: Day One

There are a number of approaches used to influence people in public information films aimed at The Kids. You might take a sort of jokey, friendly approach (cf. "Charley Says", featuring special guest mewling by Kenny Everett), or you might prefer a personality-led tack (cf. Rolf inviting everyone down to the swimming pool with a jolly wave of his foot). The most interesting approach, even if it's the one most likely to give Richard bloody Bacon an excuse to pop up on a clip show to talk about it, is to try and scare the living bejeebus out of The Kids instead.

In the first part of an enthralling (disclaimer: may not be enthralling) two-part series, we're going to look at a PIF from each side of the Atlantic, and try and decide which effort is the most truly unsettling. Proper unsettling. Half-a-notch below Threads unsettling. Brr.

First up, a look at how youthful former colonials were terrified into talking care of their bicycles.

We first happened across this short film early one Sunday morning a few months ago, lurking in the darkest reaches of Sumo.tv's early morning schedule. As with much of Sumo's output, it's also available (in varying formats up to broadcast quality level) at archive.org, and it's genuinely something you need to watch at least once. For those who fancy dipping into it, it's also on YouTube.

Aaargh! Scary kids on bikes!

The plot? A group of children, all wearing inexplicably terrifying ape masks and curly tails, ride their bicycles to the park for a nice 1960s all-American picnic, with one unlucky child the designated carrier of everyone else's lunch bags. Of course, it's not just the sight of what would make a serviceable promo video for The Knife that's the alarming part. Heck, no.

As the film progresses to the sound of jaunty pre-ironic library music, the attention is focused on differing spooky ape-children. For example, first we hear about Rooty "Toot" Jasperson, who has the newest bike of all the monkeychums. Determined to cement his alpha male status, he races ahead of the pack. Voiceover Man states that he's a real "go getter", but notes that if you're so very determined to lead the pack, there are several things you don't have time for. Such as, those silly hand signals bicyclists must make when turning.

Aaargh! Aaargh!


Yes. Always make signals. (And aaargh!)

In order to rest his weary arms, he skips one signal as he turns left. Just one. And he is duly thudded into the tarmac by a car.

Try to not do this on your bike, kids.

Now, how best to convey the gravity of this situation to impressionable youngsters already in a permanent state of semi-panic over the twin threats of nuclear annihilation and international socialism? A comedy 'prang' sound effect, and a jaunty 'whoops' animation? Yes.

Oops.

As the camera focuses eerily on the picnic bag that its owner won't be needing any more, Voiceover Man pipes up. "At this point, Rooty "Toot" Jasperson left the party." Thanks, Voiceover Man.

The crew of chums are mostly picked off in a similar manner, their callous disregard for basic bicycle behavioural protocol seeing them dispatched in various manners, including but not limited to: being flattened by a steamroller; falling down an open manhole; or smashing their simian face into an oncoming vehicle. Each one followed by a quick shot of their picnic bag, a quip from Voiceover Man, a cut back to the remaining chums, and a return to the jaunty library music.

It carries on like this for some fifteen minutes, with only one child meeting his unfortunate end in a non-fatal manner, mainly because he'd had his bike nicked. At the end, only one solitary tyke makes it to the picnic spot, thanks to his dutiful adherence to the Bicycle Laws Of His United States. As such, instead of mourning his deceased pals, he scoffs all their picnics instead. Hey, there's a Red Menace out there, it wasn't a time for sentimentality.

Quite strangely, on the Sumo showings of the clip, after each mishap the action cuts to monochrome footage of a scary laughing clown - and not 'ironic' scary, proper actual scary, but in the clip we've downloaded from archive.org there's just blackness and no laughter. We're finding it strange, because we haven't noticed Sumo re-editing any of the other archive material they broadcast, and it's not as if One Got Fat needs any tinkering with - it's disturbing enough already. But anyway, the whole affair is one that we can scarcely believe was shown to small child-people in 60's America, but, as the testimonies on archive.org site confirm, it blimmin' well was. We give it a Scary PIF Rating of NINE OUT OF TEN.

