BrokenTV's World Cup: Day One

So, World Cup time. And the question everyone is asking surely has to be: who will have the least terrible coverage? Usually the BBC, of course, but a poor showing throughout the regular season for Motty and Lawrenson means that rank (and we do mean rank) outsiders LiveAndExclusiveOnITV might be inspired to stop being so shit for long enough to string some decent coverage together. Especially as we doubt Fifa will let Andy and Ally put their stupid table on the touchline for each match. We're not too confident, though. Newcomers to World Cup coverage UKG2 happen along to the action, offering alternative coverage to all the games shown on BBC1 (which means, of course, no-one other than the pundits' mothers will bother watching them, but still). It'll be interesting to see if a UKTV channel can actually go for forty-five minutes of not showing adverts without exploding, if nothing else.

In order to rate the broadcasters in a purely scientific way, we're going to attempt to rate the coverage of every single match (subject to change, clearly). The marking doesn't start until the start of the tournament, so ITV don't lose any points for banging on endlessly about sodding England, and the BBC don't gain any points for actually promoting the thing properly, noticing that there's more than one country involved.

So, here goes.

Match one: Germany vs Costa Rica, Fri 9th June, broadcast on both BBC1 and UKG2.

=BBC1=

A montage of classic moments set to Super Furry Animals' Rings Around The World
+1 point.

Having Alan Shearer as one of the main punditry team. "Very much so, Gary."
-2 points.

Only showing recorded highlights of the opening ceremony, meaning we only have to endure a few minutes of tedious dancing.
+3 points.

A round-up of contenders voiced by Adrian Chiles.
+2 points.

Boris Becker is interviewed. Good, as we like him, if not just because he regularly proves that he's much funnier than Rory McGrath on They Think It's All Over. Which, of course, no-one should be watching the World Cup Special of tonight, considering that the actual World Cup is on the other side at the same time. But we can't blame BBC Sport for that, so...
+1 point.

Sigh. It doesn't look like Barry Davies is coming out of retirement for this after all, does it?
-1 point.

Lawrenson.
-2 points.

BBC1 TOTAL: +2 points

=UKG2=

Three words: "With DJ Spoony".
-5 points.

The same crappy sponsor ad bumpers for deodorant that are used on Sky Sports News.
-1 point.

A woefully unfunny 'joke' interview with 'Theo Walcott', i.e. a baby in a pram. Do you see?
-3 points.

They've got Big Ron as co-commentator. Now on one hand, he's a great big racist. On the other hand, he wouldn't say "that was the goal of the tournament..." (lengthy pause for 'comic' effect) "...so far!" after the opening goal of the first match, like Lawrenson just did. Dipping into a few minutes of UKG2's in-match coverage, it's not actually too bad. Possible salvation for the UKTV boys, there.
+1 point

UKG2 TOTAL: -8 points

BrokenTV's World Cup league table, 5.30pm Day One

BBC: 2 points
ITV: 0 points
UKG2: -8 points

With ITV still to kick off, they're already eight points clear of the drop zone, but only a couple away from top. You never know, can they pull their best coverage since 1990 out of the bag? It'll be interesting to see if ITV get marked down for their perennial achilles heel: deeply annoying sponsor bumpers.

Only the fact we don't think we'll be able to stand looking at any more of UKG2's coverage might save it from a three figure minus score before the knockout stages.

(Post match update)

Guardian Unlimited's minute-by-minute of the opening ceremony is well worth looking at, mainly because they gave up on it after ten minutes, and started giving minute by minute coverage of Deal Or No Deal instead. Wish we'd thought of doing that.

Read More

MoreTube

More crumbs shaken from the archive toaster:

HUGH LAURIE AND BOOZE

Thatcher's Britain, eh? Pff.

Not quite up to the standards of the Fry Ampersand Laurie Alliance and Leicester adverts, this advert from, ooh, 1981? sees Our Hugh playing Bloke In Pub Looking For Work In Harsh Ecomomic Climate. Upon being served with a pint of Kestrel, his mind wanders to his dream vocation...

"Needs more dog."

Yes, it's a bit rubbish. Yes, Hugh is doing Generic Nerd Voice. Yes, there isn't even a decent payoff. But we're saying it's worth watching, not least because it's as far removed from Hugh in his Dr Gregory House mode as it is possible to be (and not just because saying Dr Gregory House is likely to boost the hit counter for the blog. Although just to be sure: Doctor Gregory House).

