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Yes.

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100 Things That Exist

So: did you see 100 Greatest Funny Moments on Channel Four last week? Us, neither. But we've heard enough about it over the last week to check out the listing. Oh dear.

According to the website (which keeps crashing our browser), "we all love an iconic laugh-out-loud TV moment, but forget those tired old scenes you've seen a million times from sitcoms and sketch shows, what we really love are those slip-ups, laughs, gaffes and forgotten gags which come from a diverse range of places; from chat-shows to hidden camera stunts, internet viral attachments to stand-up comedy spots, the controversial, unexpected and often unintentionally funny moments."

So, all the comedy that isn't meant to be comedy, then. Oh, hang on, except there are loads of bits from The Ali G Show, Bo Selecta, Balls Of Steel, Adam and Joe, Brass Eye, and lots of other stuff Channel Four presumably doesn't have to pay any money to use clips from (along with clips of Boyd Hilton and Whoever It Is That Fills In For Jo Whiley When She's Off On Holiday talking about them, presumably). And the shortlist is very short. "Pick your 100 favourite things from this selection of exactly 100 things".

The vast bulk of the list seems to be culled from reality TV and things from the news that z-list celebs can sneer at. And Peter Sodding Kay won. Essentially, the whole four hour (four hour!) affair was terrible, even by 100 Greatest Arbitrary Things standards (by all accounts), but we can't help but wonder what Channel Four will scrape from their special 100 Greatest Barrel next.

Well, we're going to pre-empt them. We hereby announce the beginning of BrokenTV's shortlist for 100 Things That Have Been On Television Ever. Not best. Not worst. Just things. Things that we're hoping to get a selection of weak stand-up comedians into a studio so they can pretend they remember them in front of a camera. And then we'd fill the studio with bees. That'd be good.

Here are the first twenty options for the final shortlist (which will, of course, stop at exactly 100 things). Feel free to add your own utterly inconsequential televised incidents to the comments section, and let's see if we can come up with the ultimate listing of 100 Things That Have Been On Television Ever.

THE LIST

* When Danny Kendall was dumped as DJ for Grange Hill's resident rap act in favour of the singer's cooler brother.

* When Todd couldn't get higher than second on the hi-score table in Ghosts 'n' Goblins, in Neighbours.

* The 'using playing cards to represent a horse race' bit from a Bunco Booth segment of The Paul Daniels Magic Show.

* Mark Thomas' heavy rock version of The Wombles Theme in Viva Cabaret.

* The debut of The Great Big Scottish Giant in Jigsaw.

* Bruce Forsyth's first encounter with Martin Daniels in Springer's Day, and the antics that ensued.

* Andrew Sachs discovering there's a pub in heaven, in Dead Earnest.

* When the insufferably smug Payne family have Noel a big comedy jar of aspirin, in order to "take the Paynes away!" at the end of their marathon run as Telly Addicts champions.

* Celebrities playing Pong™ in Bruce's Big Night. Or, as they had it, 'Video Tennis'.

* The bit where James Whale pretended to storm off again in an episode of The James Whale Radio Show, but was only joking this time.

* The bit in Kenny Everett's The Brain Drain where a scientist attempted to prove that mice actually aren't that fond of cheese and prefer sugar-coated snacks, only the see all his test mice head straight for the cheese on a special board he'd brought in especially to make his point.

* The extended Mystery Chefs insert from the first Christmas special of Get Stuffed.

* The jumping out of a helicopter bit from Run The Gauntlet.

* Jackie Stallone and a can of squirty cheese on Saturday Night Clive.

* The bit where a British rock star said 'wanker' in an episode of Sledge Hammer! that went out at 7.30pm on ITV (Central region only).

* The fairly predictable bit from the 10%ers where a temperamental 'artiste' has to be calmed down by his agent, only for said 'artiste' to actually be a weatherman.

* Hilda Braid going on about her goldfish, from same.

* The time somebody guessed the Odd One Out after only seeing one of the three options in an episode of Odd One Out.

* Captain Ribman being listed as one of the options in an episode of Wipeout where a round had been to identify comic strips, despite it (as far as we know) never been published at all in the UK.

* Paul Morley unsettling Barry Took.

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Get Off The Internet (I'll Meet You In The Pub)

Note: You get poker on television quite a lot these days, don't you? Well then, that means the following isn't off-topic.