Aaargh! Aaargh! Aaargh! Aaargh! Aaargh! Aaargh!

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Nothing But the Truth, then

According to Sky's PR monolith, "Hosted by Jerry Springer, contestants are hooked up to a lie-detector and asked a tailored set of increasingly personal and risqué questions about their life in order to win a jackpot of £50,000. The situation is made more embarrassing by their closest friends, family and partners being in the audience to witness their confessions." And, we have to say, it was pretty entertaining. But, we do have a number of petty gripes. Because we're as hard to please as a scouse postie.

Gripe one. We're willing to be corrected on this, but the impression we've got of this is that all the lie detecting is actually done during the backstage (off screen, and away from the family and friends who'd come along) Q&A session with researchers. All that is actually happening on-stage is that a selection of questions from the earlier session are read out (this part in front of the cameras, audience, Jerry, friends and family) and any answers given have to be the same as previously. The response to their replies is then announced, but all the lie-detecting was done previously.

This is slightly skirted over in Jerry's introduction, to convey an impression of everything happening on stage, in much the same way as Chris Tarrant used to pretend ...Millionaire was broadcast live by slotting some topical remarks to that day's news (which were actually recorded a day after the remainder of the show). Just another example of TEH HORRID TV LIE FACTORY? Not really, we can't help but feel the show would be enhanced by a team of boffins in the corner of the studio hunched around a polygraph machine.

Gripe two. Aside from the one about the taxi driver having a 'bit on the side', the questions asked were mostly rather tame. Asking a taxi driver if he'd ever criticised the government while driving his cab (HE DID!), or if he ever uses pornographic material (HE DOES!) isn't exactly going to get any grannies dropping their knitting these days. Now that they've used one of their best hands in the first episode -

"Have you ever thought about having a homosexual experience? [pause] Don't answer now, we'll be back after this break!"

[five minutes later]

"No, I haven't."

"THAT IS THE... TRUTH"

- they'd better be ramping up the awkwardness dramatically over the next week. And it's a bit of a shame they couldn't have used something more challenging if they were going to have lots of obvious "black cab driver" questions, such as "have you ever made a comment to a passenger that could be considered racist?".

Gripe three. It's all very slow. It's all very well to be full of suspense in these post-WWTBAM times, but over one hour and two contestants, we've yet to see anyone actually tell an untruth. Understandably, the prizes on offer have head to be kept low, just so there's a chance someone will risk a lie, but dragging out someone's chance of getting up to a mere thousand pounds to almost fifteen minutes is an almost glacial pace in today's modern short-attention-span society. Upping the prizes wouldn't really help - hell, we'd happily claim we fantasise about molesting seafood on national television if there was a million quid in it - so just get the trivial questions over and done with. (And we don't really have a piscine fetish. Not since the time we caught gonorrhea from that tench, anyway.)

Of course, we'll still be watching it for the next few days. Expect further reports, because we've made a vow to ourselves to update more often.

It'll never last.

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New MTV Channel Announced. A Nation Rejoices* (* Fails To Care)

From DigitalSpy:

MTV is to launch a new entertainment channel next month known as MTV R: 'Rated and Recommended'.

The broadcaster said that MTV R, which launches on November 8, will offer viewers "an opportunity to enjoy the iconic shows that made MTV famous".

Content on MTV R will include the first and second series of Newlyweds, Cribs, Laguna Beach and Pimp My Ride.

After dark the channel will offer up a selection of stunt-based shows, in the shape of Jackass, Wildboyz and Viva La Bam.

Now, consider us to be out-of-touch curmudgeons with unfashionable hair if you like, but isn't that pretty fupping well much what MTV is anyway? And that this whole affair is just an excuse to cram an MTV channel into the 'entertainment' section of everyone's EPGs in order to jump-start the unremarkable audience figures currently enjoyed by the rest of the MTV 'family'?

