Friday, 21 July 2006


BrokenTV was any good, had more than a cursory amount of effort put into it, was on television, and was allowed to use all of it's favourite music in the background (Vitalic: check, a track from the new Grandaddy album: check, the wonderful Summer Overture from Clint Mansell's Requiem For A Dream soundtrack album: check), it'd still be only 17% as good as Charlie Brooker's Screen Wipe. Although it would have the exact same music used in the background.

Ooh, hark at mister grumpy.

As possibly the most heavily trailed new entertainment offering from BBC Four since The Thick Of It, the new series of Screen Wipe seems to have a lot to live up to. Luckily, now there's no threat of his jokes having been stolen by Harry Hill five days earlier, Charlie is in fine form for the new (or, if you will, first proper) series of Screen Burn.

Railing against shit adverts via spaz noises or sniping at inappropriately gruesome daytime television, even though we'd imagine most of the BBC Four audience (and BrokenTV, for that matter) are busy working (or, are crammed into an office trying to surreptitiously read the previous evenings' The Fiver while no-one is looking, if you're us*) might not seem like Quality Entertainment, but as we were still trying to recover from the shock that Time Trumpet might not be as great as we're really hoping it is (in fact - whisper it - only the Adam Buxton and Stewart Lee bits even made us smile. Oh dear), it had us grinning like, erm, The Laughing Cavalier (as you can tell, the repeat of QI in between the two softened the blow).

By the time the ace featurette about the rigmarole involved in filming the ex-BBC Knowledge presenter falling off a log had finished, we were even prepared to forgive the BBC for Annually Retentive. WE LIKED IT THAT MUCH. Tack on wonderfully sarcastic and mad-captioned biographies of minor television personalities like Jeremy Kyle, critiques of Doctor Who from the perspective of someone who dearly loves the show, and a lengthily misanthropic rant about bee-yoo-ti-ful people on rubbish television to the strains of Clint Mansell, and we're in TV heaven. It's like seeing someone from the same year in school as yourself doing tremendously well for themselves in the exact same career field that you've already secretly longed to be a part of but ended up packing chicken carcasses into plastic boxes for a living instead, only without the wanting to stab them in the neck.

There are things that might not appeal to everyone. Brooker's presenter patter often seems oddly stilted when he's talking on-screen, but never when on voice-only duty. And we'd imagine his permasneering face will rile people who'd prefer to see Marcus Brigstocke reading an autocue in front of a tiny studio audience in yet another lacklustre stab at 'be'ing The Daily Show, but y'know, fuck 'em. Screen Wipe is ace. If he can rein in the ironical 'c-list TV berk yelling at minion' routines a bit more this time, this will be in our top five television programmes of the year.

By the way: we liked him first. We thought his strips for Oink! were ace, his PC Zone scribblings were second only to the mighty Sir Duncan MacDonald, we were big fans of Super "Not Suitable For Minors. Or Cunts" Kaylo back when the internet was steam powered and you had to actually pay money for half-decent web browsers, we reckon Nathan Barley was criminally underrated (yes, genuinely), his G2 column distracts us from completing the quick crossword every Friday, and heck, we're even prepared to pretend he never really contributed to The 11 O'Clock Show and that it was all an excuse to pick fights with people on the SOTCAA Forum. We even remember when one of his cartoons won the Star Letter in a copy of Your Sinclair. And even the TV version of TVGoHome wasn't all bad. Late Developers was still rubbish, mind. So take that, all you only-liked-him-since-TVGoHome-website twerps.

Of course, the fact he was out there doing all that while we were merely to-varying-degrees admiring his output is probably why he's the one on BBC Four ironically pretending to be a bitter loner railing against current TV offerings while dressed as a tramp, while BrokenTV... oh.

Monday, 17 July 2006

Three Bits Of Text Plucked From Media Guardian That Restore Our Faith In Television

"Hmm... fifty dull minutes of EU tax fraud, eh. What
else is on? Bah. Tax fraud it is, then."

Sentence one:

"On ITV1, PokerFace attracted its best ratings yet, when nearly 6 million viewers tuned in to see Sarah Lang win the £1m prize in the final."

Good. It was a pretty good programme, she was genuinely deserving of the prize and seemed like a really nice person. And it was great to see Annoying Smug Bloke lose £75,000 and walk away with nothing, mainly due to him being so annoying and smug. One flaw we can see in the format is that (if it gets another outing, as it surely will) there's a large chance that lots of annoying smug idiots are likely to WIN BIG, which will put us right off the show.