Thanks to managing to get to the cinema just in time to miss the first half-hour of Lucky Number Slevin a few days ago, I ended up joining a few friends at a small pub in Llangollen to try my hand at this Poker Not On A Computer lark. And I had a great time. Making the transition from playing online poker, where everything from posting the blinds to shuffling the cards is done automatically, to real-life poker in front of people you don't know, has led me to make the following observations:

• Gleefully admitting that you're a cackhanded buffoon when it's your turn to shuffle and deal is probably preferable to copying the actions of Johnny Sunglasses on the other side of the table, as accidentally flicking a dozen cards accross the room is a bit of a poker 'no-no'.
  
  
• In online poker, you never have to pester other people with "does anyone want to swap a 'fifty' for ten 'fives'?" every few minutes.
  
  
• Not really being 'up' with all this poker lingo, means that listening to other people going on about a 'gutshot draw' or 'Findus crispy pancake draw' (or whatever) can be confusing. Smiling politely and chuckling in a 'too right, mate!' manner generally works well enough here.
  
  
• The bar staff will happily take orders for drinks, then bring them to the table for you. This is excellent.
  
  
• If you really need to go to the toilet after downing all those drinks the bar staff have happily delivered to you, you'll suddenly get ten great hands in a row, meaning you'll have to fold on a great set of cards if you want to relieve yourself ("Gah, another potential flush. Flush? Christ, I need a slash"). Clearly, Lady Luck is tremendously amused by the thought of people pissing in their pants.
  
  
• If it's your first game in a poker league, and being a really obvious newbie, you're a bit crap at first because you're self-conscious about messing up putting down the right blind at the right time, about being a rubbish shuffler, about being unable to remember what your cards are - all two of them - for more than two seconds at a time, then finally settling down and playing your normal game just when everyone else thinks you're really easy pickings, is a tactic that works surprisingly well.
  
  
• You can get away with shouting "you miserable fuckers, I had three aces!" at your monitor when everyone else folds after your first raise (nothing massive, just a 'teaser' raise - I'm not a total poker idiot) when playing online. In real-life poker, you've got to try and pretend this was exactly what'd you'd wanted them to do, a bit like Sawyer in Lost probably would, if he were playing poker, I'd imagine.
  
  
• When the numbers are diminishing, and some other people come to join the table, and they're two irritating squalking chavettes from the beginners' table, with Chavette One knowing quite a bit about poker but had been on the beginners' table (loudly) coaching her idiot friend Chavette Two, who knew nothing at all about poker, meaning that effectively Chavette One had two seats with which to clean out the beginners' table in next to no time, meaning they turn up with armfuls of chips, and they proceed to loudly squalk at each other in between texting people in the middle of their turn, and Chavette Two is utterly incapable of grasping the fact that when dealing, the cards need to be face sodding down so that everyone can't see them, and they go off to the toilet for ten minutes together for more loud squalking holding everyone else up, but then stay in the game for ages because Chavette One is quite good at poker, and Chavette One is still telling Chavette Two what to do, and they'd arrived at the table with more chips than anyone else in the first place, is quite annoying. But, thankfully this won't happen too often.

After all that, I still did fairly well for a first go. Not anywhere remotely near winning the prize (an expensive looking professional poker set in a smart aluminium case), but I'd seen off most of the people from my original table, which was better than I'd been expecting (and by then it was 10.30pm, I was 40 miles from home, it was snowing, and it was a school night, so I'm saying I would have won if my subconscious didn't want me to go home at that point).

In summary: Real-life poker is good, especially when you're not about to lose a bunch of real-life money.

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Football: broken

.An annoying thing about being a highly principled television related blog such as ourselves, is to see one of our principle, er, principles torn asunder by simple circumstance. It's like resolutely refusing to watch The Friday Night Project (as is correct), only to find out that Friday's guest presenter is Larry David or The Dark Haired One Out Of Tatu, and therefore having to tune in. Or, on a lesser scale, having to eat human flesh to survive a plane crash (or, say, to win a bet).

One such principal we've stuck to for years was that, despite what numerous sports columnists might say, it doesn't bloody matter who the anchorman is for football coverage. We've always been able to put up with Gary Line-acre's weak whimsy, Gaby "Sure, My Dad Both Played For And Managed Wales, But I'm Going To Support England Because It'll Be More Marketable" Logan, Matt "Live and Exclusive only on ITV4" Lorenzo's bland ramblings or HelloandwelcometofootballonfiveI'mJohnbarnes, because the real reason we're here is to watch the football that'll be on in a minute. Since about 1988, we've been telling anyone who'll listen (friends, relatives, people on buses) that anyone claiming to be a football supporter who actually cares whether the person sitting on a comfy chair in a corporate box with a broadcaster's logo in the background is any good, should just go and live in a ditch.

