BrokenTV makes it's feelings known about the teaser ad for Rob Brydon's Annually Retentive

"Oh no! Another attempt to 'be' Larry Sanders!"

Good!

It tears asunder the weakness of the formulaic 'comedy' panel show format, by mercilessly lampooning it!

Bad!

Much of the show is likely to be nothing more than a formulaic 'comedy' panel show, but with sarcastic cutaways every few minutes.

Good!

Rob Brydon! He's a very much underrated comedy actor, and great at improvisation!

Bad!

The supporting cast is likely to feature the self-same mix of z-list celebs that make up your average weak comedy panel show panel. We sense the likes of Paul Ross and Colin Murray. Brr.

Good!

But: Rob Brydon! He even made an ITV comedy programme that managed to be (a) innovative, and (b) not shit! "Ooh, that's a two-shot, aaaaand... there's a three! Well done, me!"

Bad!

Stupidly, there clearly isn't going to be another series of Director's Commentary, despite it costing about 7p to make, and despite it's aforementioned non-shitness.

Good!

It'll be on BBC Three, which means one less outing for episodes of Two Pints Of Lager..., repeats of Two Pints Of Lager..., Two Pints Of Lager... Outtakes, Grown-Ups, Grown-Ups Outtakes, repeats of Grown-Ups Outtakes, Nighty Night, Nighty Night Outtakes, Titty Bang Bang Outtakes (repeat until earth explodes)

Bad!

Unless it gets EastEnders-repeat-showing audience figures, they'll be scared to show on BBC Two, meaning no-one will get to see it.

Good!

About eight seconds worth of television has compelled BrokenTV to write it's first TV-related update for about a month!

Bad!

It's a bit of a rubbish update, based as it is on about eight seconds worth of television. And why does BrokenTV keep promising to do features on things, then never deliver, naming no compelling Indian World Cup update shows in particular.

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A Post That Isn't About Football

Because really, how many more ways can we think of to say "Lawrenson isn't as funny as he thinks he is"? So, to mark the first day of the World Cup where there's no football on, it's time for...

The BrokenTV Hit Parade

[BrokenTV thinks about donning a comedy Jimmy Saville wig and shiny tracksuit, then comes to what remains of it's senses.]

Hello. Here are some things we've foraged from YouTube:

Metric - Monster Hospital


Discovered this track about a week ago, bought the album the next day, and listened to it pretty much non-stop since then. As a special bonus, the YouTube version includes the three seconds MTV2 felt compelled to flash up a big 'CENSORED' blocker to replace. Can you guess which bit MTV2 decided their 2am viewing audience wouldn't be able to handle?

The Go-Gos - Stuck In My Car


The 'Gos finest three minutes, with an unofficial promo video. Because, in a move that has surely nudged civilisation one notch closer to eternal fiery damnation, there wasn't a proper one, as it wasn't even a single.

April March - Up Above


Of all the former Ren and Stimpy animators to turn their hand to gorgeous faux-French, faux-60s dream pop, we'd have to say April March is possibly the best of the lot. Bonus points for having previously been in a band called The Shitbirds. And she sang 'Don't Whiz On The Electric Fence', too.

Camera Obscura - Lloyd, I'm Ready To Be Heartbroken


Given the joyful wonderfulness of the song, and the quite startlingly bored performance of the person singing it in the video, we're tempted to suggest that they've brought in a supply singer at the last minute. Hmm.

KMFDM - A Drug Against War


Celebrate Germany's World Cup by listening to their finest purveyors of RAWK. Can anyone here remember the name of the rubbish late-90's PC FPS based on the artwork for this very music video? Because we can't. Pop fact! We remember this video being shown, in full and uncut, on MTV's 120 Minutes, at about 7pm on a Sunday. That just would never happen nowadays on so many levels.

Fuzzbox - Pink Sunshine


Oh, shut up. This is great. And no, they were better when they became a pop band.

Naivepop or Petitfool - BicycleRace (Plus Tech Squeeze Box Remix)


Another fan-made video, and because this is the internet, it is made up from clips of various animes. Which would be dull and predictible, but at least it's for a song by a Japanese band. Especially when it's a Japanese band who have an album quite excellently called "1, 2, 3, Darts!!!". All the best blog writers are using it as their avatar, you know.

