BrokenBrother: "The upholstery is smouldering gently"

  • 6/07/2007 06:41:00 pm
  • By Mark Gibbings-Jones

From Monty Python's Flying Circus episode 28:

(Sound of an explosion out of vision. Cut to reveal Mrs Nigger-Baiter's chair charred and smoking. Mrs Nigger-Baiter is no longer there. The upholstery is smouldering gently.)

Mrs Shazam: Oh, Mrs Nigger-Baiter's exploded.

Son: Good thing, too.

Mrs Shazam: She was my best friend.

Son: Oh, mother, don't be so Sentimental. Things explode every day.

Mrs Shazam: Yes, I suppose so. Anyway, I didn't really like her that much.

Hey boys and girls, can you count all of the stupid mistakes we made in the last update?

"We've noticed that there doesn't even seem to be an Official Big Brother I-Thought-Scousers-Come-From-Newcastle standard Thicko this time, almost definitely so there's less risk of overt racism."

"Lovely Emily is hopping along in at 30, so we've plonked a fiver on her"

"We can always lay the bet once her odds drop AS THEY SURELY WILL."
Pof. As well as everything else, we'd like to state we hadn't seem them doing the 'rank themselves in order of' task before placing that bet. And we'd wondered why the odds were so good. "I'm definitely in the top four of attractiveness", indeed. Of course, it's quite obvious that Emily isn't a massive racist, but really quite staggeringly thick. Of course, anyone who feels the need to introduce themselves to the nation by stating how intelligent they are before they say anything else, very probably isn't.

Of course, today's events have had quite an effect on our slightly tweaked Fame-o-meter. Slightly tweaked because having 'citation needed' as a bonus multiplier wasn't really worthwhile, so we've adapted it to account for the number of times each person has been Googled and found BrokenTV. A bonus of 2% added to their score for each search, limited to a maximum of 20%. That's good news for Charley, because of what we're inadvertently top-Google-ranked for (can't think why), along with Shabnam and the twins (we've given 50% of the bonus points for joint searches to each twin, who now merit their very own bar on the chart).

We're a day behind the highlights shows at the moment, because of a power cut last night, so our current favourite is Laura for displaying a little bit of quiet dignity, with Charley still in the relegation places. It's quite possible Emily would be bottom, but The Big BrokenTV Big Brother Rulebook states that only current bungalowmates are eligible for those positions. This gives us the following scores.

Name Total
Amanda Merchant 39.90
Carole Vincent 78.00
Chanelle Hayes 36.00
Charley Uchea 100.80
Emily Parr 136.08
Laura Williams 43.20
Lesley Brain 58.00
Nicky Maxwell 57.00
Sam Merchant 39.90
Shabnam Paryani 62.40
Tracey Barnard 40.00
Zac "Ziggy" Lichman 115.00

But what does that look like in barchart form? In super 3D? This:

Woo, eh?


It's the DVD boxset we really, really want.

All 692 episodes. 174 discs. Plus, a signed photo of Val "Bea Smith" Lehman. Yours for just £702.68 (not including shipping from Australia). Cripes.

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