Mind you, at least it might distract them from such glaring anomalies as playing the (excellent) 'Homecoming' by The Teenagers in full at 1.55am in MTV2's ace "120 Minutes" strand, then following it up by removing bad words such as "pain", "bleed" or "gun" from their standard output of Bad NME-Friendly Rock five minutes later during "MTV2: Commercial Free".

(Two updates in one day! We're practically turning into Engadget!)

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Dave: Stupid name, decent viewing figures. But anyway: numbers.

According to MeejaGuardian, UKTV's brave move to launch a Freeview channel with something worth watching on it (but with a really, really stupid name that a bunch of overpaid marketing yahoos are still probably quaffing celebratory cocaine over even as we type) seems to have paid off, with the channel ahead of BBC Three, Living and Sky One in the multichannel viewing share league table. While we're not sure cramming a channel full of Top Gear repeats is a viable long-term plan, it seems to be preferable to watching Price-drop TV, E4+1 or the smileTV "Programming starts at 3am" screen. And quite right, too.

Now, given the launch of a channel on Freeview that broadcasts lots of already popular programmes - as opposed to another shopping or time-shifted channel - was always likely to prove popular on a television platform preferred by 30.4% of the population, why aren't there more entertainment channels on there? Over on Sky, Paramount are really struggling for viewers at the moment, with their most-watched show (Scrubs, with 112,000 viewers for w/e 14th Oct) being out-watched by classic programmes such as History Channel's Ice Road Truckers (159,000 viewers), or ITV3's repeat of An Audience With Des O'Connor (223,000 viewers). If they'd put the channel onto Freeview, possibly by annexing the Bid-Up TV studios - well, it's worth a try - they'd be onto an advertising revenue winner, we're sure.

The same applies to Bravo, Living and Sci-Fi. For all their endless promotion and "flagship" programmes (or more accurately "help! We've spunked all our annual budget on one NBC adult drama that got got canned after eight episodes" programmes), they're hardly eating into the viewing shares of the 'proper' channels. Unless you're counting ITV1, but we're still convinced Michael Grade is trying some sort of The Producers-type tax dodge with that. We fully expect to see 'Springtime For Bin Laden' as part of their Christmas Day schedule.

This brings us onto another almost relevant point. There were a lot of channels that launched around the same time as Sky Digital that quite clearly cost a bit of money to keep running, and with the relatively tiny potential audience of the time, they would clearly be fighting an uphill struggle. Channels such as TaraTV (which showcased the best of Irish TV - The Late Late Show, Don't Feed The Gondolas, and live sets from the like of Tommy Tiernan) barely troubled the Barb number monkeys. This set of ratings figures from March 2001 reveal that exactly half of their fifty most-watched programmes attained a total of "0.00m" viewers (or, given that the totals are rounded off to the closest decimal point, less than 5,000 viewers) . Their top programme - Quiet Man - reached a Barb-extrapolated total of 40,000 viewers. Their top 10 most-watched shows were as follows:

QUIET MAN	0.04m
RACING GREEN	0.02m
NINE/CLOCK NEWS-TARA	0.02m
CRIMELINE	0.01m
HARBOUR NIGHTS	0.01m
PRIMETIME	0.01m
THE PURE DROP	0.01m
FAIR CITY	0.01m
GARDEN HEAVEN	0.01m
TARA SHOP	0.01m

That's an average of 150,000 viewers.

That might not sound like a lot, but let's compare it to one of the few other digital-only channels on offer at the time, UK Drama :

SNAPPER	0.05m
DUCHESS OF DUKE STRT	0.04m
WODEHOUSE PLAYHOUSE	0.04m
DUCHESS OF DUKE STRT	0.03m
DUCHESS OF DUKE STRT	0.03m
DUCHESS OF DUKE STRT	0.03m
MR WROE'S VIRGINS	0.03m
BLUE REMBRD HILLS	0.02m
BADGER	0.02m
MR WROE'S VIRGINS	0.02m

"Snapper" probably not being an adaptation of Acornsoft's Pac-Man clone, we're guessing. An average of 310,000 viewers.