Stereo Total - L'amour a Trois


We don't speak French (we thought we did, but trying to order something in a service station somewhere near Marseille one time soon disproved that), but even we can work out that the lyrics to this song are absolute filth. Plus, there's an English language translation on the album. And speaking as a blog that is perpetually two people short of having a threesome, this is all very exciting.

Jason Lyttle of Grandaddy - Jeez Louise (Live)


They're back. And they're as ace as ever (we're saying Fambly Cat is better than Sumday). Here's a live performance of the best track from the album, presented in here in a manner as far removed from the awesomely loud original as possible, but no less great all the same.

Vive La Fête - Noir Désir


Lovely noisy French pop music. Imagine how much we'd like it if we knew what on earth they were singing about, eh? At one point, we think she's singing 'Le soir, Tom Petty', but we're probably wrong. Note: this song includes the best screaming in a pop song ever.

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BrokenTV's World Cup: Day Fifteen microupdate

Ian Wright, Leonardo and Adrian Chiles investigate the controversy of the new World Cup ball design by having a game of Wembley. Aces.
BBC + 4 points

Martin O'Neill waxing lyrical about his jealousy for Leonardo. "He isn't the sort of boy you'd be wanting to walk into a disco with." Best pundit of the World Cup? We think so.
BBC +2 points

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BrokenTV's World Cup: Day Fourteen

From England-Sweden, just after Owen crawls off, delivered in a mocking tone over a shot of Theo Walcott: "That's England's other striker. He's got a provisional driving licence." So? Do you need an HGV licence before you can play international football or something?
ITV - 1 point

From same: "That was an agricultural clearance from Campbell." Who needs Big Ron? Speaking of whom, we'd noticed a story in the Daily Mirror, claiming that racism's Big Ron had been reduced to filing match reports on his website, as no one else wanted him, and at the time of going to press it had only recieved 37 visits. Well, no - he has been co-commentating on UKG2. To a total viewing audience of... 36 people. (©2006 J Carr Blindingly Obvious Jokes plc.)
ITV + 2 points

ITV's post-match interviewer not shouting "you're on television, man! For Christ's sake, bother to take your other stupid sodding iPod earphone out when I'm talking to you, you self-obsessed twerp!" at Rio Ferdinand.
ITV - 1 point

ITV claiming that they've had 'lots of emails' asking about their theme tune, performed by 'British band Kasabian'. Only asking why it's so shit, surely? Then imploring viewers to text in to a number, where they'll be told how to get hold of said weak cover as a 'digital download'. For money, no doubt. What with this sort of thing and the whole existance of ITV Play, we're giving it a year before ITV start putting up eBay listings for "BUY AN 60GB VIDEO IPOD FOR £10!!!!!1 APPLE IRIVER MP3".
ITV - 3 points

ITV not bothering to show any highlights of the other match taking place simultaneously, at half-time of the last group matches. Because who'd want to see the three goals and the sending off from the first half of Serbia-Montenegro vs Ivory Coast match, when they could be hearing in-depth analysis of Wayne Rooney's frame of mind when he threw his boots on the ground?
ITV - 4 points

Through watching the Netherlands vs Argentina snorefest at the home of a hard-of-hearing relative, it seems the ITV subtitles include a translation of each national anthem. We like the way Argentina's includes the word 'cheers' so often.
ITV + 2 points

Checking this out at home on the BBC for the Czech-Italy match, the Beeb's subtitlers are restricted to 'ITALIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM'.
BBC - 2 points

The main coverage on BBC One cutting to goals in the other match as they happen, then showing the last few minutes of the Ghana-USA match live, as the Italy-Czech match had finished first. Do you see, ITV? That's what you're meant to do. *Rubs ITV's nose in it's own coverage*
BBC + 3 points

The BBC forgetting to put the sound feed from Italy-Czech Republic back up after flipping to the Ghana-USA match's pre-half time penalty. Oops.
BBC - 1 point