OMINOUS VOICEOVER PRODUCTIONS PRESENT

Is it just us, or did every other big budget business-orientated advert of the 1980s that came after that Apple Mac advert get it a bit wrong, and end up looking like it was going to be a public information film about AIDS or something? Quite possibly, but here's just one reason why we shall not be swayed from that opinion.

There's nothing like scare tactics to trick businessmen
(in their shirts and ties) into buying overpriced computers,
you know.

DARK HELMET, MORE LIKE

Ah, the power of ripping off a well-known (and at the time, topical) movie, but doing it so badly there's little chance of you getting sued for copyright infringement.

Oh noes! It is Darth Vader! This must be a new
one of those Star Wars films!

Chuck in some generic 'What The Future Will Be Like' cliches, and you're down the wine bar toilets eating lots of cocaines with your advertising chums before you can say "that slogan will come back and bite you in the arse, you know".

Oh noes! It was just a rubbish advert after all!

BEFORE RED BEE, THEY USED THE KIDS FROM WHY DON'T YOU...?, IT SEEMS

Honestly, how rubbish is the animation at the start of this programme trail for BBC1? Funny thing is, we'd be overjoyed if they ever did anything like this again. It'd be a squillion times better than lots of stage-school brats in snowflake costumes.

You think it looks dodgy as a still. Just
wait until you see it in motion.

"GIVE UP? I WAS PAUL SQUIRES!!!" "WHO?"

Just bask in the 1981-ness of that opening faux-CGI ITV logo at the start. Mmm.

There's a control console and everything!

Then it's into a promo for The Paul Squires Show. We especially enjoy the announcer's forced jollity. Can you imagine a 21st century continuity announcer trying to sound this excited about an episode of Feel The Force? Us, neither.

"Smile, or I play the guitar."

Read More

Old Television: here

Thanks to the wonder of YouTube, all manner of TV flotsam has been shovelled onto the web. Granted, much of it is annoying American teens miming along to Fall Out Boy with their chums, but some of it is good. And, thanks to someone who, on legal advice, we'd like to state categorically possibly isn't BrokenTV's Mark X, it is now host to the following items:

A classic slice of World Of Sport, from when ITV was still good. We think this dates from 1981, although we're none too sure.

Dickie Davies has an Earl Hickey moment.

Bits of card stuck to a bigger bit of card. Now that's presentation!

A promo trail for The New Season Of Drama On BBC1 (also probably circa 1981, maybe). Note logo created seemingly created by some bloke who'd been looking at a Transformers box, plonked into this promo, then never used again, as opposed to pored over by a highly-paid team of 'creatives' for six months, then filtered through a focus group, then given a press launch, just for some dull writing in Gill Sans.

Salute the cheery avuncular voiceover. SALUTE IT.

That's not all of the YouTube goodness we've got lined up. If he were here now, the person who most definitely isn't BrokenTV's Mark X for legal purposes would like to state that he has about 68 other clips lined up for upload. Such as, we'd imagine, a rubbish beer advert featuring a young Hugh Laurie. Probably. Just a guess, mind. Plus, stuff like this.

Person Who Isn't BrokenTV's Mark X would like to thank the person who'd put the original mammoth multi-gigabyte chunks of 70s/80s TV onto UKNova, from which the above clips were culled. [BrokenTV's legal department picks up hefty stick.] Er, we suppose.

Read More

This is the sort of thing we think about at 3am on a Monday morning, you know.

You know when Pink Panther used to happen across Generic Man building himself a house? And Pink Panther used to take it upon himself to somehow paint the house, not as Generic Man wanted in blue, but in pink? By hook and by crook (or, more ususally, by swapping the labels on the tins of paint around), old Pink would generally achieve his aim and ensure that once the house was completed, it'd be a fetching shade of pink. And then, Pink Panther would decide to live in this house. Well, as far as I can see, either:

[a] Pink Panther is paying for the house to be built, and if he wants it to be pink, then what bloody right has Generic Man got to impose his self-styled interior (and exterior) design tips on a house he is only building for a client? Pink Panther could save a lot of effort by just getting a different firm of builders in, via PROPER LEGAL CHANNELS if neccessary. Generic Man can jump up and down on his hat as much as he wants, he'll still be in breach of contract.