Sure, it'd be nice if all presenters of televised football were as good as Adrian Chiles, but if they prefer to trot out a Ruud Nistelrooy / long face 'quip' instead, we could be less bothered. As long as there's a decent amount of actual football coming up soon (as opposed to the early days of ITV1's The Premiership, or latterly 'Ally and Andy' standing on the touchline with a plastic table for no useful reason whatsoever), we're happy. And that's the way we've felt ever since The Match burst onto our screens, feeling the need to jazz up that whole 'football' business.

So, how foolish did we feel when tuning into five, only to be confronted with ubiquitous radio eejit Colin Murray hosting the coverage of Bolton's clash with Marseille. Granted, it could have been worse (i.e. Moyles), but within seconds he'd already said 'Chelski', which even a jug-eared crisp peddler would have baulked at, and we were scrabbling for the remote control to watch five minutes of EastEnders instead. And we really, really hate EastEnders. So: thanks, Colin Murray. You've ruined football for us.

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The Worst Thing About Lots Of People Not Liking The IT Crowd Is

That in a few weeks, the rubbish Green Wing will be back on, and lots of gushing idiot columnists can start banging on forever about how 'cutting edge' and 'good' it is, despite the fact that it's:

(a) Little more than Jam: The Sitcom, but worse.

(b) About as amusing as a visit to a real-life Serious Burns Unit. Or TLC, and at least that had Tim Brooke-Taylor in it.

(c) A waste of Mark Heap and Tamsin Greig.

Even more so than before, as all the tedious pricks who've heard that it's Simply The Programme It's SO Cool To Pretend To Like since the end of the first series are about to latch onto it.

Mind you, if it'll get this blog mentioned in meejaguardian, we're now going to replicate the Green Wing 'style' (i.e. copying off of Jam) by typing most of this sentence at a normal speed, then typingthelastbitveryfastfornoreasonotherthanitlooks-interestingifyou'rewatchingitinapubwiththesoundturnedoff.

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How Times Change, Eh?

1990: Radio 2 listeners needed a specially-made television promo featuring Derek Jameson on a Borrowers-style giant kitchen-table-and-radio studio set, explaining, in meticulous yet easy-to-follow detail, how to re-tune your radiogram to the station's new fangled FrequencyModulationotronic wavelength, now that the old-school Medium Wave transmissions were to cease, making way for the short-lived Radio 5. Just in case that was too complicated for the Radio 2 infirm key demographic, there was even an address at the end, where especially confused listeners could request a written copy of the instructions in even more laborious detail.

2006: Radio 2 listeners are implored to subscribe to RSS podcast feeds of their favourite shows, with no detailed instructions given at all.

You know, we can't help but feel there really ought to be a promo running on BBC One after Neighbours featuring Dermot O'Leary and a bookcase-sized Nano to go along with this.

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If You Don't Tolerate This Another Series Of Space Cadets Will Be Next

(A Disjointed Collection Of Words About The IT Crowd Hammered Out After Two Hours Sleep That Prove Why We’d Never Make It As Proper Writers)

The I.T. Crowd
Fridays, 9.30pm
Channel Four

First episodes of new sitcoms are very often so preoccupied with introducing all the characters, there isn't much room for top-quality jokes. Plucking three examples at random, the first episodes of Spaced, Black Books and Futurama (not to mention the first thirty-odd Simpsons episodes, the first few episodes of Fools And Horses, the first series of Men Behaving Badly, we could whip through half of the BBC Comedy Guide at this point) were all below par compared to episodes that followed, and they're all classics, if only in our misjudged (no, hang on, INCONTROVERTIBLY CORRECT) world view.

This didn't pose much of a problem in The Olden Days, where the only competition was likely to be The Nine O’clock News, Snooker and Rumpole Of The Bailey, so people would give a new show, say, three or four episodes to hit it's stride. Often, this would lead to programmes gradually gaining an audience until they become a national phenomenon. Equally often, a lacklustre programme would reach the end of it’s run with a still respectable number of viewers, even if most of them were still wondering which were supposed to be the funny bits (ever wondered why Comrade Dad has never made it to DVD? Nor us).

