Celebrity Big Brother In Numbers: Part Three

  • 1/20/2007 06:55:00 am
  • By Mark Gibbings-Jones

Celebrity Big Brother, eh? Even if you're one of those crushing bores who like to loudly tell everyone within earshot that they've never bothered watching it, because it's ridiculously vapid and tedious, you know (how do they know that if they've never watched it?), you can't help but have heard about the main story making actual proper global headlines. For the benefit of any readers who have only come out of a year-long coma within the last hour, here's what they've all been talking about: "How are the assembled peoples of the CBB house faring in BrokenTV's Celebrity Big Brother Fame-O-Meter after seventeen days in and around the CBB house?"

Well, we've had our crack team of ninja Excel monkeys hammering away at their keyboards for almost ten minutes, and can now gladly reveal their findings TO THE NATION. Apart from the 18% of it who seem to be pro-bullying, pro-racism, or both (ONLY JOKING).

The outlines in white are the standings from the previous round of numberfumbling, reflecting just how well the housemates have done at getting strangers on the internet typing in complete gibberish about them [citation needed] since their arrival in the house. Pop Fact One! Monosyllabic berk and pretend football agent Jack not only hasn't got a Wikipedia page about him, there isn't even a 'create page for this person' link for him. Pop Fact Two! Jackieieieiey's page is already pending deletion at the behest of the Wikimods, which probably says something about something.

So, interested in taking a look at a ranked chart of exactly whose Wikipedia word count has grown by the most? Of course you are. So here we go:

As you can see, Bollywood star (and lady who BrokenTV's Mark X claims is going to be the future Mrs X, in much the same manner Sven-Göran Eriksson claims he's going to be next Chelsea manager) Shilpa tops the list, closely followed by the Lidl Sid Vicious. Credit is also due to now-slightly-less-lovely-than-we'd-thought-a-week-ago Cleo, who has climbed from having no Wikipedia profile at all, to attaining the third-largest wordspurt. At the other end of the scale, one-time 20% of the Jackson Five and all round good egg Jermaine Jackson shuffles along in last place, ahead of Tabloid Carole and Swearing's Leo Sayer, which is a shame, because we've really taken to JJ during the whole recent unpleasantness.

Can we squeeze another graph out of all this? You bet:

Yes. Measuring the figures by increased percentages of verbosity, the Aldi Iggy Pop takes the honours with a remarkable 622% growth since day zero of the CBB house, although it should be noted that with an original Wiki total of, well, nothing, Cleo has technically won this category with her increase of infinity%, except Excel doesn't really like plotting that sort of thing, so we've discounted her from the chart. Leo, Korpulent Ken and Jermaine stutter along in the relegation places.

Meanwhile, two thoughts about events of the last 48 hours:

THOUGHT ONE: We’ve only just watched the eviction show (and only the first of the two), but we reckon Jade came out of it about as well as she could. Internet chatter suggesting she was faking her reaction once the penny dropped, but we don’t think she’s that good an actress, she seemed quite genuine. Channel Four are more at blame for not taking their course of action much earlier. And clearly, she wasn’t racist in the first place, but being a pretty horrible proud-to-be-fick bully isn’t much better. It would have been nice if she’d had the gumption to realise how she was coming across to the viewing public, or preferably not acted in that way in the first place, if Shilpa was more than happy to forgive and forget, everyone else really should too. And the duplicitous Danielle is much worse, anyway.

THOUGHT TWO: Nice of Channel Four to state that Jack didn’t call Shilpa a four-letter racist slang term (there are some words we don’t want appearing in our search keywords list, thanks), and that he’d only called her a c-word. Call us old-fashioned, but calling a perfectly friendly, well-mannered, polite and all-round nice woman that word is one of the few things in society that still offends us, so it’s hardly an improvement. nb. This only doesn’t apply if you’re playing a character called Hank Kingsley in an episode of The Larry Sanders Show, but in every other instance we’re prepared to demand pistols at dawn.

BrokenTV's prediction for the final week of CBB: Jack to whimper like a lost puppy for two days then scarper, Shilpa to suddenly get no votes for the next round of nominations but mainly because they've all guessed what's going on and not because she's ace and lovely, and the viewing figures to tail off dramatically as the housemates become suddenly reticent to say or do anything in any way controversial. And Dirk to win.

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