Bit two:

"And ITV1's Love Island pulled in only half the audience of BBC1's Panorama, which focused on tax fraud in the European single market."

Ha! If there's one sentence that sums up ITV's current state, it's that. And we bet they'd expected dropping the word 'Celebrity' would see the viewers flocking in.

Bit three:

"Kylie - the Interview had 615,000 viewers between 9pm and 10pm on Sky One, according to unofficial overnights. However, only 87,000 viewers stayed tuned to Sky One for the launch of Christian O'Connell's Sunday Service between 10pm and 11pm."

That'll learn him for going from "being quite good on the XFM Breakfast Show" to "World Cuppa" within eighteen months. At least Tim Lovejoy And The All-Stars had Martin Freeman berating the host for not knowing the titles of any Ramones albums, even though he was wearing a Ramones T-shirt.


Wednesday, 12 July 2006

The World Cup Of World Cup Coverage: Final Standings

Best Player: Big Dennis Lawrence (Trinidad and Tobago).

Not just because he plays for Wrexham, but because he did really, really well against both Sweden and England (er, we didn't watch T&T against Paraguay), but mainly the Wrexham thing*. Well, it'd be a bit boring to go for Cannavaro like everyone else has. And Zidane is clearly out of the question. Big Den it is, then.

(*Just in case he reads this, and buys us a drink next time we see him in Liquid.)

Worst Player: Ronaldin-who?

Do you see what we've done there, readers? He didn't do a lot, did he? Maybe this is because Nike had a fairly useless ad campaign for this world cup, and that had some effect on his morale, we're not sure. Dishonourable mention: W Rooney. We still maintain that he only stamped on Carvalho's Portuguese plums because he was getting increasingly frustrated by being fairly rubbish in a tournament his agent and the press told him he was going to be the next Pele at. And yes, we do think he did stamp on him on purpose, though not necessarily on that particular bit of him. Oh, plus: Lampard - the supposed second-best player in the world? It doesn't mean much having "more shots on goal than any other player" if approximately fuck all of them hit the target.

Best Goal: Maxi Rodríguez (Argentina) vs Mexico

Argentina's 72-man goal left us a bit cold, to be honest. It was a great goal and all, but it always strikes us as a bit hollow when the Goal Of The Tournament award is given to a player 'merely' capping off a wonderful team move that he may have had very little to do with. And it looked laughably poor when UKG2 placed it in the top three of their DJ Spoony's Super Top Ten Goals Of Ver World Cup, then only showed the last three seconds of it. So we'll go for Rodríguez's (yes, we ctrl+v'ed his name to get the accent on the 'i' right) wonderstrike against Mexico, glorious chesting-down and all. And surely the BBC could have come up with a better prize than a tour of the Match Of The Day studios. Really.

Best match: Australia 2 - 2 Croatia

Possibly because we managed to miss all but the last ten minutes of the now legendary Germany-Italy semi-final AND all of Argentina's masterclass against Serbia-Montenegro (curse you, gainful employment! Curse you, Match Of The Day's 'only ten minutes of highlights' policy! Curse you workplace IT spods for blocking the Beeb's live net video feed!), but this stands out as the most enthralling match that we saw live. Even without the dodgy refereeing from Tring's non-finest, it would have been great, but the whole 'idiot ref' factor added an extra special something. Maybe there should be a spurious 'super bonus yellow' added at random to more matches - come on FIFA. The best thing that has been on BBC Three, ever.

Most Shameless Display of Hypocrisy: BrokenTV.

Normally, The TV Blog That Tells It Like It Is would delight in England's inevitable collapse to the first half-decent team they faced. We think it's a genetic thing distilled into the DNA of all Celts. Despite that, the Portugal-England game saw us actually willing England to win, partly due to a steadfast refusal to support a team full of cheats, and partly because we ended up watching it with a really attractive female England-supporting colleague. We didn't even laugh when Rooney was sent off. Man, we're shallow. DO NOT JUDGE US.

