Forty-Five Seconds Of A YouTube Video Where Someone Flips Through US Cable Channels At 3.15pm On January 29 1989, And What It Tells Us About The Human Condition

YouTube, the internet’s home of pretty much everything recorded ever (until the rights holder insists it’s all taken down immediately). A world of possibilities, where anything from the whole of (visually-) recorded history can live on once more, in a form accessible by anyone on Planet Earth (except where the rights holder insists that etc etc and so on).

So, which type of video has been mesmerising us this week? Pretty much every pop video of every single we’ve ever liked in the history of always? Revisiting footage of childhood holiday locations as they are now? Donkey porn?

Nope. It’s time for the inaugural instalment of…

Today, we’ll be looking at ClassicGarth’s work “Channel Surfing: Sunday, January 29, 1989 3:15 PM”.

It kicks off with the tail end of an NBA Sports interview with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, then coming to the end of a long career with the LA Lakers. With this, we can’t help but feel that the uploader is trying to point out how this signifies the end of the last truly American decade.

With recession, the first Gulf war and New Kids On The Block looming large, the giant Lakers no. 33 represented a fading dream, the dying embers of an ideology where a clearly defined bogeyman could be railed against, and the middle classes may soon have to face up to the fact they it is they who are responsible for their own future, any failings could no longer be blamed on an overblown Red Menace. Eastern Europe was in the last throws of communism, sure, but the clearly defined distinction between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ sides of the globe were soon to become as dim a memory as deely-boppers and Coke II. Abdul-Jabbar, most famous for wearing a purple Lakers uniform on the court, of course represented a then aging but still adept American everyman (purple = what you get when you mix the red and blue of the US flag), an everyman the Joe American could still unequivocally revere even though he has a name that sounds “a bit Muslimy”.

It’s a brave way to spend the first four seconds of the video, but one that we feel says so much. On to second five seconds of the video, and ClassicGarth really gets things going. Via a split-second clip of a film that looks a bit European, we’re on to a clip of a silver-haired rich white man in a suit with a microphone in front of an indistinct logo. A toll-free phone number sits in the bottom-middle of the screen, as names of callers scroll along beneath it, complete with small quantities of cash. Here, it almost seems as if ClassicGarth has pointed out how this was still an America that doesn’t wish to take in any of that cockadoody foreign culture (that European film was on-screen for less than half a second before being callously whipped away from the gaze of the viewer), but rather an America that much prefers the sight of Old Rich Men In Suits telling people about the value of things.

Some might say the man is the owner of a local chain of stores, cheerily imploring viewers to phone in and announce how much they saved in their previous visit to whatever the name of the store is (our guess: “Westernoids”). Other, more correct viewers might point out that it’s some kind of telethon, but maybe that’s ClassicGarth’s masterstroke? Where does commerce end and charity begin?  If you spend money on goods and services, you’re proactively helping the unemployed, by keeping their employer in business, meaning that they never even become unemployed in the first place. Effectively, is capitalism not the very ultimate act of altruism?

This charmingly simplistic view of capitalism also provides an evocative view of Western civilisation in the late 1980s. Hard-bitten modern day cynics might point out that if a company sees profits rise nowadays, they’ll probably sack everyone anyway, and move their manufacturing plants to Timbuktu in order to protect that precious double-digit growth, but back then things were so much simpler.

Onto the ninth second of the video, and the viewer finds themself confronted with another rich-looking white man in a suit, but this time a person who is somewhat less jolly, and is speaking in a language we can only correctly categorise as “foreign”, before another final fleeting glimpse of Jolly Silver Haired White Telethon Man In A Suit. Perhaps this is there in order to reinforce the view that the 1990s are lurking, and a deregulated Europe that promised to be simultaneously confusing, frightening, bewildering and brilliant was then just a few years away. It took ITV’s brilliant comedy drama series Root Into Europe about eight weeks to make the same point, but ever the auteur, ClassicGarth wraps it all up within five seconds of footage.

From here, we’re tossed headlong into a dizzying whirlwind of marketing, whizzing around our eyes at such a rate we can barely take it all in. A barely perceptible glimpse of an advert for the Chevrolet Astro here (clear subtext: Detroit is dying along with North America’s manufacturing base), a garishly animated ident for a segment of something seemingly called “TRAVEL TRAVEL TIPS TIPS” (subtext: 1929 is all happening again, the second great Wall St crash cannot be far away. Travel far, far away from all that you treasure, everything you hold dear, it’s the only way to avoid seeing it all crumble and die before your sobbing consumer eyes), a crappy photo-stop-motion advert for hair product (subtext: knowledge and skill is now bunk, superficiality is the only currency of worth for the next two decades), are all thrown at our staggered face before some more sedate footage. OR SO IT SEEMS. A cute little bear climbing a tree in a forest might seem innocent enough, a hark back to frontier days, perhaps. Except of course: the bear represents Wall Street. The tree represents your 401k. Subtext: FEAR CAPITALISM. MONEY IS A LIE. Most telling of all, is the lack of the other large mammal usually associated with Wall Street. NO BULL = ALL OF THIS WILL DEFINITELY HAPPEN.