Now, there are all manner of other distractions, so programmes have to make an immediate impact if they want to avoid being shunted to a midweek 11.30pm slot . Say you’re working on a Friday night Channel Four comedy show. One way is make an impact is to go all out to:

• Appeal directly to braying idiots (The Dirty Jackasses Of Steel Wish Live Project, The Leigh Francis Swearing And Mentioning Celebrities Show, Eighteen Stone Of A Disappointing Johnny Vegas Vehicle).
• Have a Unique Selling Point (the first-person majesty of Peep Show, or Green Wing, which looks like it might be quite good and interesting if you’re watching it in a pub with the sound off, but isn’t).
• Do a panel game, so no-one can complain if the ratings are rubbish because it only cost 7p to make (8 Out Of 10 Cats, which we’d give up on like *that* if Sean Lock left).
• Copy off of BBC’s worldwide smash hit (i.e. some people in America have seen it) That Office, but get it all horribly, horribly wrong (Spoons, The Oh God Turn It Off Or Just Kill Me Where I Stand Book Group).
• Be Peter Kay, and chuck out any old crap because you’ve turned into The Hitler Of Comedy and can do what you want (i.e. Anything since series one of Phoenix Nights, or as it’s disgracefully called on DVD, “Peter Kay’s Phoenix Nights”, even though he only co-wrote it and didn’t direct it.)
• Have another ill-advised stab at re-creating TFI Friday.

One thing that simply doesn’t happen these days is, as David ‘Grumbleweeds Radio Show’ Liddiment pointed out recently, the traditional studio-based sitcom in front of an audience. And going by the amount of whining on various parts of Science’s The Internet about the first couple of episodes of Channel Four’s newie The I.T. Crowd (or, if you’re a continuity announcer, ‘The It Crowd’, of course. And this is actually one of the things people are moaning about), you can’t blame them.

“I CAN HERE PEOPLE LAUGHING INSTED OF JUST HAVING CHARACTER B STARING AT THE OTHER PERSON IN EMBARISSED SILENCE, I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!' says BRENTFAN9823. "yes whats with the caned laughter its like watching the flintstones or something" concurs BillHicksReference2133. "There's a woman in it! Women shouldn't be allowed in comedy, because I've arbitrarily decided they're not funny ever. I now hate Graham Linehan and Chris Morris, and have microwaved my The Day Today DVD in protest!" sulks TedMaul23847324. "You're all wrong, of course. The I.T. Team is refeshingly great, and is likely to become increasingly great as the series progresses" corrects the dashingly lithe Mark X.

Of course, going by the evidence of the first two episodes, it’s not as good as Father Ted. But since when has ‘coming up with a new show that’s not as good as the Official Eleventh Best Sitcom Of All Time by the end if it’s second episode’ been a crime? Since never, that’s when, you comedy I like not-liking Nazis.

Sure, there were weak bits in the first episode (“Get back in there and do some work to do with computers”, with the last word pronounced in a way that someone who doesn’t know how to pronounce it would pronounce it, which was just rubbish, and the tiresome stock ‘post modern pratfall followed by heavy bleeding’ gag – it’s the Del Boy Falling Through The Bar for the Balls Of Steel Generation, that is), but there were weak bits saved by great bits (the predictable “do you want me to connect your phone” line was rescued by the delivery of the “no, I’m using my phone”, “But… how!?” follow-up), and a great deal of great bits in their own right (The A-Team picture and their names, the lift button, “Chairman WOW!”, the fairground photomontage over the end credits).

Episode two was even better, with Linehan using the Simpsons Comedy Model system of gags coming through so thick and fast that any duff lines are soon forgotten about, because a great one has gone chasing straight after it (“I’ll just put this over here with the rest of the fire”, the ‘emailing the fire brigade’ bit, the home-made Stress Machine – for all the people on Science’s The Internet complaining about Richard Ayoade: you’re wrong, there’s three examples of Ayoade Gold right there. Also: “Fire? I’m late for GOLF!”).

Also, away from the meat of the programme itself, it was incredibly nice to see a programme finish without the need to dump a massive ‘4’ logo and voiceover over half of the screen. Something ‘they’ should do more often – if we want to know what’s next, we do have a special button for that very purpose on your digital TV remotes, you know. Oh, and what a fantastical title sequence – if that fails to put you in a good mood before the opening scene, you’re not human. See, it’s all good.

Science Fact! If this rate of continuous improvement continues, by episode five a Decent Comedy Vortex may well develop, and both Will & Grace and The Friday Night Project will be sucked inside, only to be spewed out the other side as repeats of Soap and Saturday Zoo. So, that’s something else to look forward to.

