BrokenTV's Infuriatingly Lacklustre Olympic Finale

  • 8/24/2008 11:57:00 pm
  • By Mark Gibbings-Jones

And so it ends. As China, a land where practising Christians may well end up being tortured for their beliefs, hands over the Olympic flag to London's unkempt mayor, we can't help but feel a little bit cheated. We will admit to a little chuckle amongst ourselves at the nine-minute Tribute To Britain segment of the closing ceremony including a throwaway reference to The Ministry Of Silly Walks, but there are several aspects of Modern Britain that the 2012 Committee really should have included on that collapsing bus:

  • A wry Radio 4 panel show involving Jeremy Hardy

  • A gaggle of teenagers texting furiously

  • A frothing right-wing columnist (or if wet, Tony Parsons desperately trying to shock readers of the Daily Mirror) moaning about the proportion of non-white faces representing Britain in the handover ceremony, and how the white people present were probably only there because they were gays

  • A supermarket offer of car-mounted Union Flags on sale at £1.29, or two for £1.89

  • A quartet of dancers dressed in outfits representing a BBC Two season on farming

  • Instead of some dancers with brolleys and a footballer, thirty men in England football shirts throwing plastic chairs coloured red, white and blue into the Beijing crowd

  • Eighteen overweight men in M&S suits from Hampshire doing the David Brent 'dance'

  • A British stand-up comedian using the word 'fuck' in lieu of an actual joke, in front of a backdrop consisting of a gigantic ceremonial non-transferable pay-and-display ticket

Hopefully they're saving all that for the actual opening ceremony in 2012. In the meantime, here's the final rundown of our special medals table, based on the premise of medals, divided by population, marked according to a score of 800,000 per gold, 400,000 per silver and 200,000 per bronze. In case you're playing at home, we are more than prepared to show our workings.

So, Jamaica have performed exceptionally well whilst containing fewer residents than the nations of Moldova, the Congo, Liberia, Somalila, Lithuania, Panama, Uruguay, Albania, Mauritania, Armenia or Kuwait. However, if you modify the table to record only nations of more than twenty million (henceforth referred to as 'proper countries'), then Great Britain lies second in the notional table, with only Australia ahead of us. And given how they all secretly wish they were still part of the Empire, in a way, we've 'won'.

Yay us! Roll on 2012!

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