or,

[b] Pink Panther has just noticed a house being built, and for some unfathomable reason, he believes that getting a house that is being built for someone else painted in the same colour as that of your fur somehow entitles you to lay claim to possession of that building, AND THERE'S NOT A SINGLE THING WE TAXPAYERS CAN DO TO STOP HIM. And who loses out? Johnny Homeowner, that's who. That's right - Mister Rinky-Dink Panther gets to live, RENT FREE, MIND, in a brand new house, free of charge, and I'll bet you that while the proper legal owners of the house are attempting to have the feline squatter removed, they still have to pay any Council Tax charges that are incurred. And if the council can be bothered doing anything to remove the pink interloper, it's still up to the legal owners of the house - WHO COULD JUST AS WELL BE YOU OR I, to clear up any damages, and to pay to have the house re-painted it's original colour. Meanwhile, that pink BASTARD can just wander off, and trick another innocent decorator into giving him another free palace to stay in for as long as he pleases. Gentleman? Scholar? Acrobat? Or freeloading pink TWAT?

That's it, I'm voting Tory from now on.

Bastard.

Read More

South Park already did it.

Things to do if you meet Seth McFarlane: Number One.

"Oh my god, it's Seth McFarlane, creator of Family Guy! Man, this is more awesome than the time I appeared on Number 7T3 when it was guest-hosted by Mickey Thomas, Wendy Craig and the Roly-Polys..."

Then just sort of stand there, staring into the middle distance, kind of thinking to yourself for exactly one minute and twenty seconds, before piping up again.

"Heh. Sweet. Oh. Sorry, I was just thinking of an unfunny retro pop-culture non-sequitur that went on for too long without even adding any additional jokes or anything, so I don't have to bother thinking up a proper plot or ending or anything. DO YOU SEE WHAT I JUST DID THERE?"

Yeah, I've just been watching a few recent episodes of once-mighty Family Guy. Why the cocking hell can't they get it right any more? No wonder the BBC aren't in any particular hurry to show any of the post-season three episodes any time soon. Now, I'd complain more vociferously about the whole affair (using Venn diagrams to better illustrate points, and everything), but I've noticed that the quality of new Family Guy episodes seems to be inversely proportional to the quality of American Dad broadcast at the same time, and I don't want to jinx anything.

It's even got proper sub-plots and everything!

American Dad really is uncommonly good at the moment, you see, and getting ever better with each passing week (or, thanks to American television schedulers, every one-to-six weeks. I've a good mind to not pay my imaginary illegal BitTorrent downloader licence fee, you know). Possibly this is due to Seth McFarlane actually having very little to do with the scripts for it, so there's no way he can shoehorn in the ten minutes of rejected Robot Chicken sketch ideas that end up finding their unlikely way into the reminiscences of the Griffin clan. Thus, I can at least expect a rip-roaring twenty-one minutes of US animated sitcommery on a Monday evening, even though it's likely to be followed by a frustratingly similar period spent making the occasional chuckle before angrily staring at the screen waiting for a seemingly endless cutaway gag about Katie Couric to end, just on the off chance there’s another rogue great episode, like the ‘PTV’ one.

Honestly, during every tedious sequence featuring Stewie continuing to play 'Marco Polo' with Helen Keller a good ten seconds after everyone got the not-that-great-in-the-first-place joke, I can actually feel a tiny bit of my life ebbing away. Curse you, McFarlane.

Read More

Raiders Of The Loft Archive

A recent delve into the recesses of BrokenTV's parents' loft uncovered a load of print magazines (remember them?) from the mid-1990's. Which is lucky, as it gives us something to post about while our Sky+ box is on the blink (currently most channels appear to us in the form of a slide presentation narrated by Norman Collier). One of the gems uncovered was issue one of the short-lived but very excellent FourFourTwo-but-about-telly magazine, The Box. And, thanks to the unique way BrokenTV is funded, we've scanned in some of the best bits to share (instead of, say, flogging it on eBay).

The cover, featuring lots of things we haven't scanned in. Look, it's really annoying trying to scan in things from annoyingly-just-bigger-than-A4 magazines as it is, so we've had to limit ourselves.

