What Manner Of Devilry Is This?

Here's a screen grab we'd just taken after mistakenly assuming the Beeb had messed up and were projecting McCain to win the election. We then realised that the "Kentucky" didn't refer to where the current live footage was being shot - it being being transmitted from a plane, so such a caption would need to be continuously updated, so it's clearly meaning they're predicting McCain will win the vote in Kentucky - only to spot something even more sinister:



What the? TWO McCAINS? What are they planning? It's time to put our tinfoil helmets on, we smell a sinister conspiracy.

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Live Via Hologram!

CNN don't care what people think any more. Wolf Blitzer is currently talking to Jessica Yellin "Live via Hologram from Chicago".

Yes. Instead of having a correspondent just appear on a 'screen', the CNN boffins have overlaid a three-dimensional representation of Jessica Yellin onto the picture. Wolf is talking to her as if her hologram is actually in the studio. The 'hologram' is even deliberately glitchy, like in Star Wars, just so you really believe in it. Bloody hell.

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Things Are Almost Happening Now

Well, that was a useful time for our internet connection to go down. It did give us an excuse to sneak a couple of hours of kip.

Now we're awake, and it's time for the 'proper' coverage. While Dimbleby (D) is on BBC One proclaiming how a lot of people are claiming they know who is going to win, until results come in no-one actually knows anything, Alistair Stewart is on ITV1 with a graphic saying that Obama has already won. We can see this thanks to the split-screen feature on our Freeview box.

Meanwhile, CNN are trying to break the world record for most pundits on a desk. Somehow, by their watch, McCain is currently winning eight to three. Maybe it's time for the first of our pointless charts.

Live Betting Update: Paddy Power have stopped considering it a contest, with Obama on 1-33 and McCain on 10-1. Once the first few results trickle in, and it becomes clear Obama isn't just John Kerry squared, McCain's odds will lengthen a lot further.

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More Old Election Result Night Awards

MOST OUTRAGEOUSLY BEVELLED TIMECHECK CLOCK

Winner: ABC News This Morning, 1984

What exactly was behind the mad craze for chucking an outrageous bevel behind every bit of caption text on mid-80s US television? It looked garish, clumsy and all-round nasty. Just because you've found the setting for it in Quantel doesn't mean you have to do it.

CHEAPEST TITLE SEQUENCE

Winner: WTOP Washington, 1972

All the budget went on the demented drawing of the donkey and the elephant, it seems. Did they just fire some letraset out of a cannon?

BEST DESK

Winner: Cleveland City Camera News, 1976

That is fantastic, isn't it? It's like they're about to anchor Olympic ice skating or something. If the BBC has a desk like this tonight, we'd be absolutely delighted.

MOST UNFLATTERING PORTRAITS OF CANDIDATES

Winner: CBS, 1992

Poor old Ross Perot.

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Live Or Not Live From The Stump

LIVE UPDATE TICKER: We're watching the streaming MSNBC coverage now. John McCain has just welcomed his 96 year old mother up on stage. Wonder if Jon Stewart will be picking up on that. UPDATE UPDATE: He's just made the "Mac Is Back!" comment again, so this might be a repeat of yesterday's last minute rally. It's hard to tell, as there's no "LIVE" or "RECORDED YESTERDAY" InfoCaption on screen. About a third of the screen is plastered with useless text, but not that. Hey, McCain's Dad is there t... no, that's Joe Lieberman. Hey, now he's telling people not to be afraid of scare tactics! The ironing is delicious.
[edit] It is live, even though he seems to be rehashing last night's speech.


Now, who wants to dip into ten minutes of the CBS coverage of Reagan pummelling a hapless Walter Mondale?



We're sure we won't need to lazily embed YouTube videos all night.

BETTING UPDATE:
Obama: 1-20
McCain: 8-1

It's slipping the way of the Dems right now. It seems that even everyone in America who hasn't already voted finding out just how crazy Joe Biden really is won't be able to save the GOP now.

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LIVE US08 BLOG: Betting and Drinking

When you're staying up until the stupid hours watching coverage of the US Elections, you may well be peeking onto Fox News to see just how they're handling the fact the EVIL SOCIALISTS are very likely to sweep back into power and introduce things like SOCIALISED MEDICINE, HAND OPPRESSIVE POWERS TO ALL THE UNIONS and LET THE GAYS MARRY EACH OTHER. You know, exactly the same as when they didn't even remotely do that after the 1992, 1976, 1960, 1932, 1912, 1892 and 1884 elections. But all that means you'll need to stay up super late. How will you stay awake? Or more importantly, how will you stay awake whilst remaining in a Fox mindset?

What you need is 24: The Energy Drink. WE ARE NOT MAKING THIS UP.

We bought a can of this earlier today. We haven't tried it yet, so expect a full review later on, when we're especially tired and desperate for material. With any luck, we'll be on our feet and torturing people who might just be terrorists in no time.


BETTING UPDATE:

Obama: 1-16
McCain: 7-1

Don't forget, at this point four years ago John Kerry was very much the bookmakers' favourite after a strong showing in the exit polls. This could go similarly awry. We shall monitor the situation.