The Bobby Chariott Award For Rubbish Comedy: Mark Lawrenson

Just pipping Gary Line-acre and BrokenTV to the award, Comedy Lawro didn't just make his ha-ha-larious Sven impression ("Weelllll...") which was greeted with five seconds of dead air from Motty*, we're told he did another impression, this time of a stereotypically thick Gumbyesque footballer ("durrrr... my brain hurts") that was greeted with an even longer period of Mottysilence before the sheepskinned one (even in that heat, we'd wager) carried on as if nothing had happened. As we've previously said, we're sure even John Motson can't stand him by now. Promote Mark Bright immediately.

(*Yes, five whole seconds without him cramming in some oblique statistic. It was that bad an impression.)

Thoughts On England's Performance: Will this prove to be England's 1978? Where they decide not to get so cocky and assume they've a divine right to win every World Cup that they qualify for?


Best Pundit: Martin O'Neill.

Well, duh.

Worst Pundit: Alan Shearer.

At least Ian Wright displays a bit of emotion. Seeing Alan 'Elbows' Shearer decry other players for unsportsmanlike behaviour in a bit like seeing Genghis Khan claim Zidane went 'a bit far' with the headbutt. It was great when The Chiles mentioned Shearer's elbow antics in front of him, wasn't it?

Best Person Involved in Any Aspect of World Cup TV Coverage: The Chiles / Sean Lock

The Chiles was at his best throughout the tournament, so it was a bit of a shame he was considered even below Ray Stubbs in the hosting pecking order. The sooner Line-acre devotes himself full-time to crisp whoring and The Chiles is placed as main host for Match of the Day, the better. As for Sean Lock, is was his presence in the episode of World Cuppa we accidentally saw that stopped us taking our lives in despair. His display of shouting down weak items, refusing to laugh at clearly rubbish gags, and crossing the line into subjects far too leftfield for ITV (i.e. Guantanamo Bay isn't necessarily great) restored out faith in humanity. And we're not sure that was him in the England-Portugal match, but we missed Friday's episode of 8 Out Of 10 Cats.

Pedantic Gripe Of The Tournament: The Amount Of Close-Ups of the Ball.

Yes, we know it has the names of the countries involved in this match written on it by now. You don't need to show us every time. If Jason McAteer has scrawled his name on it: yes. Otherwise: no.

Best World Cup Break Bumper: Dammit, the Budweiser one on ITV.

Despite our decrying them, we've heard that the Budweiser ITV break bumpers used a similar 'semi-on' gag to ourselves, so a limited amount of kudos to them. Fair dues.

Best Use Of A Track By The Pet Shop Boys That Isn't Even A Single Yet, Despite It Clearly Being The Best Track Off Their New Album: BBC Sport.

If we were moved enough by not getting a hug off Sexy English Colleague Girl, because England refused to score in normal time, the Beeb's montage to the tune of 'Numb' made things even more emotional. Sadly, we're not sure if Sexy English Colleague Girl needed a hug by that point, because we'd gone home. AGAIN, DO NOT JUDGE US.

Special Award For Services To BrokenTV's Hits Counter: Clydebank FC.

We've no idea why (as we can't sign up, for some reason), but a Clydebank FC message board is accounting for a lot of BrokenTV's hit right about now. Presumably, this is World Cup related, and we'd like to know precisely why. Also, the term 'Miff Daniels' seems to have led several people to this blog lately. Hopefully, they think he's as much of a cock-end as we do.

Best Pointless Internet World Cup Thing: The ASCII Coverage of Live Matches.

It wouldn't work in longer than five-second bursts for us, but a great idea all the same.

Best Coverage:

Well, this is where the whole points structure comes into play. Ah crap, that means we've got to add it all up, doesn't it? Well, before we do, let's take a look at, say, one episode of ESPN India's pre-match show, Duniya Goal Hai. That we happen to have downloaded about three weeks ago, and have only now got around to writing about, despite promising to do so ages ago.

Well, despite the UK quite improperly assuming we're the World Champions of Irony, this is a pretty splendid show. Think 'Soccer AM, but without fawning over Kasabian and The Ordinary Boys', about 90% of Duniya Goal Hai is presented in an English tongue (lucky, as our grasp of Hindu is a bit ropey). Let's look at a few illustrative screenies...