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We'll Go Back To Hating It When The Next 'Regular' Big Brother Comes Around, You Know

Want to vote to see a celebrity housemate kicked out of the CBB house? But not sure which one to vote for? We've filtered several weeks of bickering from each one of Wednesday's potential evictees into one representitive soundbite, to help you decide.

George: "The yolk's on you, Michael!"

Gnn. If there's ever a surefire way to judge someone's character, it's to allow yourself get hit by an egg. If the thing they say next revolves around the fact that the word 'yolk' sounds a bit like the word 'joke', then it's probably a good idea to try and set them on fire. GEORGE MUST GO!

Dennis: "'Cos I don't give a shit."

Uttered pretty much every single time anyone says anything at all to him, to assert to fact that while everyone in the house treats their stay in the CBB building as if it's the pinnicle of their glittering career, he don't need to be there. No, he don't, he could be on Miami Beach with his assorted hangers on. Now, we don't even have the remotest interest in rearing yaks, so last year did we decide to spend an entire month of our lives on a SODDING YAK FARM IN TIBET? NO, WE DIDN'T! DENNIS MUST GO!

Chantelle: "I thought Dundee was in Wales."

Bless. She ain't the most astute tool in the box and she looks like Paris Hilton, but at least you can argue she hasn't got even the remotest trace of maliciousness in her DNA. We want her to win, which is fairly surprising as we haven't got any money on her. The odds are way too short now - we'd stupidly gone for the long shots of Traci (40/1 on Betfair), Faria (80/1), 'Other' (160/1), and Zombie Elvis Presley (1000000/1). But that's our fault for being crap at betting. CHANTELLE MUST STAY!

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Drama Update!

24: Day Five
Fox, Mondays 9pm
(Or the internet, Tuesday morning).

BrokenTV's Spoiler-Free Review of 24: Day Five.

1) Having the same Fox News newsreader as Arrested Development just makes us think of him wearing 70's retro garb and a daft smirk.

2) The Nixonish President Idiot is back! And he has brought his wife!

3) Chloe is back. This is a major plus point. Chloe's ace.

4) Despite initial reservations, it's still very good. Not 'Lost' good, but still very good. Rest assured there's a lot of stuff here we're dying to mention about what's happened, but don't want to ruin the suspense for you.

5) Oh, we will say this - downloaded the special Day Five Preview mini-ep? Well, you can pretty much ignore it.

"Hi! I'm Mary Lynn Rajskub. Not only am I in 24, but
I was in The Larry Sanders Show and Mr Show, and as
such, I'm one of the best people ever.
I'm going to act all moody now.
Blimey, I'm ace."

Prison Break
five, Mondays 10pm

As you'll probably know, this is the one with a premise that's dumber than a big box of frogs watching Fox News. But is it any good?

Commendably, it cuts straight to the chase, automatically assuming everyone tuning in already knows about the whole architect/tattoo/death-row-brother thing. This leaves lots of time for First Episode Thrills And Spills, we reckon. Oh, they're just using the first episode for lots of quite dull scene-setting dialogue, the quite predictible fight-with-top-dog's-goons-stopped-by-guards-in-watchtower aside. And Main Character doesn't even know whether Brother Character has even been framed or not until he's already robbed the bank, been to the tattoo parlour, and got himself banged up, the silly arse. All we're saying is: the quiet one out of Fargo had better do something excellent by the end of episode two, or we're giving up on Prison Break.

"Look closer at my tattoos to see the map. Here's a pointless
CGI special effect to help you." We'd sooner have the "I'm
'aving 'oops" bit of Life On Mars on an endless loop for an
hour.

Now, if you'll excuse us, we've got to jump on a flight to JFK so we can catch tonight's 24 without illegally downloading it.


BrokenTV's Drama Premiership, 23rd Jan 06.

1) Lost (ABC) - 62 pts
2) 24 (Fox) - 48 pts
3) Life On Mars (BBC One) - 46 pts
4) House (five) - 44 pts
5) Prisoner Cell Block H (if it was still on) - 41 pts
6) Prison Break (five) - 29 pts

Quick probably too late by the time you see this heads Up! The UK debut of Chapelle's Show in on Tuesday 24th Jan at 10.10pm, on FX. We'll be watching.

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Hey, where have I seen that Donny Jones character in tonight's episode of My Name Is Earl before?

The first series of 24.

No need to thank us.

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