Okay, at this point ClassicGarth must be well aware that our entire belief system has taken such a kicking we’re not altogether sure the very air molecules that we breathe aren’t somehow bugged by a CIA sleeper cell, so there’s a bit of nice classical guitar, played by a well-dressed man in front of a blue background (one of the colours of the American flag, of course. And the man is wearing a white shirt, which is another of the colours of Old Glory. There is no red to be seen in this part of the video, reminding us that communism is still very much alive in Eastern Europe at that time). But, there IS a midpoint of those two poles. Between communism and the laissez-faire utopia that is George Herbert Walker Bush-era America, there is…

Aah. Footage of a Frenchman with a beard debating something. A spectacular choice by ClassicGarth here. Could this be signifying the ways of neo-socialist France, a nation very much still in thrall to the power of unions, but still maintaining a publicly-acceptable corporate political overview? We can’t quite tell, because we failed French at school, but we’re going to say “definitely yes”, even though we just guessed at all that stuff about French life in 1989.

Then, another flurry of frantic flipping: a man panning for rice or something, a shopping channel promoting a thing in a box marked “The Promax 57 Chevy Full Function”, a clip of an old Tony Curtis movie, the half-time statistics of a match between Ohio State and Louisville. In short, the natural world takes no heed of events elsewhere, rice will always need to be panned (or something), objects in boxes will always need to be hawked by excitable men in cheap television studios, the history of art grows ever larger therefore relentlessly diluting the good while simultaneously making it more rewarding to find, and the same applies to pointless sporting statistics. Is that Tony Curtis’ best film? Was the rice panned to an acceptable degree? Is Louisville having amassed 18 rebounds in the first half of their match against Ohio State a good thing, or a bad thing? So many questions, so many things that we will never know, our souls before increasingly insignificant when set against the totality of human knowledge, so hey, why not buy a lovely Promax 57 Chevy Full Function.

The last few seconds of the first forty-five try their best to sooth our now frenzied and frankly frazzled minds. A single shot of a calming winter scene in an old-timey town, the screen filled with relaxing blue lights falling upon crisp white snow (again, the colour red is ominously absent). This represents the ‘winter’ of our years, to remind us all that death comes to all men, be they rich, poor, or women. We start as a zero on the statistics page of life, and end it with a ‘score’ of the sum total what we were able to bring to the lives of others.

Then, 1.7 seconds of a shot panning outwards, taking in a clock and the studio of a radio station. Time marches mercilessly onwards, ClassicGarth seems to be saying here. The studio microphones, placed unattainably behind a pane of soundproof glass, represents the public voice that we all wish we had, but one that we shall never be able to attain. No-one will ever truly hear our thoughts, especially if they only ever update their sodding blog once every four weeks.

Then, two frames of a weather report. This represents the uncontrollable elements that shape our one and only spell in this godless universe, about which we can do absolutely nothing. All that is left to do is keep calm, and do all that we can to simply carry on. Lower your expectations. Re-evaluate all that you think you know. The Last Great American Decade is drawing to a close. A tumultuous storm is coming (which THE GOVERNMENT REGULATED MEDIA will almost definitely report as ‘scattered showers’ in order to quell rebellion). Say everything you need to say, and say it quick, for there is at least a 40% chance of precipitation (subtext: precipitation = an existence filled with a nagging sense of ennui and self-doubt).

The final frame of the first forty-five seconds of the video contain several heavily VHS-ravaged frames of a man (possibly representing The Establishment) clasping his hand over the mouth of a woman (possibly representing The Free Thinker). This seems to have been chosen by ClassicGarth to clearly underline the central theme of this, possibly the finest and unquestionably the most personal of his 27 YouTube uploads. Don’t speak out, you won’t be heard (see also: the radio station scene). And even if you think you might be heard, the dodgy tracking on the great VCR in the sky will ensure that a great big static line covers up most of your face. That’s if The Establishment’s Big Hand Of Censorship doesn’t do it first.

Now, at this point we got a bit bored of the video and went off to do something else, leaving the last ninety seconds of the clip unwatched, but we feel this is what ClassicGarth was truly aiming for. The unwatched portion of the clip represents the fact that life simply carries on without us when we die (/stop watching the YouTube video). All the children you’ll never see grow up, all the great works of art you’ll never get to experience, all the incremental improvements made to mobile phones, they’ll all carry on long, long after you’ve gone.