A background crammed with comedy Germanic stereotypes, but - crucially - in a gentle light-hearted manner, not just banging on about the sodding war, or having fat idiot cockneys coming in to state how much they hate Germany.
+3 points

TV monitor in background is a crappy 70's TV set.
+2 points

Said monitor features pictures of kittens and puppies alongside generic pictures of Germany for no reason whatsoever.
+5 points

Presenters wearing T-shirts proclaiming their predictions for the forthcoming live match.
+4 points

A daily compilation of the previous days' most appalling dives, for which the presenters don diving gear.
+ 3 points

Scrolling ticker at the bottom of the screen throughout the programme listing translations in English, German, Italian, French and Hindu for phrases such as "I love David Beckham" and "Crouching Peter, Hidden Dragon".
+ 5 points.

Section of the show where the presenters drag up in an edit lounge as screeching fishwives to comment on highlights of matches from the previous day.
+ 2 points

Fake news section (presumably a parody of a famous Indian news service, we don't know) called 'B News', hosted by excellently named newsreaders called things like Jogging Gently or Walking Briskly. This is so they can say things like "that's all the news for now. I'm Walking Briskly." We like this.
+3 points

Fake news section is "brought to you by cheese, in association with monkeys". Ace!
+5 points

A course in Bavarian dancing, mainly as an excuse for rarely-seen Presenter C to hit Presenter B in the face, thereby leading Presenter A to pile in and jump on Presenter C.
+ 3 points

A section on dodgy hairstyles in the World Cup, entitled 'Classic Cuts'. Cue large wig donned by Presenter A, and a 'money shot' where Presenter A poses as a famous player with bad hair.
+1 point

An interview with 'Ronaldinho', who answers increasingly Garth Crooks-esque questions with the answer 'foot-ball?'. Until, of course, he answers a final, easy, question with the words 'cricket, yah?'. Well, we liked it.
+1 point

A section called Rat Race. A further attempt to predict the outcome of the forthcoming match by seeing which goal a small rodent scurries into, after encountering a series of Kryton Factor-ish obstacles. Although, due to circumstances, it's a hamster, not a rat. And due to said obstacles, it generally predicts a draw. But hurrah for ideas!
+ 3 points

A caption competition. Being won by a pseudo-rude nonsensical slogan. Fair enough.
+1 point.

Hurrah for Duniya Goal Hai! It very much rocks, and entertains us in a matter that doesn't pretend to be all 'edgy' and 'late night' like World Bloody Cuppa does. In fact, Dunita Goal Hai, have +26 bonus points for being so very smashing!

Right, combining that with a quick dozen bonus points for Baddiel and Skinner for being great in their last few podcasts, that brings the scores up to...

ESPN India: 68 points
BBC: 67 points
Skinner and Baddiel Podcasts: 14 points
BrokenTV: 3 points
ITV: -19 points
Five Live: -19 points
UKG2: -30 points
ITV4: -35 points
Sky Sports News: -46 points

Well, who'd have thunk it? A last minute addition to the list storming to victory on the back of one half-hour of tomfoolery that might very well have proved annoying after seeing another ten or so episodes featuring the exact same jokes, eh? Probably lucky we only ever saw three episodes of it, then. Right, back to needlessly YouTubed uploads of old adverts we go. And, we presume, goodbye to at least 60% of the visitors we've received in the last month. Sigh.

Tuesday, 11 July 2006

This Just In: All News Parody Rendered Utterly Redundant

Thanks to the wonder of Science's The Internet, BrokenTV has been enjoying Granada's wonderful 1985 documentary series on television called, er, Television. Not only is it an enthralling programme in it's own right, and proof positive that there was a time when ITV wasn't shit, but it also contains a snippet of the USA's first television news service, the excellently titled Camel News Caravan. One most notable thing about this news programme is what they do when they run out of filmed footage of major events. Still photographs? No. What they do is... well, here's a freshly YouTubed up clip of it. This made us almost as agog as Zidane's headbutt made us.


Monday, 10 July 2006

It's The End Of The World Cup As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)

Much to the relief of BrokenTV's non-football-liking readers, the World Cup is now over for another four years. Well done for sticking it out, there's a treat at the end of this post for you. But first, the points from the final. Oh, and Zidane: shitting heck.


Firstly, last night's Doctor Who finale was a fantastic piece of television, almost making up for most of the preceding series being a bit rubbish (especially the bit at the 2012 Olympics with Huw Edwards), so the Beeb are getting some goodwill points for that. We don't even mind the appearance of Catherine Tate, as she's a good actress, even if her show is utterly woeful. Hurrah!
+3 points

Pundit watch: Alongside Alan, Martin O'Neill is there (+2 points), but so is Alan Shearer (-2 points). Ian Wright isn't there, though (+2 points).