So, in the grand scheme of things, Tara found itself not a billion miles behind a heavily promoted UKTV channel which was in a better EPG slot at the time (151 vs 178). Considering Tara had only launched on Sky Digital, contained mostly programmes the vast majority of the potential audience won't have heard of, and UK Drama was just the latest in the UKTV family of channels, that's not a bad showing.

One imaginary montage of clocks whizzing forwards and pages falling off a day-by-day calendar later, we find ourselves in Space Year 2007. Looking at the figures for the same week in 2007, how much have the fortunes of the UKTV channel changed since then? The ever useful Barb website has the answer.

NEW TRICKS	0.236m
DALZIEL AND PASCOE	0.229m
THE INSPECTOR LYNLEY MYSTERIES	0.151m
MISS MARPLE	0.13m
NEW TRICKS	0.118m
SHARPE	0.107m
LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE	0.106m
LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE	0.106m
MURDER, SHE WROTE	0.098m
KEEPING UP APPEARANCES	0.098m

An improved average over the top ten programmes of 137,900 viewers. That's up 106,900 viewers on six years previous, or a whopping 349% for any percentage fans in the room. How would that relate to a possible top ten shows for Tara Television, given that we're going to attribute offensively stereotypical titles to each of the programmes in the rundown? It's okay, we've got Irish relatives, so it's not racist.

STICK IT UP YOUR BOLLICKS with ROY KEANE	0.14m
FECK!	0.07m
WHITTLING NOBBLY STICKS WITH PACKIE BONNER	0.07m
THE LATE LATE LATE SHOW LATE	0.03m
I'VE A PIG UNDER MY ARM	0.03m
HORSES RUNNING THROUGH HOUSING ESTATES	0.03m
AMERICANS PRETENDING THEY'RE PART IRISH	0.03m
FAIR CITY	0.03m
THE FAI SLAPSTICK HOUR w/ STAN STAUNTON	0.03m
SIX-ONE NEWS	0.03m

That gives an improved average of 50,000 viewers. Just to put that into context, that would see the channel comfortably ahead of VH-1, UKTV People, Trouble, Men and Motors, Discovery, and pretty much on a par with Challenge. And all with programmes that hadn't already been broadcast on any other British channel. Good going, we'd say. All of which makes it a shame Tara Television went belly up in 2002.

That's no reason why UK Play shouldn't make a comeback, though.

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A Really Quick, Rather Pointless Update About Nothing Much

Now, we kind of already know the answer to this, so there's no need to post a comment, but: if you're going to a produce a movie that even tinkers with the concept of 'having something to do with computers and/or videogames', why not try avoiding something as clichéd and obvious as having any computer used in your entire film being an Alienware laptop? We know you probably had a delicate choice to take between 'morality' and 'being a corporate shill', but really.

Yes, in case you hadn't guessed, we've just made the mistake of having 'Stay Alive' ("with "Malcolm in the Middle"'s Frankie Muniz in it", except he isn't, hardly) on Sky's Anytime TV in the background while playing (and losing at) internet poker, and even then it's the sort of technological shorthand for "we don't really know what we're doing" that really bugs us for some reason. And even then we had the sound turned down because we were listening to an iTunes playlist, and even then it offended us on at least two of our senses*. And now we've even got frigging Scary Movie 4 on in the background (thankfully drowned out by the sound of Frank Black's 93-03). We really need to cancel our Sky Movies subscription is basically what we're saying here.

(*It somehow smelled. Of wee.)

(Don't worry readers, we've just bought a copy of the 1950 BBC Handbook from eBay, so we're sure we'll be able to get a decent update out of that in the next few days.)

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