Some might say we should just watch the rest of the clip, that we’ve embedded it at the top of this update anyway, and if we were so bored about it why have we written all of this horseshit? This, we feel, would be an affront to ClassicGarth’s masterpiece.

 

We couldn’t do that to him.

 

It wouldn’t be right.

 

It’d be like asking to see Mona Lisa’s tits.

---

NEXT UPDATE: 8,500 words about a video of someone waving their iPhone camera about at an Arcade Fire gig.

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Football News Summed Up Via Doctored Videogame Screenshots: 1. The Hicks and Gillett Damages Claim

Number one in a series of one.

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Group Hug Of The Week (Gordon Burns leaves North West Tonight)

Anchorman of the BBC's teatimely glance northwesterly for fifteen years, Gordon Burns finally called it a day on the 30th of September 2011. A region looked up fondly from its tea at this, a touching tribute to the ex-Krypton Factor host's time on the sofa. Including contributions from Freddie Flintoff, Mark Radcliffe, Stewart Hall, Stuart Maconie and Johnny Vegas, this sums up his tenure nicely.

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R.E.M.R.I.P.– A Chartblast Infographic

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

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How To Make Your TV Shows On DVD Collection 107% More Excellent (For Under £50)

It’s the first of an occasional series of blog updates that’ll soon fizzle out into nothing! (Oh we WILL so continue with our World Cup of TV Comedy, really we will.) (Yes, really.) (REALLY.)

Long story short: thanks to our excellent now ex-colleagues, we’ve got some Amazon gift card virtu-cash to play with, so we’ve been having a look through Amazon, and there are quite a few great DVD bargains on the go at the moment. Ignoring all the movies on DVD (which will turn up on sale at £2.99 in Home Bargains in three months after being released, so quite why anyone ever pays full price for them we’ll never understand), here are a clutch of brilliant TV on DVD bargains currently on offer.

To make it more fun*, we’re going to spend an imaginary £50 of YOUR money on DVDs, and subsequently improve your DVD collection beyond all belief. Think of it as a kind of “Telly Geek Eye For The Normal Guy Or Girl (But Statistically Likely To Be A Guy)”. Or as being a bit like that round on Talkin’ ‘Bout Your Generation where they do something a bit similar only with goods from the past and no-one’s noticed yet that the logic behind the game doesn’t really work.

(*We may mean ‘fun’ in the same way that Intel once claimed the Pentium II processor was somehow ‘fun’, i.e. not fun at all.)

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After ‘Red Or Black?’: Those New Syco Gameshow Formats In Full

Following the runaway success of ITV1 ratings juggernaut (SUB: PLEASE CHECK) RED OR BLACK, Simon Cowell’s production company Syco have devised a number of new and innovative gameshow formats, due to hit the nation's screens in 2012. BrokenTV's Dark Arts Dept have infiltrated Syco's underground lair to obtain these EXCLUSIVE details on What Simon Cowell Did Next.

THE X AND O FACTOR

Two teams of 512 contestants, one captained by Ant, one by Dec. Each must take part in the world's biggest game of noughts and crosses, assembling themselves into shapes on a huge 3x3 grid on board an aircraft carrier in the North Atlantic. After each game, the remaining players are assigned into two more teams and the game repeated in a different pointlessly huge locale, until two individuals finally face-off in front of a live studio audience for the chance to win ONE MILLION POUNDS.

EXTREME POOH STICKS

Two teams of 1024 contestants. Two giant logs adorned with the letters 'A' and 'B', two cannons, and a trip around the great rivers of the world. Only one contestant can ultimately win a trip to Disneyland, where they will battle a giant animatronic Winnie The Pooh (with sticks) for a chance to win ONE MILLION POUNDS.

ROCK, PAPER, DIVERSITY

12,288 lucky contestants have been bussed into Syco's secret underground studio, where they are expected to predict the outcome of Rock, Paper, Scissor matches between members of inoffensive dance combo Diversity. One lucky winner will be the recipient of ONE MILLION POUNDS, while the 12,287 unlucky losers will be forced into a lifetime of servitude reporting unauthorised uploads of Syco artists on YouTube.

WHAT NUMBER IS DAVID HASSELHOFF THINKING OF?

65,536 contestants are packed into Wembley stadium, and each has been assigned a number between one and a hundred. Will their number be picked by walking internet meme and Syco employee #2457 David Hassellhoff? If so, they get to continue their journey towards winning a prize of HOW EVER MANY POUNDS DAVID HASSELHOFF IS THINKING OF.