A live interview with Noel Gallagher, personally invited to the final as a lucky mascot by Alessandro del Piero. Noel mentions how he'd told Piero he might stay at home because there's a double bill of EastEnders on that day. This is what we want.
+1 point

A piece with The Chiles 'be'ing the Olympic Stadium. Yay.
+2 points

Motson stating that Makelele's style of play is like ironing a shirt. Cue Lawrenson chuckling that he is certainly 'never pressed'. Boh. We're sure even John Motson is getting pissed off with him now.
-3 points

A typically overblown montage of the tournament as a whole, much as you'd expect from the BBC. Not as good as their PSB-soundtracked summary of England's fortunes, but nice enough, and they didn't bung the credits over it like they might have done. A retrospective look at the fans was used for that. Any excuse to show lots of pretty girls, eh. Which is, of course, fine by us.
+2 points


We can't be bothered flipping to ITV (especially as we're recording the BBC broadcast to shiny disc), we're guessing they've got about eleven pundits crammed into a tiny corporate box. Of course, one of the main traditions of the World Cup Final is practically no-one bothering with the ITV coverage. When we saw a bit of the '98 final on ITV, there was an immensely annoying interview with Ryan Giggs outside the stadium ("So, Ryan, how do you feel knowing that you'll never get to play in a World Cup Finals? I bet you wish you'd played for England, don't you?" "Er, no. Actually"). Wonder if they'll get beaten in the ratings by UKG2 (which we're not going to watch any of, either. Heck, we can't even be bothered calling it by it's proper name).

Bet they rushed into some adverts two nanoseconds after the final penalty of the shoot-out, too.
ITV -2 points
UKG2 -2 points

Come back tomorrow for the grand totals! Or just add them up yourself. Or, just try to carry on with your lives without caring about it at all.

Super Special Bonus For Non Football Likers

As your reward for sticking out all of the footy talk, here's something that has NEVER been on the internet UNTIL NOW.

Yes, that's right. It's a picture of Brian Walden lighting a cigarette for Neil Kinnock on the set of Weekend World. Shut up, it's interesting.

Tuesday, 4 July 2006

World Cup Things Galore: Part Two

Crikey, update frenzy.

More YouTubed clips, this time of three World Cup themed adverts shown (as far as we know) in these full-length versions just the once.

First, here's the full version of the Carlsberg Old English Internationals Wander About On A Pitch For Cash advert. Especially notable, as we think it's the only non-shite advert we've seen from the long-running "Carlsberg don't do [whatever], but if they did, we'd be dead good at it and that". Maybe you should, because your lager is horrible. "Oooh! Fute-ball legends!" Piss off.

Nextly, here's the full-length kareoke version of Honda's gorgeous The Impossible Dream advert, which doesn't really have much to do with football at all, save for a gratuitous flag shot at the end. Wonder if they did the same for any other countries.

Last, here's that Lynx advert, Billions. We're not sure why we capped it, as Lynx adverts generally annoy us (look, it's bad enough having to put up with thousands of girls in their underwear throwing themselves at us as we go about our everyday lives, we don't need to see it mirrored in TV ads all the time). We're sure they work very well on their dim Nuts-reading demographic. Here it is anyway. Even though it's got nothing to do with football.


World Cup Things Galore: Part One

Welp, to celebrate the forthcoming Italy vs France (ahem) World Cup Final, here's a quick scan of a page from the TVTimes, circa 1978, and their meeting in the first group stage of the '78 World Cup. Why? Well, mainly because we've bought two issues of TVTimes dating from the 1978 World Cup from eBay. And hey, why not?

Now, we don't know about you, but we'd walk around Moss Side in a Portugal shirt to see that edition of Soccer Celebrity Squares. Bob Monkhouse, Bill Shankly and Kenny Everett - together at last!

Any other requests for scans from these issues, leave a comment. We're not doing it if no-one wants them - stupid Independent Television Publications Ltd, you'd think they'd have known I was only going to have an A4 scanner 28 years into the future and didn't want to Photochop lots of scanned bits into a readable page.

