An Update A Day: Volume One

  • 5/22/2007 01:35:00 am
  • By Mark Gibbings-Jones

Yes, we know we've been deathly quiet recently. This isn't because we're too lazy to bother doing any updates (even though we are), because we been distracted because we'd become committed to gradually building up a large bankroll from an initial investment of £10 in online poker, over hours and hours and hours of play, before stupidly spunking the lot up the wall by misguidedly chucking most of it against top pair top kicker in a no-limit game before realising that ThaNutz364 had pocket queens all along because we're not very good at online poker (even though we recently did that) or because we're drunk on £2.99 Home Bargains wine (hic). No, a mixture of having a 48 hours per week day job and trying to cram in a dull degree that might just allow us to eventually stop doing a 48 hours per week day job for something less boring instead means that something has got to give. Quite clearly, it's not a degree in English, so we still don't know how to formulate a sentence properly.

Anyway, we've just found ourselves with a bit of time on our hands, so now we make a pledge to you, Johnny Viewer. For this week, we PROMISE to deliver AT LEAST one update, EVERY SINGLE DAY, for about a WEEK. We've got a Sky+ box 91% full of stuff we haven't got around to watching yet, so there must be something in there worth writing about, yeah? So, what better way to kick off this whole catch-up exercise with a subject matter that hasn't even happened yet, but which everyone else had been bored of talking about two weeks ago...

Day One: Credit Ra(n)ting

That Tony Blairs, eh? For a few years now, his stock reply to being asked about the whole WMD/Iraq/him being a great big massive war criminal directly responsible for the deaths of thousands of innocent civilians question was along the lines of "oh, so you'd rather Saddam was back in power, would you? Eh? Eh?" In much the same vein, we'll generally make a point of addressing any criticism of the BBC by pointedly stating "oh, so you'd rather it was just as rubbish as ITV1, do you? Eh?" With that in mind, it's interesting to see that Auntie Beeb are becoming increasingly like their long-standing commercial rivals, by enforcing bland uniformity to all of BBC One's end credits, starting from the 4th of June.

But, as BrokenTV can now exclusively reveal, it doesn't end there. In a move to yet further prevent viewers from switching over at the end of the programme, a late addition to the presentation style guide has been made, in order to ensure that viewers know precisely which type of fare due to be sling in their faces after the next batch of trailers.

That's right. In further move to free us from the Orwellian tyranny of Not Being Able To Tell Exactly What A Programme Is About From The Title Alone, our glorious leaders at Television Centre have come up with the wonderful idea of forcing the programme makers to change not just the title sequence of each programme, but the title itself. Hurrah for the glorious BBC Commissioning Department!

It is proposed that the title sequence for each programme MUST include the title of the programme in the pre-approved Glorious Democratic Helvetica Neue 55 Roman typeface. 'Regular' only, and it has to be right-justified. The example above uses italicised text, which is why the person responsible is now lying face-down in a ditch with seagulls feasting on the diseased brain responsible for such an oversight. ALL HAIL THE GLORY OF THE FARSIGHTED BBC COMMISSIONING DEPARTMENT IN THIS CHALLENGING MULTI-CHANNEL AGE.

This is more like it.

Each show will end like this, until the END OF TIME.

In a further move to retain their digitial audience share, all BBC Three announcers have been instructed to use a "comedy mong" voice to dissuade viewers from flipping over to Footballers Wives' Haircuts Revealed: Extra Time on ITV2, as this exclusive leaked extract of next Tuesday night's announcer script reveals:

"Coming up next on Three, Two Pints Of Lager. Of course, you want to watch that. If you don't, you're just a big spastic. Hnnnnnnnngh!!!"

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