HEADS OR TAILS WITH JUSTIN LEE COLLINS

Oh, wait.

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Expectation Versus Reality (Talkin’ ‘Bout Your Generation UK)

Aussie television blog TV Tonight reports that a British version of transgenerational celebrity panel show TALKIN’ ‘BOUT YOUR GENERATION could well be in the works, with original host Shaun Micallef under consideration to present the pilot episode. Now, that would clearly be great news for British fans of Shaun Micallef, of which there seem to be a surprisingly large amount considering the only work of his to ever be shown in here went out on Paramount on weeknights at 11pm about seven years ago, and whose work has never been released on DVD in the UK. Micallef fans aside, it could also provide a shot in the arm for pre-watershed non-Cowell entertainment on ITV, with the only genuinely exciting new format of the last few years, the marvellous PENN & TELLER: FOOL US being bounced around the schedules so much the series finale was sneaked out several weeks after the rest of the series on a different day of the week.

While some might (incorrectly) argue that the Penn & Teller show held little of interest for those who think magic shows are a relic of the past, TAYG should hold a more universal appeal by design. The format of the game – a battle of wits between the Baby Boomer generation, Generation X and Gen Y – means that there’s something viewers of all ages can relate to. Given the right host and team captains, while it’s not a format likely to gather a huge audience immediately, it could certainly prove to become a sleeper hit that grows an audience steadily as time goes on, much as happened with TV Burp. Providing of course, that it isn’t ditched because the first episodes didn’t bag seven million viewers.

A big part of TAYG’s success down under is down to the choice of team captains, with the mumsy Amanda Keller, smart-alecky bigger brother type Charlie Pickering and Josh Thomas, very much the ‘Alan Davies’ of the ensemble, who maintains a pupil/teacher relationship with host Shaun Micallef, combining effortlessly with the format of the show. Another major factor is that the show has evolved as each series has progressed, with what started as a relatively traditional quiz-based panel show having since become less and less conventional, to the point where the episode screened in Australia just a few hours ago saw the cast members switching roles, performing an entire episode dressed up and performing as each other.

Having the right choice of host – who in this instance happens to be the co-creator of the format – is integral to all this, with more and more of the humour we’ve come to expect from Shaun Micallef seeping into the show, even going as far to include specially shot sketches with the likes of Francis Greenslade and Kat Stewart, or pre-recorded appearances from characters performed by Micallef himself, such as “Former Heavyweight Champion of Goat Island” Milo Kerrigan, or a Japanese cliché-spouting Hello Kitty toy, with which real-Shaun interacts expertly.

The changes that have taken place are perhaps best illustrated by screencaps of the questionmaster in action. Here’s Shaun in the first series, with a modest desk, and a single prop telephone, regularly used to mimic angry calls from the producer each time he delivers an especially corny joke.

By the time of series three, any number of props appear on the desk, changing from episode to episode, most of which are never even referred to (like Shaun’s Tyrell Corp high-backed chair), while some (such as Stuart the Stuffed Meerkat, who springs up holding items any of the guests might be there to plug) are frequently remarked upon.

And that’s before we get to the increasingly common themed episodes, of course:

All of which makes us a little concerned at how the ITV version of the series might turn out (and it would be ITV – the show is a Granada Australia/ITV Studios production, so they already own the rights). The last decade has taught us that when ITV has a new light entertainment format, they tend to spin the ITV Whirly-Wheel Of The Half-Dozen Presenters We Like Right Now, and give it to whichever name clicks into place. Should TAYG UK become a full series, we suspect the host would end up being VERNON KAY, DERMOT O’LEARY, JONATHAN ROSS, JASON MANFORD or (may God have mercy on our souls) PADDY McGUINNESS. and we can’t really imagine any of those having the same sort of impact.

Instead, there are only five real candidates for the role as far as we’re concerned. And here they are:

SHAUN MICALLEF

THE CASE FOR: Clearly the best at doing the job. Effortlessly funny. A keen student of classic British comedy, so much so that the last episode of TAYG saw him throw in a Goon Show reference. More television viewers in this country would be introduced to the work of Shaun Micallef.

THE CASE AGAINST: Micallef might well not want to be away from his family for the few months of the year that TAYG UK would run, and even then, nor might the co-writers who help make the show what it is. More importantly, we suspect the ITV programme commissioners couldn’t countenance the idea of giving a primetime UK television show to someone who isn’t already well-known here.

PETER SERAFINOWICZ

THE CASE FOR: Probably the British comedy performer most like the multi-talented Micallef. After seeing Brian Butterfield slot in so well with the Shooting Stars format last week, having occasional questions posed by a pre-recorded Butterfield in a British version of TAYG would be wonderful, and Serafinowicz’s inventive humour would be well-suited to coming up with the kinds of question asked during the later rounds of the game.

