The Big BrokenTV Eurovision Preview Show. With Nipples.

  • 5/24/2008 02:10:00 am
  • By Mark Gibbings-Jones

Here's a confession for you. In much the same way we've never watched any of the Star Wars trilogy all of the way through (and you'd be surprised how many people get genuinely annoyed when we tell them that), we've never watched an annual Eurovision from start to finish. Well, later on today (i.e. Saturday, as that's what it technically is), we plan to lose our Eurovision virginity, because we care about you, our loyal listeners, we're going to be blogging the whole grisly experience live. Yes, between the hours in which it is broadcast, on a Saturday night, we literally have nothing better to do. Plus. we spent all of our gin money on Friday night. Hey, you've got to set yourself limits.

But that's for later. This preview is here to set the scene for the main event, and what better way to do that than a round up of the TOP THREE EUROVISION APPEARANCES (THAT WE KNOW ABOUT, GIVEN OUR LIMITED KNOWLEDGE OF THE EVENT).


LT United - We Are The Winners (Luthuania 2006)

"But... it's shit!" you might be saying if you haven't clicked on the 'play video' icon yet, and you'd only ever heard about five seconds of it on Radio One Newsbeat two years ago, while they were bemoaning why the rest of Europe have to pick on Britain once again, and how the only way we don't win every year is because of our government's support for the War in Iraq. And you'd be quite spectacularly incorrect to do so. Go click that link. We'll wait.

Ready to yum up those words yet? One of the reasons 'we' like to somehow feel all superior over never winning Eurovision is that we like to assume everyone else treats it the same way 'we' treat the World Cup. The be-all and end-all of everything. But not us merry Britishers, oh no. We treat it as a bit of a laugh, and nothing more. That's why it really sticks in our collective craw when someone else - Lithuania of all people! - treats it with precisely as much disdain as we like to think we do. Only, when we're sneering at those funny European sorts after selecting yet another bland sub-daytime Radio Two travesty to represent all sixty million of us, those swarthy Lituanians go and pull some shit like this.

Odd thing is: it's not actually that bad a song. In fact, it's pretty damn good. No, really. It falls in with BrokenTV's Fifth Rule Of Music in that if a band contains more than two members (one of whom must be lead vocalist) who could pass for managers of your firm's IT department, then they're really good at music. Think about it. Apples In Stereo, Guided By Voices, The Hold Steady - they all fall into this theory.And so do LT United, although admittedly, to a lesser extent.

Odd thing is, parading around whilst dressed sharply, smugly proclaiming you're the best thing since sliced sex is perfectly acceptable when you're Robbie Williams (erm, and it's still 2002). When you have the sheer barefaced audacity to be... foreign - ugh. Especially when you're from one of those frightful ex-Soviet nations that only otherwise seem to pop up to callously steal a couple of qualification points from England when they really need them. Bad show, LT United. In a way, it's your fault Brave John Terry won't be slipping over for penalties in Vienna this summer.


France Gall - Poupée de Cire, Poupée de Son (Luxembourg 1965)

And we didn't even have to look up the year, that's all from memory. Cripes, eh? It's quite clearly a metric mile more impressive and catchy than any of Sir Clifford's efforts, and it roundly kicks anything by Abba up the arse. And for some reason, it has two grown men in romper suits wandering into an oversized mock-up of a nursery. Christ knows why. They don't even do anything when they get there.

More super background info that we don't even have to look up - there was a bit of an uproar in France at the time this scooped the Eurovision. France Gall wasn't from Luxembourg, and nor was the writer of the song, the legendary Serge Gainsbourg. But that doesn't stop it being the second best Eurovision song ever. Heck no. So, in leiu of us knowing much more about Eurovision 1965, here are some other things we know (or at least, think we know) about France Gall.

FRANCE GALL FACT ONE: Serge "The Surge" Gainsbourg continued to write songs for France Gall after Eurovision 1965, but after the people of France discovered that the song "Les Sucettes" was probably about blowjobs (and not, as had been assumed, lollipops), the 18-year-old Gall had to put up with all sorts of palaver, and saw her career take a bit of a nosedive. With that in mind, she ironically never worked with the generously-conked Gainsbourg again, and reportedly still refuses to perform the songs written by him.

FRANCE GALL FACT TWO: The Arcade Fire have an absolutely brilliant cover version of "Poupée de cire, poupée de son" available as a split 7" with LCD Soundsystem, which was available at their concerts for a short while. And, because we're splendid, here it is.

FRANCE GALL FACT THREE: We don't know more than two facts about France Gall. Unless you count the fact that even though she's now sixty, we'd probably still consider it.


Tatu - Ne Ver', Ne Boisia (Russia 2003)

Well, clearly. It's Tatu. The greatest band ever to appear on Eurovision. We even own an actual physical copy of this song. That's how good it is. But, we'll spare you the same spittle-flecked diatribe about how Tatu are actually one of the best bands in the history of the word (if you want to hear that in full, be in the same pub as us any time All About Us pops up on the jukebox - we didn't put it on, we don't even like that song very much - and make any sort of 'tutting' noise about it. We dares ya).

No, instead we're going to simply point to an NSFW uncut copy of the video for Beliy Plaschik, their latest single. It's stunningly excellent. And, with an observation that will in all probability see our penises revoked by the Bloke Police, we're more excited about the fact that it's a brilliant remix of the track than the fact you get to see two of Tatu's nipples (one each, if you're keeping score). But for whichever reason you're considering checking it out, here you go. While stocks last (i.e. us being told to remove it). And see you later for that Live Eurovision Extravaganza.

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