World Cup Things Galore: Part Two

Crikey, update frenzy.

More YouTubed clips, this time of three World Cup themed adverts shown (as far as we know) in these full-length versions just the once.

First, here's the full version of the Carlsberg Old English Internationals Wander About On A Pitch For Cash advert. Especially notable, as we think it's the only non-shite advert we've seen from the long-running "Carlsberg don't do [whatever], but if they did, we'd be dead good at it and that". Maybe you should, because your lager is horrible. "Oooh! Fute-ball legends!" Piss off.

Nextly, here's the full-length kareoke version of Honda's gorgeous The Impossible Dream advert, which doesn't really have much to do with football at all, save for a gratuitous flag shot at the end. Wonder if they did the same for any other countries.

Last, here's that Lynx advert, Billions. We're not sure why we capped it, as Lynx adverts generally annoy us (look, it's bad enough having to put up with thousands of girls in their underwear throwing themselves at us as we go about our everyday lives, we don't need to see it mirrored in TV ads all the time). We're sure they work very well on their dim Nuts-reading demographic. Here it is anyway. Even though it's got nothing to do with football.

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World Cup Things Galore: Part One

Welp, to celebrate the forthcoming Italy vs France (ahem) World Cup Final, here's a quick scan of a page from the TVTimes, circa 1978, and their meeting in the first group stage of the '78 World Cup. Why? Well, mainly because we've bought two issues of TVTimes dating from the 1978 World Cup from eBay. And hey, why not?

Now, we don't know about you, but we'd walk around Moss Side in a Portugal shirt to see that edition of Soccer Celebrity Squares. Bob Monkhouse, Bill Shankly and Kenny Everett - together at last!

Any other requests for scans from these issues, leave a comment. We're not doing it if no-one wants them - stupid Independent Television Publications Ltd, you'd think they'd have known I was only going to have an A4 scanner 28 years into the future and didn't want to Photochop lots of scanned bits into a readable page.

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Get Your Semi On (1)

In order to check every leak in the UK's World Cup broadcast pipe, BrokenTV (note to selves, think up a better metaphor for the previous statement), we've been listening to FiveLive's commentary of the Germany-Italy semi-final. Oh, alright. Due to accidentally agreeing to spend the duration of the Germany-Italy semi-final stuck in an office deep in the heart of a soulless building in a characterless business park, we're listening to the radio, grasping our cherished "Germany to win the World Cup: 11/1" betting slip. And panicking when the commentator starts shouting about a chance on goal for either team, because our concentation has lapsed and we're not sure which team he's on about until he calms down a bit because they'd spooned it over anyway.

- Mike Ingham referring to "the commentary team from the most densely populated country in the world, China, has the most densely populated commentary box. They're sitting on each others' laps!" This is the sort of thing Motty and Comedy Mark should be referring to.+2 points

- Chris Waddle has just called Torsten Frings "a big, big miss". Bet he wouldn't say that to his face. That reminds us, we're going to deduct points every time he says 'pelanty'.-2 points (suspended)

- That said, hopefully, we'll finally be at home by the time it goes to 'pelanties'. Blimey, Alan Green is rubbish (not an observation we've just arrived at, but this is our first opportunity to air it). Alan, if being at these football matches seems to piss you off so much, can we go in your place? You can just stay at home and complain about foreign footballers.-2 points

- Chris Waddle has just compared someone-or-other to Anne Robinson (possibly German Chancellor Angela Merkel, although we don't see it ourselves. If pressed on the matter, we'd say she looks like what we'd imagine Madge off of Neighbours' sister maybe looks like. Going off her photo on Wikipedia, anyway). Wish our DAB radio had a rewind function on it.BrokenTV: -1 point.

Gah. A latter day Schumacher-Battiston decapitation attempt from Lehmann, by the sounds of it. Wish we were sat in front of a television set right now. Even if it was tuned to ITV.ITV's decision not to stream their World Cup coverage over their website, the rubbish gits: -3 points

The fact this is about to go to extra time, which means we might be able to get home for the end of it, although we'll need to listen to the utterly rubbish medium-wave FiveLive signal on the car radio. Bloody medium wave. On FM: room for dozens of shitty local radio stations all playing the exact same constant diet of Bon Jovi, Texas and inane items stolen from the Radio One of six years ago, no room for the one station everyone in the country really wants to listen to at the moment. Gits.Radio Licence Authority: -15 points

Right, just time to quickly post this, before we dash off like a fool in time to catch the second period...