THE CASE AGAINST: When Peter S does crop up on panel shows like Would I Lie To You or 8 Out of 10 Cats he hasn’t really been at his best, though that might because chipping in with the occasional comment isn’t really his style – a programme centred around him would be a different prospect. More pertinently, with him becoming increasingly popular in the US – his was the most interesting character in sitcom misfire Running Wilde, and he’s due to take part in the Arrested Development movie – he may well have neither the time nor inclination to host an ITV panel show.

ROB BRYDON

THE CASE FOR: Quick witted, able to adapt to a number of personalities, the kind of performer everyone’s mum likes. There’s a good chance he’d be willing to take on the role too, we’d imagine.

THE CASE AGAINST: We don’t think he’d be quite as good in the hosting role as Micallef or Serafinowicz. Might be tied to the BBC – we don’t think he’s fronted anything for another network since 2004’s Director’s Commentary for ITV1.

JASPER CARROTT

THE CASE FOR: Maybe a bolt out of the blue this one, but his spell hosting early evening gameshow Gits Win Prizes Goldenballs proves that he’s perfectly capable of hosting such a show. If Carrott can rediscover the form the saw him become Britain’s favourite stand-up for the late 1980s and early 1990s, he could still do well here. If nothing else, it’d be brilliant to have Jasper Carrott back on Saturday night telly.

THE CASE AGAINST: Now in his sixties, he’s probably a bit too old now to go back to doing characters, even if that would only be a minor part of the show. Of the people on our shortlist, Carrott would possibly prove the biggest risk, and there’s a large chance he’s perfectly happy living off the fortune he made from Celador.

HARRY HILL

THE CASE FOR: Surely he’ll have to try something that isn’t TV Burp eventually? No, we’re not counting You’ve Been Framed, it seems he just knocks out all those voiceovers in a single week. Mr Harry could certainly breathe a lot of life into a British version of TAYG, and the format would give him an ideal opportunity to bring back characters such as Stouffer the Cat or Bert Kwouk.

THE CASE AGAINST: There’s a danger the show would become more about Harry Hill than anything else, and unlike with (say) Shooting Stars where the guests are merely meat in the room, the guests on TAYG are there to actually take part. Such a role would require him to come a little bit out of character at time – which as we’ve seen with his godawful I Wanna Baby single or radio interviews where he bemoans the BBC spending money on programmes that he doesn’t like, might not be a good thing.

Sadly, we do suspect that it’ll be none of the above, and it’ll probably end up as a vehicle for Keith fucking Lemon. PROVE US WRONG, ITV. Just because Australian television picked the wrong host for their version of TV Burp (Ed Kavalee, who we don’t have anything against, just that he wasn’t quite right for the series), it doesn’t mean that you should return the favour.

Here’s a sample clip of the show in action. It’s a segment from a special episode where the guests are real-life relatives of the team captains, and where Josh Thomas’ grandmother Mona puts in a wonderful performance.

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Usavich vs Paul Merton: The Series (WORLD CUP OF TV COMEDY)

So, welcome to the opening match of the BrokenTV World Cup of TV Comedy 2011. Before 'kick off', an interesting bit of background - BrokenTV's Mark X originally came up with the notion of putting each match up to a public vote, in very much the same manner used in the BETEO Song Wars, which he devised and is best at. Upon realising that (a) no-one would really sit through two entire episodes of a TV show before voting in each round, (b) getting hold of complete, legally viewable episodes of each show online would be near impossible, and (c) he's clearly the best at liking comedy anyway, the decision was made to do things this way.

And so, over to our commentary team for today's match, Tony Gubba and Egyptian polymath/high priest of the sun god Ra, Imhotep.

TONY: So, a bit of a controversial choice for the finals here. USAVICH is a series of short animations - made for MTV Flux Japan - clocking in at just 90 seconds long. In order to participate, the competition organisers have agreed to count each full season as a single 'episode'. As that still totals just 21 minutes, it has been agreed to let the plucky Asians take part.,The crowd seem a bit uncertain about this, Imhotep.

IMHOTEP: Suspect the tetchiness of the crowd might be down to us having nicked this fake sporting commentary riff from J Nash, Tony.

TONY: It's a homage, Imho. You know, like when Family Guy steals jokes from things on telly in the 1980s.

IMHOTEP: Boy, this is worse than the time I dropped acid with the cast of Rentaghost, Tony.