[addendum 22:30]

Having the same build up to the Brazil-Japan and Australia-Croatia matches on both BBCs One and Three. Good, as it'll be worth flicking between both games, so we'd prefer to see the build up to both. DO YOU SEE, ITV?
BBC +2 points

UKG2 picking Australia vs Croatia as their live game. A good move - BBC One are showing the Brazil game, and after all, it's Australia vs Croatia is the one that matters more.
UKG2 +2 points

Of course, no-one will actually be watching UKG2 - the Australia-Croatia game is on BBC Three anyway, and on there it isn't packed with ad breaks and presented by the annoying bloke who stopped us watching Soccer AM All-Sports.
UKG2 -4 points

We've just flipped over to the UKG2 coverage for a second, only to hear the words "If you thought 'Japan' was what you cooked 'ja bacon' in, then..." We didn't stick around for the rest of the sentence. Fucking hell.
UKG2 -6 points

Half-time of the Australia-Croatia match, the analysis has to take place on the balcony, as they couldn't be bothered getting them their own bit of studio, or corporate box inside the stadium. This is the sort of thing we approve of. Plus, the pundits are Lee Dixon and The Chiles. Good-oh.
BBC +2 points

The pitchside microphone clearly picking up Tim Cahill shouting "Ow! Fucking hell!" when elbowed by a defender.
BBC +1 point

BrokenTV deciding to watch the fantastic Australia vs Croatia match instead of Brazil, which may have had a lot of goals, but it was hardly going to keep anyone guessing who was likely to come out on top.
BrokenTV +1 point

The post-Brazil BBC One highlights of Australia's triumph missing out Simunic's third yellow and subsequent red, and Australia's celebrations. Hansen claims it was a great match that had everything. Wasn't he watching the Brazil game? How did he know? Did Adrian Chiles hold a piece of paper to the patio door with it written on?
BBC -1 point

So, Ronaldo redeems himself by equalling the all-time World Cup goalscoring record with a great strike. That's still not enough to stop Gary calling him a big fat git. Oh, Gary.
BBC -2 points

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BrokenTV's World Cup: Day Eight

The match coverage is still about the same level as ever (although we always welcome the use of Strachan for key matches, so well done, the BBC. Switch Lineker and Chiles around, and we'll be happy), so here's a look at another piece of World Cup programming.

World Cuppa

There's always room for a light-hearted fun programme about the World Cup. BrokenTV has fond memories of 1998's BBC One World Cup show presented by Johnny Vaughan (which we can't check the name of, as the Beeb's Infax service is annoyingly unavailable at the moment, but we think was called World Cup Tonight). With Skinner and Baddiel preferring to do podcasts for The Times this time round, it's up to ITV4 to offer regular doses of World Cup whimsy, with World Cuppa. Will it feature entertaining moments along the lines of Johnny Vaughan getting narky with the studio audience for applauding so loud he can't hear what the Prime Minister of Senegal is telling him down the phone, or will it feature a crowd of slackjawed Zoo readers who cheer and applaud the word 'tits'? Let's see.

Christian O'Connell. Used to be good on XFM, but then started sucking the corporate teat, and now pretends to like Bon Jovi and Texas records on Virgin FM. Grr.
-3 points

Oh, and he did that awful nightly Channel Five attempt at TFI Friday, too. Man, that was rubbish.
-3 points

Mind you, we could have ended up with Richard Bacon. Suddenly, O'Connell's not so bad.
+6 points

Hm. Bad start - a piece declaring Wayne Pie-Face Rooney solely responsible for England's fluke win against T&T, despite the blindingly obvious fact it was mainly down to the introduction of Aaron Lennon. Lazy.
-2 points.

Special guest one: Sean Lock.
+5 points.

Special guest two: Paddy McGuinness. The, ooh, approximately eighth best stand-up comedian from the cast of Phoenix Nights (we're assuming the religious woman character who also popped up in Coronation Street is seventh, by the way).
-4 points.