[22:30 Update]

Oh well, there goes that potential £60. From what we actually saw (all 17 minutes of it), it looks like a cracking match, so we're not quite sure why Alan Green sounded so grumpy about it. No, wait... because he's Alan Green? That'd be it. Nice of ITV to kick us all into an ad break about twenty seconds into the post-match celebration. Now, come on France (hey, we're not so daft as to not put a covering bet on another team once the odds plummet on the one we've backed. It's like taking the Deal from The Banker with four boxes left).

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BrokenTV's World Cup Final Countdown: T-4 days and counting

i.e. we've lost count of how many days since the start, so we're working backwards from the epic Germany 5 France 3 (just you wait) final.

Seeing as we've had dozens of emails asking about the BBC's England Are Out compilation featuring the majestic sound of Numb by the mighty Pet Shop Boys (well, technically, we've had no emails about it, but we're sure that's just because we haven't published our email address on the blog), we've decided to upload it to YouTube. And then noticed someone else had done it anyway. But still. And our version is carefully edited to erase all but the briefest of flashes of Lineker's face, and that's only there because they were slow fading in to the compilation.

Here it is!

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More Platters From The YouTube Meat Trolley

Chicks on Speed - Glamour Girl

Excellent disco-pop from the greatest German all-female electroclash band ever to write a song about Coventry.

Robots in Disguise - Turn It Up

This looks like a typical YouTube 'some schoolgirls messing about to the sound of a song' offering, but we reckon it'd make a perfectly good proper pop promo. It might even be the proper promo. Hey, if Feeder can get away with it. Ace song, too.

Justice vs. Simian - We Are Your Friends


One of the best songs of the year? The best remix job on a track since Brimful of Asha? Very possibly.

Tatu - How Soon Is Now

Better than the original? Despite what everyone else in the world might think, yes. Look, we're determinded to keep mentioning Tatu here until the wonderful album Dangerous and Moving is in the top ten. Buy it. We know the only single anyone has heard from it was the rubbish All About Us, but buy it anyway.

Sonic Youth - Kool Thing

One of the best things, ever.

Le Tigre - TKO

Sole redeeming feature from the slightly disappointing This Island album, this is three minute fem-pop perfection. So catchy, every time we notice a three-letter abbreviation anywhere, we tend to sing it in our heads along to this tune. Yeah, we know.

Annie - Chewing Gum

Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh. Sing along! One of the Good! things we'd forgot to mention about the Annually Retentive teaser ad was that the soundtrack was this very song. And here it is, along with it's slightly headache inducing video.

Annie - Heartbeat

Which, incredibly, we now like even more than 'Chewing Gum'. If you'd told the 2004 us that, we'd have thought you mad.

Bran Van 3000 - Couch Surfer

A great band, unjustly filed under One Hit Wonder. A pity there's no video for the mighty Love Cliche, as Grand Royal went bust just before it was due to be released. Pop fact! 'Glee' is one of the best albums ever created by Canadians, but the only time we'd ever heard a track from it on the radio that wasn't Drinkin' in LA, it was their ace cover of Cum On Feel The Noize, and that was only because we'd got Andrew Collings to play it. And then lots of Slade fans phoned in to moan about it. It did mean we'd unwittingly got a song with the word 'motherfucker' in it played in full on daytime BBC Radio, though.

Bobby Conn - Never Get Ahead

Cravats should always be worn with adidas tracksuits. Always.

Emergency Broadcast Network - Comply

Take that, The Man!