TONY: That's the level, Imho. Up against Usavich today is oft-forgotten sketch show PAUL MERTON: THE SERIES. Coming from that short period where people let the London-based funnyman make actual proper comedy on television instead of just having him react to things in a wry manner, or front engrossing documentaries on cinema.

IMHOTEP: PM:TS was certainly the high watermark in Merton's career, possibly even the funniest sketch comedy to ever be shown on Channel Four, aside from Absolutely. The two series run maintained a very high standard throughout, which made it all the more surprising when his two subsequent pilots for the BBC, The Paul Merton Show (BBC Two, 1996) and Does China Exist? (BBC Two, 1997) proved to be on the disappointing side. And nowadays of course, Merton seems to have been replaced by an unfunny doppelganger willing to make jokes about the Daleks' inability to climb stairs on Have I Got News For You. In 2011!

TONY: Luckily, it's that high watermark we're looking at here, courtesy of the entire series being freely available to view on 4OD. The first episode was promoted by Merton wearing a T-shirt that said "TURN OVER AT 11" on Have I Got News For You an hour previous, and a later episode closed with Merton furiously eating a massive bowl of cornflakes, with the punchline being "that was a party political broadcast for the Campaign To Legalise Cannabis" which the studio audience found utterly hilarious but which I still don't get. But which will episode will be sent out to bat today? Over to King Edward VII at the randomiser.

USAVICH: SERIES ONE

PAUL MERTON THE SERIES: SERIES TWO, EPISODE TWO

TONY: Here’s how it’s going to work. Both of the chosen episodes are to be watched SEMI-SIMULTANEOUSLY (the team tried watching both actual-simultaneously, but things soon got hugely confusing). As events in each programme catch the eye of the ‘referee’ at key points of the ‘match’, points can be added – or subtracted – accordingly. If it works out at all, I’ll be astonished quite frankly. If nothing else, it’ll be a huge strain on the creaky old PC in the BrokenTV office. Over to today’s match officials, the BrokenTV crew.

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Love Football (Celebrity Big Brother), Hate Racism (The Racism Of Richard Desmond’s Newspapers) LIVE BLOG

LIVE BLOG GO! Updates at the bottom, refresh for latest.

Hello and welcome to the beginning of/the entirety of BrokenTV's Celebrity Big Brother 2011 coverage. How so? Well, it's kind of like this: despite everything, we still enjoy Celebrity Big Brother when it's done properly. A couple of genuinely interesting characters in there, or at least someone dislikeable who'll soon be given the chance to show everyone what a deluded buffoon they really are (c.f. that bit where George Galloway claimed he's easily the most well-known of the housemates because "one billion Muslims know who *I* am"), and it's worth investing your time in. Some people you may previously have dismissed as no longer relevant get the chance to prove how entertaining they can still be (the excellently grumpy Dirk Benedict and Leo Sayer), while some you might not have been familiar with use their fifteen minutes to show just how spiffingly game they are (Jermaine Jackson, Mutya Buena). Then there who forget they're on telly and end up showing the nation just how horrible they truly are (Danielle Lloyd, Jo O’Meara, Jade Goody and Jack Tweed), and those who end up being as pointlessly ghastly as you'd suspected the second they stepped onto your screen for the first time ("Donny" "Tourette"). It's a right old tin of Inequality Street and no mistake, and that's why it's always been worth at least the occasional gander.

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A Proposal For The Opposite Of Whatever A “Stealth Tax” Is (BBC Four Cutbacks)

The Guardian reports that as part of David Cameron’s ongoing game of Kerplunk with all that makes British society worthwhile Our Great Nation’s clamour towards the return of economic prosperity, the BBC may be forced to strip BBC Four of everything costing more than 17p. This is mainly due to the six-year freeze on the licence fee, itself hampered by the World Service now being funded from the that fee, instead of general taxation.

As you might expect, the Twitterati which we’d like to think we’re a part of (but which we very clearly aren’t) got their hashtags in a huge twist over this, and with good reason considering BBC Four is pretty much the last stronghold of Reithian values within the BBC. By which we mean his “giving the people what they don’t yet realise they want” ethos, rather than that whole “I like the cut of that Hitler chap’s jib” thing.

When we were tiny, we’d often gaze in bewildered wonder at the highbrow  documentaries on Egypt, canals or bronze that BrokenTV’s Dad would sit through on a Sunday evening, wondering if we’d ever be clever enough to appreciate such works as The Ascent of Man, Civilisation or Life On Earth. Despite the fact we’re probably not that clever – the monocle we wear to social events really isn’t fooling anyone – the closest British television has to that now is on BBC Four. That’s not to say modern-day BBC Two isn’t without merit, we’re as enthralled by James May building an actual house out of Lego as anyone, but BBC Four is so damn good at times, it’s almost as if it’s cheating. The other channels spend a fortune trying out hundreds of formats in order to find that right blend for the whole family, while BBC Four give an hour to a documentary on the Black Power Salute in the 1968 Mexico Olympics, and we’re captivated. And if it weren’t for BBC Four, we’d have had to Google the Olympic year where Tommie Smith and John Carlos’ made their historic gesture.

