New Landmark in UK Stupid Levels

  • 6/25/2007 06:28:00 am
  • By Mark Gibbings-Jones

In an episode of her not-bad-by-BBC-Three-sketch-show-standards skit outlet Karen Taylor pokes fun at contestants dim enough to plough their child benefit into premium rate quiz channels (this quite possibly happens in every episode, we’ve only seen one of them). All very well and good, but new shocking evidence uncovered by BrokenTV (well, we’ve watched a few episodes of South Park on MTV where we didn’t skip the adverts) shows the truth to be far worse than anyone could possibly have imagined.

“Grab your mobile and take our baby name test now. Text ‘baby’ to [number] and we’ll send you the perfect name for your baby, whether you’re expecting, or just planning ahead. Simply text ‘baby’ to {number]. Want to find out your future husband’s initial? Text ‘hub’ to [number] and we’ll send you the initial of your future husband. Perhaps you’ll be able to figure out who the lucky man is. Simply text ‘hub’ to [number]. Subscribe to our texts now, and for just £1.50 you’ll receive your latest results each week.”

That’s right. For just £1.50 per week until the end of time, an automated computer system will send you a random child’s name that you could possibly use for your very own baby, were you to spawn one. And better yet, for just an additional £1.50 per week, you can have a single letter of the alphabet sent direct to your phone. That you could pretend is the first letter of the name of someone you’ll get to marry years from now. Which changes every week. If you keep subscribed to the service for six months, you’ll have the entire alphabet covered, which means the system will definitely work.

The second most depressing part of all this, as far as we can see, is that this ‘service’ is proving so popular the company behind it is able to afford Crazy Frog levels of ad break saturation, and still make a massive profit. We strongly suspect this is due to the sort of people monumentally idiotic enough to unwittingly subscribe to the service are completely incapable of being able to follow the simple instructions for unsubscribing. Hell, we’re astonished they can manage to use their phone in the first place without losing an eye somehow.

The most depressing aspect of all this is much worse, however. We’re almost frightened by the fact that the company behind the entire scam are actively encouraging their target market to reproduce, presumably once they’ve found a potent idiot with a name matching the letter of the alphabet they’ve been sent this week. And while that might be bad news for the theory of evolution, it’s good news for Sunny Delight shareholders and people who sell baseball caps.

Just in case you use this system to find out the initial of your future husband and it doesn’t work, you can contact the people responsible at – but don’t just bombard them with complaints or use the address on download websites like realplayer that require an email address for them to send spam to, because that would be wrong.

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