Mono Puff - The Devil Went Down To Newport

Saving the best for last, here's John TMBG Flansburgh's side-project, Mono Puff, performing their (only) single. And, quite obviously unless you're some sort of idiot, it's excellent. Although possibly the refrain of "Go, go, Satan, go!" didn't do much for the chances of getting lots of airplay. The song, if you're too lazy to click on the link to listen to it, is a totally rocking tune about Jesus and Be'elzebub taking part in a surfing contest. Which is why you really should click on that link, and listen to it.

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England are out! BrokenTV's World Cup Special Grief-O-Meter

BBC One
BBC's "Oh noes! England are out! Here's a retrospective of how they did" compilation is a really well-crafted piece of footage, featuring a splendid soundtrack of 'Numb' by the Pet Shop Boys. Gary didn't even make a weak joke leading into it, and Ian Wright was pretty quiet in the post-match postmortem (by his standards). A victory of sorts, then.
+50 points.

ITV
ITV's version of the same, already on a hiding to nothing because they've tacked it onto the end of the France-Brazil match, is a slapdash affair featuring a predictable choice of Hurt by Johnny Cash. Fantastic song, yes, but a bit bloody obvious. We suppose we ought to be thankful they didn't use one of Kasabian's slower tunes. Even more points subtracted for still being rubbish, despite having an extra three hours to put theirs together than the BBC, who needed to have theirs ready just minutes after the final whistle. Yet more points subtracted for banging on about England (hopefully for the last time, unless they interrupt coverage of the semis for live shots of England's flight home landing) when the much larger surprise of Brazil being knocked out at the same stage had just happened.
-10 points.

UKG2
We couldn't bear to watch, obviously. We expect they threw some darts at a photo of Christiano Ronaldo and complained about a global refereeing conspiracy. Although as we've no proof of this (we know we could watch the replay, but we'd rather die), we can't deduct any points.
+0 points. Bah.

As for the match itself, we're surprised to say that we were disappointed to see England lose. We'd not have been too bothered to have seen the insipid bores crash out before today, but BrokenTV is a highly principled blog that will take insipid bores over cheating curs almost every time. Next time we get caught speeding, we're going to complain to the police that we weren't ready for that speed camera reading, and please can we drive past it again.

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BrokenTV makes it's feelings known about the teaser ad for Rob Brydon's Annually Retentive

"Oh no! Another attempt to 'be' Larry Sanders!"

Good!

It tears asunder the weakness of the formulaic 'comedy' panel show format, by mercilessly lampooning it!

Bad!

Much of the show is likely to be nothing more than a formulaic 'comedy' panel show, but with sarcastic cutaways every few minutes.

Good!

Rob Brydon! He's a very much underrated comedy actor, and great at improvisation!

Bad!

The supporting cast is likely to feature the self-same mix of z-list celebs that make up your average weak comedy panel show panel. We sense the likes of Paul Ross and Colin Murray. Brr.

Good!

But: Rob Brydon! He even made an ITV comedy programme that managed to be (a) innovative, and (b) not shit! "Ooh, that's a two-shot, aaaaand... there's a three! Well done, me!"

Bad!

Stupidly, there clearly isn't going to be another series of Director's Commentary, despite it costing about 7p to make, and despite it's aforementioned non-shitness.

Good!

It'll be on BBC Three, which means one less outing for episodes of Two Pints Of Lager..., repeats of Two Pints Of Lager..., Two Pints Of Lager... Outtakes, Grown-Ups, Grown-Ups Outtakes, repeats of Grown-Ups Outtakes, Nighty Night, Nighty Night Outtakes, Titty Bang Bang Outtakes (repeat until earth explodes)

Bad!

Unless it gets EastEnders-repeat-showing audience figures, they'll be scared to show on BBC Two, meaning no-one will get to see it.

Good!

About eight seconds worth of television has compelled BrokenTV to write it's first TV-related update for about a month!

Bad!

It's a bit of a rubbish update, based as it is on about eight seconds worth of television. And why does BrokenTV keep promising to do features on things, then never deliver, naming no compelling Indian World Cup update shows in particular.

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A Post That Isn't About Football

Because really, how many more ways can we think of to say "Lawrenson isn't as funny as he thinks he is"? So, to mark the first day of the World Cup where there's no football on, it's time for...