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LIVE US08 BLOG: And off we go

We've been tormented by the endless coverage for what seems like an entire year. Barely an hour's television viewing would pass without being reminded of the monumental battle between them. But as last, it seems we're nearing the sweet merciful release of a conclusion. Could it happen? Could we really dare to dream? Will we finally be able to retire to our nightly beds, our collective subconscious breathing a huge metaphorical sigh of relief that maybe, just maybe, everything will go the way we're hoping and that we'll soon be living in a somehow slightly more peaceful, sunnier and goshdarnit all-round better world? Yes, that's right. Maybe - just maybe - the couple in those BT adverts could be getting back together. Ooh, fingers crossed!!!

[A distant crack rings out, and a sniper's bullet whizzes just past BrokenTV's ear.]

Oh, please yourselves. It's the massive BrokenTV US Election Live Blog Special!

Only about 726 hours until the first meaningful results start to trickle in, so we're first going to look at some of the results night coverage of the past. And it wouldn't be a BrokenTV selection of pictures from things that happened in the past if we weren't going to dish out some spurious awards, now would it? And we're very lucky to have with us a special guest. Fresh from working with CNN during the live presidential debates, please welcome to the blog... The CNN Uncommitted Ohio Voters Live Opinion Line Chart!

First up:

MOST DEMENTED CARTOON PORTRAYAL OF THE MAIN POLITICAL PARTIES' MASCOTS

Winner: WTOP Washington, 1972.



Whoa! The sixties are over, people, quit it with the LSD-infused imagery.

CHEESIEST INTRO CARD FOR AN ELECTION NIGHT RESULTS TEAM

Winner:Tim Taylor et al, WJKW-TV8, 1984



Replete with signatures from each part of the team.



Sports guy Dick Goddard looks especially pleased that they've let him take part, even though sporting events are traditionally thin on the ground around election night. We suspect he didn't look quite so pleased the time his credit cards were nicked, and the criminals had been able to mimic his signature perfectly.


So, the first couple of awards, and with them the start of our live results night blog. What do you think of the show so far, CNN Uncommitted Ohio Voters Live Opinion Line Chart?

Yeah, not the best start. Nice to see the Ohio ladies perk up a bit once they caught sight of Dick Goddard. Possibly he's America in 1984's version of Gary Lineker.


LIVE UPDATE TICKER: SARAH PALIN HAS VOTED. NO GAFFES TO REPORT. OUR TVU PLAYER STREAM OF FOX NEWS WON'T WORK.

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McCain-Ackroyd

We've just time for a quick update on this before our US Election Special knocks everything else off the front page. Last week saw a welcome return to form for Newstopia after a couple of slightly sub-par episodes (which were, in themselves, saved from the doldrums by at least a couple of brilliant sketches per episode, cementing Shaun Micallef's place alongside Peter Serafinowicz as one of the world's best impersonators, if only that particular comedic genre wasn't utterly beneath them). Here are some of the highlights that, erm, highlight just why Newstopia SHOULD, MUST and (when we finally get our way) WILL be on the television screens of the British public. Come on, Channel Four Television. If you can broadcast an hour per week of Rory Bremner being pleased with himself on your main channel, you can at least shove this onto one of your digital tentacles.

NEWSTOPIA HIGHLIGHTS W/E 31/10/2008

There's an extended intro featuring musings on how the US Presidential Race mirrors the plot of Trading Places. SPOILER! "In the end, the combined efforts of Obama-Murphy and McCain-Ackroyd wipe out the share value of all the stocks owned by the people who put them where they are."

Newstopia's delightfully eccentric South American correspondent Cesar Romero returns, which is great news. Not least because of the great reveal gag at the end of the piece. Which we're about to ruin. A pity Pilger Heston won't be returning, though.

A spoof documentary purporting to be about a GOP think-tank looking into sexing up the McCain campaign that involves Val Doonican, Roger Whittaker and NWA. "What about the Food Fighters?"

The global weather forecast.

And more of the Newstopia team's admirable campaign to revive the tradition of "pretend adverts and trailers sneaked into a genuine commercial break". Including a shot of the back of Kevin Keegan's shoulder in 1997!

Plus a smashing bit played out over the end credits, which doesn't even remotely work with a screenshot.

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This Is For Uncle Sam!

One day to go, and we must admit it's a real pity we don't get to see the attack ads from each candidate running on our TV. After all, what about the hundreds of thousands of US citizens legally eligible to vote in the Presidential Election currently situated in the UK? Well worth a few low-cost slots on daytime Sky Sports News, surely?

But anyway, in the 1940s they did things properly, with the strangely compelling Hell-Bent For Election. There's little need to try and paint your opponent as "the biggest celebrity on the planet" alongside footage of Paris and Britney, when you can just as well imply they're IN LEAGUE WITH THE NAZIS. It's especially helpful when you've got the legendary Chuck Jones on board, too.

Part One:



Part Two:



Total number of election campaign adverts depicting McCain and Obama as trains: zero. A missed opportunity, we're sure you'll agree.

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Cold Dead Eyes

This is, we believe, what is technically known as a 'teaser'.

Aye, we know. Lazy. Obvious. Unfair. Possibly even misogynistic. But... those dead out of focus eyes! How could we not?

(NOTE TO SELVES: Updating the blog on a Saturday night whilst on the wrong side of a couple of bottles of wine, a poker tournament we almost won but didn't, and a James Stewart film about an imaginary rabbit = not the best idea in the world. Although trying the exact same thing on the night of Tuesday 4th November 2008... well, maybe we should find out the hard way.)

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