England are out! BrokenTV's World Cup Special Grief-O-Meter

  • 7/01/2006 10:32:00 pm
  • By Mark Gibbings-Jones

BBC's "Oh noes! England are out! Here's a retrospective of how they did" compilation is a really well-crafted piece of footage, featuring a splendid soundtrack of 'Numb' by the Pet Shop Boys. Gary didn't even make a weak joke leading into it, and Ian Wright was pretty quiet in the post-match postmortem (by his standards). A victory of sorts, then.
+50 points.

ITV's version of the same, already on a hiding to nothing because they've tacked it onto the end of the France-Brazil match, is a slapdash affair featuring a predictable choice of Hurt by Johnny Cash. Fantastic song, yes, but a bit bloody obvious. We suppose we ought to be thankful they didn't use one of Kasabian's slower tunes. Even more points subtracted for still being rubbish, despite having an extra three hours to put theirs together than the BBC, who needed to have theirs ready just minutes after the final whistle. Yet more points subtracted for banging on about England (hopefully for the last time, unless they interrupt coverage of the semis for live shots of England's flight home landing) when the much larger surprise of Brazil being knocked out at the same stage had just happened.
-10 points.

We couldn't bear to watch, obviously. We expect they threw some darts at a photo of Christiano Ronaldo and complained about a global refereeing conspiracy. Although as we've no proof of this (we know we could watch the replay, but we'd rather die), we can't deduct any points.
+0 points. Bah.

As for the match itself, we're surprised to say that we were disappointed to see England lose. We'd not have been too bothered to have seen the insipid bores crash out before today, but BrokenTV is a highly principled blog that will take insipid bores over cheating curs almost every time. Next time we get caught speeding, we're going to complain to the police that we weren't ready for that speed camera reading, and please can we drive past it again.

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