Get Your Semi On (1)

In order to check every leak in the UK's World Cup broadcast pipe, BrokenTV (note to selves, think up a better metaphor for the previous statement), we've been listening to FiveLive's commentary of the Germany-Italy semi-final. Oh, alright. Due to accidentally agreeing to spend the duration of the Germany-Italy semi-final stuck in an office deep in the heart of a soulless building in a characterless business park, we're listening to the radio, grasping our cherished "Germany to win the World Cup: 11/1" betting slip. And panicking when the commentator starts shouting about a chance on goal for either team, because our concentation has lapsed and we're not sure which team he's on about until he calms down a bit because they'd spooned it over anyway.

- Mike Ingham referring to "the commentary team from the most densely populated country in the world, China, has the most densely populated commentary box. They're sitting on each others' laps!" This is the sort of thing Motty and Comedy Mark should be referring to.+2 points

- Chris Waddle has just called Torsten Frings "a big, big miss". Bet he wouldn't say that to his face. That reminds us, we're going to deduct points every time he says 'pelanty'.-2 points (suspended)

- That said, hopefully, we'll finally be at home by the time it goes to 'pelanties'. Blimey, Alan Green is rubbish (not an observation we've just arrived at, but this is our first opportunity to air it). Alan, if being at these football matches seems to piss you off so much, can we go in your place? You can just stay at home and complain about foreign footballers.-2 points

- Chris Waddle has just compared someone-or-other to Anne Robinson (possibly German Chancellor Angela Merkel, although we don't see it ourselves. If pressed on the matter, we'd say she looks like what we'd imagine Madge off of Neighbours' sister maybe looks like. Going off her photo on Wikipedia, anyway). Wish our DAB radio had a rewind function on it.BrokenTV: -1 point.

Gah. A latter day Schumacher-Battiston decapitation attempt from Lehmann, by the sounds of it. Wish we were sat in front of a television set right now. Even if it was tuned to ITV.ITV's decision not to stream their World Cup coverage over their website, the rubbish gits: -3 points

The fact this is about to go to extra time, which means we might be able to get home for the end of it, although we'll need to listen to the utterly rubbish medium-wave FiveLive signal on the car radio. Bloody medium wave. On FM: room for dozens of shitty local radio stations all playing the exact same constant diet of Bon Jovi, Texas and inane items stolen from the Radio One of six years ago, no room for the one station everyone in the country really wants to listen to at the moment. Gits.Radio Licence Authority: -15 points

Right, just time to quickly post this, before we dash off like a fool in time to catch the second period...

[22:30 Update]

Oh well, there goes that potential £60. From what we actually saw (all 17 minutes of it), it looks like a cracking match, so we're not quite sure why Alan Green sounded so grumpy about it. No, wait... because he's Alan Green? That'd be it. Nice of ITV to kick us all into an ad break about twenty seconds into the post-match celebration. Now, come on France (hey, we're not so daft as to not put a covering bet on another team once the odds plummet on the one we've backed. It's like taking the Deal from The Banker with four boxes left).

BrokenTV's World Cup Final Countdown: T-4 days and counting

i.e. we've lost count of how many days since the start, so we're working backwards from the epic Germany 5 France 3 (just you wait) final.

Seeing as we've had dozens of emails asking about the BBC's England Are Out compilation featuring the majestic sound of Numb by the mighty Pet Shop Boys (well, technically, we've had no emails about it, but we're sure that's just because we haven't published our email address on the blog), we've decided to upload it to YouTube. And then noticed someone else had done it anyway. But still. And our version is carefully edited to erase all but the briefest of flashes of Lineker's face, and that's only there because they were slow fading in to the compilation.

Here it is!

Sunday, 2 July 2006

More Platters From The YouTube Meat Trolley

Chicks on Speed - Glamour Girl
It's the BrokenTV Super Hit Parade!
Excellent disco-pop from the greatest German all-female electroclash band ever to write a song about Coventry.

Robots in Disguise - Turn It Up
It's the BrokenTV Super Hit Parade!
This looks like a typical YouTube 'some schoolgirls messing about to the sound of a song' offering, but we reckon it'd make a perfectly good proper pop promo. It might even be the proper promo. Hey, if Feeder can get away with it. Ace song, too.

Justice vs. Simian - We Are Your Friends

It's the BrokenTV Super Hit Parade!
One of the best songs of the year? The best remix job on a track since Brimful of Asha? Very possibly.