The BrokenTV Hit Parade

[BrokenTV thinks about donning a comedy Jimmy Saville wig and shiny tracksuit, then comes to what remains of it's senses.]

Hello. Here are some things we've foraged from YouTube:

Metric - Monster Hospital


Discovered this track about a week ago, bought the album the next day, and listened to it pretty much non-stop since then. As a special bonus, the YouTube version includes the three seconds MTV2 felt compelled to flash up a big 'CENSORED' blocker to replace. Can you guess which bit MTV2 decided their 2am viewing audience wouldn't be able to handle?

The Go-Gos - Stuck In My Car


The 'Gos finest three minutes, with an unofficial promo video. Because, in a move that has surely nudged civilisation one notch closer to eternal fiery damnation, there wasn't a proper one, as it wasn't even a single.

April March - Up Above


Of all the former Ren and Stimpy animators to turn their hand to gorgeous faux-French, faux-60s dream pop, we'd have to say April March is possibly the best of the lot. Bonus points for having previously been in a band called The Shitbirds. And she sang 'Don't Whiz On The Electric Fence', too.

Camera Obscura - Lloyd, I'm Ready To Be Heartbroken


Given the joyful wonderfulness of the song, and the quite startlingly bored performance of the person singing it in the video, we're tempted to suggest that they've brought in a supply singer at the last minute. Hmm.

KMFDM - A Drug Against War


Celebrate Germany's World Cup by listening to their finest purveyors of RAWK. Can anyone here remember the name of the rubbish late-90's PC FPS based on the artwork for this very music video? Because we can't. Pop fact! We remember this video being shown, in full and uncut, on MTV's 120 Minutes, at about 7pm on a Sunday. That just would never happen nowadays on so many levels.

Fuzzbox - Pink Sunshine


Oh, shut up. This is great. And no, they were better when they became a pop band.

Naivepop or Petitfool - BicycleRace (Plus Tech Squeeze Box Remix)


Another fan-made video, and because this is the internet, it is made up from clips of various animes. Which would be dull and predictible, but at least it's for a song by a Japanese band. Especially when it's a Japanese band who have an album quite excellently called "1, 2, 3, Darts!!!". All the best blog writers are using it as their avatar, you know.

Stereo Total - L'amour a Trois


We don't speak French (we thought we did, but trying to order something in a service station somewhere near Marseille one time soon disproved that), but even we can work out that the lyrics to this song are absolute filth. Plus, there's an English language translation on the album. And speaking as a blog that is perpetually two people short of having a threesome, this is all very exciting.

Jason Lyttle of Grandaddy - Jeez Louise (Live)


They're back. And they're as ace as ever (we're saying Fambly Cat is better than Sumday). Here's a live performance of the best track from the album, presented in here in a manner as far removed from the awesomely loud original as possible, but no less great all the same.

Vive La Fête - Noir Désir


Lovely noisy French pop music. Imagine how much we'd like it if we knew what on earth they were singing about, eh? At one point, we think she's singing 'Le soir, Tom Petty', but we're probably wrong. Note: this song includes the best screaming in a pop song ever.

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BrokenTV's World Cup: Day Fifteen microupdate

Ian Wright, Leonardo and Adrian Chiles investigate the controversy of the new World Cup ball design by having a game of Wembley. Aces.
BBC + 4 points

Martin O'Neill waxing lyrical about his jealousy for Leonardo. "He isn't the sort of boy you'd be wanting to walk into a disco with." Best pundit of the World Cup? We think so.
BBC +2 points

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BrokenTV's World Cup: Day Fourteen

From England-Sweden, just after Owen crawls off, delivered in a mocking tone over a shot of Theo Walcott: "That's England's other striker. He's got a provisional driving licence." So? Do you need an HGV licence before you can play international football or something?
ITV - 1 point

From same: "That was an agricultural clearance from Campbell." Who needs Big Ron? Speaking of whom, we'd noticed a story in the Daily Mirror, claiming that racism's Big Ron had been reduced to filing match reports on his website, as no one else wanted him, and at the time of going to press it had only recieved 37 visits. Well, no - he has been co-commentating on UKG2. To a total viewing audience of... 36 people. (©2006 J Carr Blindingly Obvious Jokes plc.)
ITV + 2 points