From what we’ve read, the most likely casualties from Mark Thompson’s knowledge cull will be BBC Four’s drama and comedy output. We can’t help but feel that would be the beginning of the end for the channel. Without the additional viewers brought to the channel by the likes of The Thick Of It, QI (series A actually premiered on the channel), Fantabulosa!, Filth: The Mary Whitehouse Story, Micro Men, Hattie, Lennon Naked, Newswipe, Screenwipe, On Expenses, Canoe Man, Thatcher: The Long Road To Finchley, The Road to Coronation Street or the forthcoming Holy Flying Circus, would other programmes on the channel have been brought to the attention of nearly as many viewers? And with the remaining programmes less likely to attract the same viewing figures they currently achieve, how long before the channel is dismissed as an irrelevance by the BBC-hating press, and calls begin for it to be closed completely?

Programmes such as The Curse of Steptoe attracted around 1.6 million viewers, a figure likely to be much higher than that attracted by the forthcoming series of Celebrity Big Brother on Channel 5 – surely that’s something to be protected at all costs? Yes, some of the bigger shows could supposedly debut on BBC Two, but in the modern-day hypercompetitive TV market there’s no room for risk. Could the 21st century model BBC Two really have taken a chance on The Thick Of It being given three pilot episodes? On broadcasting the latest version of The Quatermass Experiment, the first live made-for-television drama to be shown on the BBC in twenty years? On giving Charlie Brooker thirty minutes a week to tear the television industry a new SCART socket? Or even to try out programming that didn’t quite work, such as Robert Newman’s long-awaited return to TV comedy, with The History Of The World Backwards?

We’ve long held the (possibly misguided) notion that BBC Four is the very last outpost of British television where the right people can happily be given a budget and a timeslot, and be told “go off and make something” without being followed by a swarm of middle-managers who prod the talent with sticks while hissing “can we skew younger?”, “can we get Mickey Flanagan in here somewhere, I owe his agent a favour”, or “this play about Shakespeare is all very worthy, but I don’t like Shakespeare. Can it all be about him being shit?” It’s the BBC of the Radiophonic Workshop, of a thirteen-part series being made because of something Barry Took said in the BBC bar, of half-hour sitcoms lasting for thirty-four minutes because that’s how long it needs to be – or as close to that bygone Beeb as it can be in the era of credit-squeezing and logo usage guideline documents.

In short, if BBC Four were a person, it’d be Alessandro Del Piero taking part in an under-12s football match, and it’s time for him to have his bootlaces tied together to give everyone else a chance.

So, what are the alternatives to clipping BBC Four’s wings? People on Twitter seem to have come up with a few ideas, though they don’t really hold up to much scrutiny.

“JUST CLOSE BBC THREE INSTEAD! I DON’T LIKE IT, SO I’M HAPPY FOR IT TO CLOSE.”

A popular opinion, but one we’d have to disagree with. Yes, it’s full of shows called JAMES CORDEN’S WELL GOOD FUCK OFF I’M GINGER AND WAHEY LADS SHAGGING EH SHOW or whatever, and despite making huge amounts of original content most people only watch EastEnders repeats and Family Guy, but there is an audience for it.

One of the reasons we stopped liking Harry Hill quite as much is down to a recent interview on Five Live, he was asked why TV Burp had stopped poking fun at BBC Three’s Freaky Eaters. His reply was along the lines of “it’s awful, that’s why. And I’m paying for it!” Well, sorry to break this to you Harry. The people who watch BBC Three pay their licence fee, too. They’re paying for the things they like, you’re paying for the things you like. Oddly, considering “young people are always moaning, they don’t know how lucky they are!”, we never really hear fans of Spendaholics or Being Human complaining about their licence fee funding coverage of The Chelsea Flower Show or Countryfile, but whenever the Beeb send a team off to Glasto to capture around sixty hours of entertainment for less than the price of two hours drama, it’s as if the ghost of Sir Hugh Greene is personally sneaking into the houses of Daily Mail readers and rifling through their handbags.

“SACK CHRIS MOYLES! THAT’LL PAY FOR A DOZEN BBC FOURSES.”