Tatu - How Soon Is Now
It's the BrokenTV Super Hit Parade!
Better than the original? Despite what everyone else in the world might think, yes. Look, we're determinded to keep mentioning Tatu here until the wonderful album Dangerous and Moving is in the top ten. Buy it. We know the only single anyone has heard from it was the rubbish All About Us, but buy it anyway.

Sonic Youth - Kool Thing
It's the BrokenTV Super Hit Parade!
One of the best things, ever.

Le Tigre - TKO
It's the BrokenTV Super Hit Parade!
Sole redeeming feature from the slightly disappointing This Island album, this is three minute fem-pop perfection. So catchy, every time we notice a three-letter abbreviation anywhere, we tend to sing it in our heads along to this tune. Yeah, we know.

Annie - Chewing Gum
It's the BrokenTV Super Hit Parade!
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh. Sing along! One of the Good! things we'd forgot to mention about the Annually Retentive teaser ad was that the soundtrack was this very song. And here it is, along with it's slightly headache inducing video.

Annie - Heartbeat
It's the BrokenTV Super Hit Parade!
Which, incredibly, we now like even more than 'Chewing Gum'. If you'd told the 2004 us that, we'd have thought you mad.

Bran Van 3000 - Couch Surfer
It's the BrokenTV Super Hit Parade!
A great band, unjustly filed under One Hit Wonder. A pity there's no video for the mighty Love Cliche, as Grand Royal went bust just before it was due to be released. Pop fact! 'Glee' is one of the best albums ever created by Canadians, but the only time we'd ever heard a track from it on the radio that wasn't Drinkin' in LA, it was their ace cover of Cum On Feel The Noize, and that was only because we'd got Andrew Collings to play it. And then lots of Slade fans phoned in to moan about it. It did mean we'd unwittingly got a song with the word 'motherfucker' in it played in full on daytime BBC Radio, though.

Bobby Conn - Never Get Ahead
It's the BrokenTV Super Hit Parade!
Cravats should always be worn with adidas tracksuits. Always.

Emergency Broadcast Network - Comply
It's the BrokenTV Super Hit Parade!
Take that, The Man!

Mono Puff - The Devil Went Down To Newport
It's the BrokenTV Super Hit Parade!
Saving the best for last, here's John TMBG Flansburgh's side-project, Mono Puff, performing their (only) single. And, quite obviously unless you're some sort of idiot, it's excellent. Although possibly the refrain of "Go, go, Satan, go!" didn't do much for the chances of getting lots of airplay. The song, if you're too lazy to click on the link to listen to it, is a totally rocking tune about Jesus and Be'elzebub taking part in a surfing contest. Which is why you really should click on that link, and listen to it.

Saturday, 1 July 2006

England are out! BrokenTV's World Cup Special Grief-O-Meter

BBC's "Oh noes! England are out! Here's a retrospective of how they did" compilation is a really well-crafted piece of footage, featuring a splendid soundtrack of 'Numb' by the Pet Shop Boys. Gary didn't even make a weak joke leading into it, and Ian Wright was pretty quiet in the post-match postmortem (by his standards). A victory of sorts, then.
+50 points.

ITV's version of the same, already on a hiding to nothing because they've tacked it onto the end of the France-Brazil match, is a slapdash affair featuring a predictable choice of Hurt by Johnny Cash. Fantastic song, yes, but a bit bloody obvious. We suppose we ought to be thankful they didn't use one of Kasabian's slower tunes. Even more points subtracted for still being rubbish, despite having an extra three hours to put theirs together than the BBC, who needed to have theirs ready just minutes after the final whistle. Yet more points subtracted for banging on about England (hopefully for the last time, unless they interrupt coverage of the semis for live shots of England's flight home landing) when the much larger surprise of Brazil being knocked out at the same stage had just happened.
-10 points.

We couldn't bear to watch, obviously. We expect they threw some darts at a photo of Christiano Ronaldo and complained about a global refereeing conspiracy. Although as we've no proof of this (we know we could watch the replay, but we'd rather die), we can't deduct any points.
+0 points. Bah.

As for the match itself, we're surprised to say that we were disappointed to see England lose. We'd not have been too bothered to have seen the insipid bores crash out before today, but BrokenTV is a highly principled blog that will take insipid bores over cheating curs almost every time. Next time we get caught speeding, we're going to complain to the police that we weren't ready for that speed camera reading, and please can we drive past it again.

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