Click to embiggen each of the following:

Yes, it's Jerome Seinfeld. Heading straight for the top of the comedy hierarchy, there.

Fresh from his stint helming the enjoyable BBC2 "What Britain and the US think of each other" jaw-fest Where's Elvis This Week, it's Jon Stewart. Despite what the article says, BBC2 didn't bother thinking up a new vehicle for Jon, and pausing only to usurp Larry Sanders fictional chatshow crown, he moved on to The Daily Show, and the rest is history. Dave Gorman was on it the other day, you know. So, having let 'The Next Jonathan Ross' slip through their fingers, how often has the old Jonathan Ross been on the Beeb? According to the wonderful BBC Programme Catalogue, about 902 times.

Bill Bailey, being damned with faint praise, here. 'The Next Richard Digance', indeed.

What the future of television used to be. "1998: Viewers have to pay £600 for a black decoder box" [Harry Hill voice] No, we didn't! "2003: JVC launches the first 3D TV" No, they didn't! "You better start getting used to... Pay Per View: For boxing, football, movies, porn, any time they think they can get away with it." No, they... oh.

More scanned artifacts from the last century next time, viewers.

Read More

A Post Written Several Weeks While Drunk, Then Forgotten About , Then Posted Upon Rediscovery, Again While Drunk, Hence Verbatim

Notice to everyone in Britain: Watch ESPN Classic on Sky channel 442. It is ace. That is all.

BrokenTV's ESPN Classic Notice-o-meter

* Having an introduction to the, er, introduction for classic matches containing lots of contemporary references is A Good Thing, as long as they update them periodically. Otherwise, making a cheeky reference to Alan Pardew's foreigner-spat with Arsene Venger will seem pretty confusing to the digital viewers of Space Year 2007.

* Graham Souness' surname was pronounced as in Sourness, but without the 'r', in 1978. Now, either the moustachioed midfield supremo also referred to himself as such at the time, or Brian Moore really was rather lazy at the time. Everyone bothered finding the correct pronounciation for Glenn 'Looks Just Like BrokenTV's Old Chemistry Teacher' Hysen weeks before he started playing for Liverpool, by way of being arsed to ask him!

* In 197x, Ajax were pronounced in the same way as the bathroom cleaning product now known as 'Cif', or if you'd prefer, in the same way as Duckman's thickest son, as opposed to the more correct 'Aye-axe'. And yet in the very same final, Juventus were mentioned in the correct 'You-vent-us' manners (not 'jew-vent-us').

* Seeing the World Of Sport clock pop up on screen every now and then is somehow a pleasing sight. Phil Thompson with a perm, less so.

* As long as they bother getting hold of more than just a dozen or so European Cup finals, ESPN Classic could well become one of our favourite channels. All they need is to pick up a few FA Cup Finals, British Championship matches (c'mon, Wales v England at Wrexham in 1980, 2W don't seem to want to show it any more), or especially the 70's Match Of The Day repeats that used to be on UK Gold When It Was Good. And if they ever showed the edition of World Of Sport where Eric Morecambe turned up for a laugh because he'd been out on the ale with Dickie Davies the previous night, we'd happily let the staff of EPSN Classic marry our sisters.

* If it's hopelessly incomprehensible advertising boards you're after, you can't say fairer than 'WYBORDWA'.

* Seeing Belgian teams with Danish footballers who, until eight months before the European Cup Final they appear in, worked for British Leyland's finance division, is ace. Obviously.

* Already, we're really fond of ESPN Classic (channel 442 on Sky, don't forget!). Therefore, we're giving it two months before the bulk of its airtime consists of a keen-to-get-back-on-EPG-numbers-anyone-will-bother-with Quizcall and CGI greyhounds.

* It's seeing channels like this pop up that rekindle our hopelessly futile hope of someday seeing a 'BBC1+20 Years' or 'ATV+25 Years' ultra-timeshifted channel sneak into the EPG within the next five years.

On a Liverpool FC tip, the club's best current player (no Stevie, not you) has a blog: it lives at http://spaces.msn.com/worldcup-es-uk/blog/, and rather charmingly, he does occasionally refer to himself in the third person. "It's the question everyone asks - and Xabi Alonso is no different", indeed.