Much as we dislike Radio One’s self-satisfied money vacuum, millions of people do like him. And his contract is reportedly due to end soon, anyway. Hey, if you wanted Chris Moyles off the radio, you should have watched the eighteen different attempts to make him a TV star in numbers larger than piss-all. By the time he realised he wasn’t suited to it, Nick Grimshaw or someone would be sitting in his DJ chair.

“WAH WAH WAH THE BBC LICENCE FEE IS BAD AND WRONG ANYWAY WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO PAY MONEY TO HAVE COMMUNISM LITERALLY INJECTED INTO MY EYES EVERY NIGHT?”

See this?

That’s you that is, you absolute flapping gibbons. As we’ve said before, for the first time in history you CAN legally watch telly without a TV licence. Buy a plasma or LCD screen that doesn’t have a digital tuner built-in. Connect a PlayStation 3, Xbox 360 or computer to it, and use online services to watch catch-up content from a variety of UK television providers* on it. Hey presto, you don’t own a device capable of receiving a ‘live’ television signal, so you don’t need a TV licence. AND what’s more, the includes anything the BBC have put on iPlayer – if you’re not watching it go out live, you don’t have to pay a penny, and it’s all legal. Us licence fee payers are the ones paying for your entertainment now. And guess what – we don’t resent you for it. Not a bit. Enjoy. Be entertained. We’re not selfish, entitled dicks, you see.

(*Oh, unless you’re including Sky in that. You’ll have to pay BSkyB a fucking fortune to watch their catch-up service online. But hey, enjoy those repeats of To The Manor Born on UK Gold.)

“ONLY IN BRITAIN, EH? WHY SHOULD WE HAVE TO PAY FOR ETC ETC ETC.”

Sigh. It might surprise some people to learn that the BBC isn’t the only state-funded broadcaster in the world. Albania, Austria, Belgium, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Croatia, Czech Republic, Denmark, Finland, France, Germany, Greece, Iceland, Ireland, Italy, Macedonia, Malta, Montenegro, Norway, Poland, Romania, Slovakia, Slovenia, Serbia, Sweden, Switzerland, Turkey, Israel, Japan, Korea, Pakistan, Ghana, Mauritius, Namibia, South Africa and Brazil ALL have broadcasters funded by licence fees. Do you hear many people saying “say what you like about Slovenia, their nature documentaries are the best in the world”? NO.

Meanwhile, in Australia, the Flemish region of Belgium, Cyprus, Gibraltar, Hungary, India, Malaysia, Netherlands, New Zealand, Portugal and Singapore state-funded broadcasters are paid for from general taxation. Too poor to own a telly in India? Tough, you’re still paying for the programmes.

OKAY, SMARTY BOLLOCKS – WHAT ARE YOU PROPOSING?

Well, the opposite of what the “waaaah stealth tax! Stealth tax!” whingers who probably cried that bit more as a baby because mummy’s breast milk didn’t taste like Twining's tea want. In what is supposed to be a democracy, and where people complain that you’re not allowed to have the choice of paying the television licence fee or not, we’re saying: we should have the choice to pay more for our licence fee if we want to. We’re told that the licence fee has been frozen for six years to ‘help’ us all in this tough economic climate. Fine, but why shouldn’t we have the option of paying more to help keep the BBC the way we like it?

The licence fee as it stands is £145.50 per household per year, with that price frozen solid until 2016. Why not just make that the minimum mandatory licence fee? Watch a lot of BBC shows? Love BBC Radio? Is the BBC website your homepage? Well, why not decide to pay the corporation a total of £165.50 per year? You won’t get anything special for that extra donation. You won’t be more likely to have your flailing arm picked out of the audience on Question Time to grill the Shadow Energy Secretary. You won’t be more likely to have your missive read out on Points Of View. You won’t get to guest host Have I Got News For You. You’ll be doing it because you believe in rewarding someone for the good job they do. After all, what could be more British than that? Sure, there’ll be stuff put out there in the name of the BBC that you personally don’t like, hundreds upon hundreds of hours of it, but that’s because the BBC is for everyone, and everyone deserves the best BBC they can get.

Don’t want to pay an extra penny? Like to mutter into your cocoa about how “they’ll” probably replace Songs Of Praise with “Lee Nelson’s Well God Show” the second your back is turned? Well, then don’t. Pay your minimum, carry on kidding yourself that having a strong BBC doesn’t help other broadcasters do the good things they do – would ITV still keep letting John Pilger make shows such as the powerful The War You Don’t See if they weren’t playing catch-up with the Beeb, for instance?

It needn’t stop there. How about the licence fee reminder letters including a form that allows you to allocate your extra contribution to the areas you’d most like to see receive it?

We’ll pay more than our fair share if and where we can, and maybe, just maybe, we’ll keep BBC Four, and the rest of the BBC, every bit as good as it is now.

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