ITV's post-match interviewer not shouting "you're on television, man! For Christ's sake, bother to take your other stupid sodding iPod earphone out when I'm talking to you, you self-obsessed twerp!" at Rio Ferdinand.
ITV - 1 point

ITV claiming that they've had 'lots of emails' asking about their theme tune, performed by 'British band Kasabian'. Only asking why it's so shit, surely? Then imploring viewers to text in to a number, where they'll be told how to get hold of said weak cover as a 'digital download'. For money, no doubt. What with this sort of thing and the whole existance of ITV Play, we're giving it a year before ITV start putting up eBay listings for "BUY AN 60GB VIDEO IPOD FOR £10!!!!!1 APPLE IRIVER MP3".
ITV - 3 points

ITV not bothering to show any highlights of the other match taking place simultaneously, at half-time of the last group matches. Because who'd want to see the three goals and the sending off from the first half of Serbia-Montenegro vs Ivory Coast match, when they could be hearing in-depth analysis of Wayne Rooney's frame of mind when he threw his boots on the ground?
ITV - 4 points

Through watching the Netherlands vs Argentina snorefest at the home of a hard-of-hearing relative, it seems the ITV subtitles include a translation of each national anthem. We like the way Argentina's includes the word 'cheers' so often.
ITV + 2 points

Checking this out at home on the BBC for the Czech-Italy match, the Beeb's subtitlers are restricted to 'ITALIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM'.
BBC - 2 points

The main coverage on BBC One cutting to goals in the other match as they happen, then showing the last few minutes of the Ghana-USA match live, as the Italy-Czech match had finished first. Do you see, ITV? That's what you're meant to do. *Rubs ITV's nose in it's own coverage*
BBC + 3 points

The BBC forgetting to put the sound feed from Italy-Czech Republic back up after flipping to the Ghana-USA match's pre-half time penalty. Oops.
BBC - 1 point

[addendum 22:30]

Having the same build up to the Brazil-Japan and Australia-Croatia matches on both BBCs One and Three. Good, as it'll be worth flicking between both games, so we'd prefer to see the build up to both. DO YOU SEE, ITV?
BBC +2 points

UKG2 picking Australia vs Croatia as their live game. A good move - BBC One are showing the Brazil game, and after all, it's Australia vs Croatia is the one that matters more.
UKG2 +2 points

Of course, no-one will actually be watching UKG2 - the Australia-Croatia game is on BBC Three anyway, and on there it isn't packed with ad breaks and presented by the annoying bloke who stopped us watching Soccer AM All-Sports.
UKG2 -4 points

We've just flipped over to the UKG2 coverage for a second, only to hear the words "If you thought 'Japan' was what you cooked 'ja bacon' in, then..." We didn't stick around for the rest of the sentence. Fucking hell.
UKG2 -6 points

Half-time of the Australia-Croatia match, the analysis has to take place on the balcony, as they couldn't be bothered getting them their own bit of studio, or corporate box inside the stadium. This is the sort of thing we approve of. Plus, the pundits are Lee Dixon and The Chiles. Good-oh.
BBC +2 points

The pitchside microphone clearly picking up Tim Cahill shouting "Ow! Fucking hell!" when elbowed by a defender.
BBC +1 point

BrokenTV deciding to watch the fantastic Australia vs Croatia match instead of Brazil, which may have had a lot of goals, but it was hardly going to keep anyone guessing who was likely to come out on top.
BrokenTV +1 point

The post-Brazil BBC One highlights of Australia's triumph missing out Simunic's third yellow and subsequent red, and Australia's celebrations. Hansen claims it was a great match that had everything. Wasn't he watching the Brazil game? How did he know? Did Adrian Chiles hold a piece of paper to the patio door with it written on?
BBC -1 point

So, Ronaldo redeems himself by equalling the all-time World Cup goalscoring record with a great strike. That's still not enough to stop Gary calling him a big fat git. Oh, Gary.
BBC -2 points

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