UNRELATED THOUGHT OF THE NANOSECOND:

How disappointed we all were upon discovering that Parcel Force aren't actually a secret cabal of Post Office Superheroes.

ESPN Classic update:

We've chanced upon the coverage of Aston Villa vs Bayern European Cup Final 1982, God Nigel Spink's looking fat. And enough of the animey-zoom-across-the-eyes-device, ESPNC's director-bloke. Really. It's crap!

(edit: No, really. He's just done it again. It's not as if Spinksy was shouting "Aieeeeee!" while doing it, or anything. We're still drunk by the way.)

Read More

"Menu! Menu! Gah!"

Yes.

Read More

100 Things That Exist

So: did you see 100 Greatest Funny Moments on Channel Four last week? Us, neither. But we've heard enough about it over the last week to check out the listing. Oh dear.

According to the website (which keeps crashing our browser), "we all love an iconic laugh-out-loud TV moment, but forget those tired old scenes you've seen a million times from sitcoms and sketch shows, what we really love are those slip-ups, laughs, gaffes and forgotten gags which come from a diverse range of places; from chat-shows to hidden camera stunts, internet viral attachments to stand-up comedy spots, the controversial, unexpected and often unintentionally funny moments."

So, all the comedy that isn't meant to be comedy, then. Oh, hang on, except there are loads of bits from The Ali G Show, Bo Selecta, Balls Of Steel, Adam and Joe, Brass Eye, and lots of other stuff Channel Four presumably doesn't have to pay any money to use clips from (along with clips of Boyd Hilton and Whoever It Is That Fills In For Jo Whiley When She's Off On Holiday talking about them, presumably). And the shortlist is very short. "Pick your 100 favourite things from this selection of exactly 100 things".

The vast bulk of the list seems to be culled from reality TV and things from the news that z-list celebs can sneer at. And Peter Sodding Kay won. Essentially, the whole four hour (four hour!) affair was terrible, even by 100 Greatest Arbitrary Things standards (by all accounts), but we can't help but wonder what Channel Four will scrape from their special 100 Greatest Barrel next.

Well, we're going to pre-empt them. We hereby announce the beginning of BrokenTV's shortlist for 100 Things That Have Been On Television Ever. Not best. Not worst. Just things. Things that we're hoping to get a selection of weak stand-up comedians into a studio so they can pretend they remember them in front of a camera. And then we'd fill the studio with bees. That'd be good.

Here are the first twenty options for the final shortlist (which will, of course, stop at exactly 100 things). Feel free to add your own utterly inconsequential televised incidents to the comments section, and let's see if we can come up with the ultimate listing of 100 Things That Have Been On Television Ever.

THE LIST

* When Danny Kendall was dumped as DJ for Grange Hill's resident rap act in favour of the singer's cooler brother.

* When Todd couldn't get higher than second on the hi-score table in Ghosts 'n' Goblins, in Neighbours.

* The 'using playing cards to represent a horse race' bit from a Bunco Booth segment of The Paul Daniels Magic Show.

* Mark Thomas' heavy rock version of The Wombles Theme in Viva Cabaret.

* The debut of The Great Big Scottish Giant in Jigsaw.

* Bruce Forsyth's first encounter with Martin Daniels in Springer's Day, and the antics that ensued.

* Andrew Sachs discovering there's a pub in heaven, in Dead Earnest.

* When the insufferably smug Payne family have Noel a big comedy jar of aspirin, in order to "take the Paynes away!" at the end of their marathon run as Telly Addicts champions.

* Celebrities playing Pong™ in Bruce's Big Night. Or, as they had it, 'Video Tennis'.

* The bit where James Whale pretended to storm off again in an episode of The James Whale Radio Show, but was only joking this time.

* The bit in Kenny Everett's The Brain Drain where a scientist attempted to prove that mice actually aren't that fond of cheese and prefer sugar-coated snacks, only the see all his test mice head straight for the cheese on a special board he'd brought in especially to make his point.

* The extended Mystery Chefs insert from the first Christmas special of Get Stuffed.

* The jumping out of a helicopter bit from Run The Gauntlet.

* Jackie Stallone and a can of squirty cheese on Saturday Night Clive.

* The bit where a British rock star said 'wanker' in an episode of Sledge Hammer! that went out at 7.30pm on ITV (Central region only).

