Celebrity Big Brother 2007. In Numbers. Part One.

  • 1/03/2007 09:30:00 pm
  • By Mark Gibbings-Jones

Even though we can't stand 'normal' Big Brother, what with it basically being an audition for screeching idiots who want to present a soon-forgotten show on E4, we can't help but get drawn into the celebrity version of it. In CBB, the participants don't need to make as much of a scene of themselves, because once they walk out of the house, they're happy enough to get back to their luxurious Sydney apartment/Kensington flat/panto in Morecambe, having received a fifteen minutes of fame more than they'd previously budgeted. The 'normal' Big Brother contestants are for the most part there as an attempt to kick-start a career of getting mentioned in Heat and maybe getting to shag a thick footballer. The celeb contestants are just happy to get on a popular television show one last time, and anything after that would be a bonus. So, we can enjoy it more.

Plus, of course, it gives us something to talk to girls about, without us having to hope they like football, Ridge Racer or Tatu.

But how to quantify our emjoyment of Celeb Big Brother without sounding like a bunch of big girls? Follow each sentence cooing over a bitching session by a former model with a discussion about rugby? Place an ironic winking smiley at the end of every paragraph? No. The answer is this: graphs.

First, for our regular viewers who might not know/care who has gone onto the Ceeb house (Yes, we said Ceeb. It'll catch on), here's a quick rundown:

Jermaine Jackson (Member of global chart-toppers The Jackson Five)

Ken Russell (Director critically acclaimed movies and Lair Of The White Worm)

Danielle Lloyd (someone who is married to a West Ham player)

Jo O'Meara (From out of S Club 7)

Leo Sayer (Performing artist who has had top 40 hits in each of the last four decades, and who fell off a treadmill on the pilot episode of Families At War)

Shilpa Shetty (Bollywood star)

Carole Malone (Tabloid columnist)

Donny Tourette (Either a shit new Paul Kaye character, or in an actual rock band, we're not sure)

Ian "H from Steps" Watkins (H from Steps)

Cleo Rocos (From The Kenny Everett Television Show and, of course, Genghis Cabs)

Dirk Benedict (The Faceman)

"But most of them aren't even celebrities", you may well be pshaw-ing at this point. What a clever observational comedian you are. But, just in case they don't make them all stand in order from 'most' to 'least' famous on podiums again this year, who is the most famous? As ever, science has the answer.

As each celebrity was announced, BrokenTV's crack squad of internet ninjas were hammering away at keyboards, checking out the size of each celebrity's Wikipedia entry. Once they'd worked out how to spell their names. Alarmingly, in the ten seconds it had taken them to find the entry for most of the housemates, someone, somewhere in the country had already added details on that personality entering the Big Brother house. This section of data has been discounted, leading to the following fame-o-graph:

A surprise? Well, the main one for us is that Cleo Rocos hadn't got a Wikipedia entry at all, as she's been around on telly for twenty-odd years (she did about three minutes after she entered the house, of course), and cropped up in quite a few things. It's quite clear from the gap between fifth and sixth who the 'proper' celebrities are, but like a dog in Pulp Fiction, personality goes a long way. This is why Jo O'Meara (the one who'd taken our team of wikininjas the longest to find) is the current Betfair favourite, and the most famous person in the house, as proven by science, is stuttering along at 22/1. Still, we're backing science, by plonking ten of the Queen's finest British pounds on Shilpa, hoping that the UKs large Indian community will help steer her to victory (or at least let her price drop, so we can claw some money back).

(Further odds that should be on Betfair, along with what we'd give)

Odds on Ken Russell doing a Roger Cook, and being taken out of the Big Brother house on a stretcher at 1.30am on the second night: 4/1. We really hope not, of course, but, y'know.

Odds on Donny Tourette being voted out first, then claiming he was doing it all ironically anyway, so it doesn't matter that everyone in the UK thinks he's a cunt: 8/15.

More CBB gubbins soon! (Unless we get bored, because this doesn't look as promising as last year.)

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