* The fairly predictable bit from the 10%ers where a temperamental 'artiste' has to be calmed down by his agent, only for said 'artiste' to actually be a weatherman.

* Hilda Braid going on about her goldfish, from same.

* The time somebody guessed the Odd One Out after only seeing one of the three options in an episode of Odd One Out.

* Captain Ribman being listed as one of the options in an episode of Wipeout where a round had been to identify comic strips, despite it (as far as we know) never been published at all in the UK.

* Paul Morley unsettling Barry Took.

Read More

Get Off The Internet (I'll Meet You In The Pub)

Note: You get poker on television quite a lot these days, don't you? Well then, that means the following isn't off-topic.

Thanks to managing to get to the cinema just in time to miss the first half-hour of Lucky Number Slevin a few days ago, I ended up joining a few friends at a small pub in Llangollen to try my hand at this Poker Not On A Computer lark. And I had a great time. Making the transition from playing online poker, where everything from posting the blinds to shuffling the cards is done automatically, to real-life poker in front of people you don't know, has led me to make the following observations:

• Gleefully admitting that you're a cackhanded buffoon when it's your turn to shuffle and deal is probably preferable to copying the actions of Johnny Sunglasses on the other side of the table, as accidentally flicking a dozen cards accross the room is a bit of a poker 'no-no'.
  
  
• In online poker, you never have to pester other people with "does anyone want to swap a 'fifty' for ten 'fives'?" every few minutes.
  
  
• Not really being 'up' with all this poker lingo, means that listening to other people going on about a 'gutshot draw' or 'Findus crispy pancake draw' (or whatever) can be confusing. Smiling politely and chuckling in a 'too right, mate!' manner generally works well enough here.
  
  
• The bar staff will happily take orders for drinks, then bring them to the table for you. This is excellent.
  
  
• If you really need to go to the toilet after downing all those drinks the bar staff have happily delivered to you, you'll suddenly get ten great hands in a row, meaning you'll have to fold on a great set of cards if you want to relieve yourself ("Gah, another potential flush. Flush? Christ, I need a slash"). Clearly, Lady Luck is tremendously amused by the thought of people pissing in their pants.
  
  
• If it's your first game in a poker league, and being a really obvious newbie, you're a bit crap at first because you're self-conscious about messing up putting down the right blind at the right time, about being a rubbish shuffler, about being unable to remember what your cards are - all two of them - for more than two seconds at a time, then finally settling down and playing your normal game just when everyone else thinks you're really easy pickings, is a tactic that works surprisingly well.
  
  
• You can get away with shouting "you miserable fuckers, I had three aces!" at your monitor when everyone else folds after your first raise (nothing massive, just a 'teaser' raise - I'm not a total poker idiot) when playing online. In real-life poker, you've got to try and pretend this was exactly what'd you'd wanted them to do, a bit like Sawyer in Lost probably would, if he were playing poker, I'd imagine.
  
  
• When the numbers are diminishing, and some other people come to join the table, and they're two irritating squalking chavettes from the beginners' table, with Chavette One knowing quite a bit about poker but had been on the beginners' table (loudly) coaching her idiot friend Chavette Two, who knew nothing at all about poker, meaning that effectively Chavette One had two seats with which to clean out the beginners' table in next to no time, meaning they turn up with armfuls of chips, and they proceed to loudly squalk at each other in between texting people in the middle of their turn, and Chavette Two is utterly incapable of grasping the fact that when dealing, the cards need to be face sodding down so that everyone can't see them, and they go off to the toilet for ten minutes together for more loud squalking holding everyone else up, but then stay in the game for ages because Chavette One is quite good at poker, and Chavette One is still telling Chavette Two what to do, and they'd arrived at the table with more chips than anyone else in the first place, is quite annoying. But, thankfully this won't happen too often.

After all that, I still did fairly well for a first go. Not anywhere remotely near winning the prize (an expensive looking professional poker set in a smart aluminium case), but I'd seen off most of the people from my original table, which was better than I'd been expecting (and by then it was 10.30pm, I was 40 miles from home, it was snowing, and it was a school night, so I'm saying I would have won if my subconscious didn't want me to go home at that point).

In summary: Real-life poker is good, especially when you're not about to lose a bunch of real-life money.

Read More