Special guest three: Jason McAteer. Always good for a laugh, and worth bonus points purely for surreptitiously scribbling graffiti onto the FA Cup Final 2001 match ball on the morning of the match, when Soccer AM weren't looking.
+2 points

A weak 'hidden camera' bit. You know, like The Minature Area from The Saturday Night Armistice, except not funny. Obviously, even this is better than every single thing Alison 'Double Take' Jackson has ever done ever, but you could say the name about having your bollocks attacked by an monkey with a grudge and a toffee hammer until the end of time.
-3 points

A dull interview with pitchside berk Andy Townsend. Yawn.
-2 points

The website URL on screen, in an annoying (and large) font, in an annoying part of the screen, throughout the entirety of the programme. What with the ITV4 logo in one corner, and the usual 'press red for tat!' logo in another, this leaves just one corner of the screen without some clutter in it. We reckon it should contain a running total of the budget spent on the series thus far. Or a still of Sid James' laughing face, from Bless This House. Or anything, really. Or just get rid of the annoying URL.
-2 points

A framed picture of Jack Rosenthal on the presenter's desk. That doesn't even work on an ironic level. Dickie Davies, maybe. Rosenthal, no.
-1 point

Sean Lock is the first guest to appear. Good.
+4 points

The Sugababes 'do' the Peter Crouch dance. Yeah, mail it to TWO WEEKS AGO, WHEN WE MIGHT HAVE CARED.
- 3 points

Nooooo! An utterly shit version of Triumph The Insult Dog, but with a puppet Maradona. Fucking hell.
-17 points

After being asked "er, Sean, why aren't you laughing?" at said puppetry by Christian, Sean Lock points out pretty much the above. Excellent.
+ 12 points (but just for Sean Lock)

The horrid realisation that Christian O'Connell has the same hairstyle as BrokenTV. Brr.
-2 points (with a further minus 200 points to follow if anyone, ANYONE says "ooh, your hair's just like that bloke off of World Cuppa")

Forced laughter all round at a not very good mobile phone clip sent in by a viewer (a pet dog, right, this viewer, yeah, is pretending, right, has drunk a load of beers! Chortle!).
- 2 points

Sean Lock tries to riff about Guantanamo Bay during discussion about USA v Italy. Everyone starts to worry, and he gets cut short. Lightweights.
-2 points

A trailer for another gritty US crime drama featuring Ed "Al Bundy" O'Neil. That's about, ooh, four of them he's been in now. We give it one season.
(no points, just an obvservation)

An absolutely woeful faux-controversial rant about how Argentina are rubbish by a man whose surname is Bunce ("their best player plays for a Brazilian club team! Therefore, er...").
-3 point

The word 'tits' gets a round of applause. We'd prefer repeats of Standing Room Only at this point.
-5 points

McAteer moans about how rubbish the little England flags on cars are. That's sure to annoy ITV4's target demograhic. Good.
+2 points

All in all: oh dear. We dread to think what score this might have got if Sean Lock hadn't been there.

Total score: -35 points

Meanwhile, on the internets:

The Skinner and Baddiel Podcasts

Pretty much a return to form for the duo (mainly Frank, obv) after the shambles that was Fantasy Football 2004.
+ 6 points

Oh, for fucks sake. Stop going on about the war you tedious berks. I know you've got a lot of time to fill, but still.
- 4 points

Total score: 2 points.

Next update:

What World Cup-based entertainment should be like, direct from India:

This is more like it.

Quick Match Coverage Update:

BBC One: Match of the Day

Only showing about ten minutes of highlights for the Argentina v Serbia-Montenegro match. After all, it's only the best game of the tournament so far, and most of your audience will have been at work and therefore have missed the live match. Bastards.
- 5 points

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BrokenTV's World Cup: Day Five

BBC

At half-time of the France-Switzerland match, Iain Dowie wandering into shot whilst gossiping on his mobile, much to the amusement of Gary. "Is that... is that Dowie?"
+2 points

Gary's smug smirk when trying to make a joke about Kaka's name ("Brazil's performance was Kaka... led"). Gary, no.
-2 points

Scores as they were, then.

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BrokenTV's World Cup: Day Four

BBC

Gary and Ian "Wright Wright" Wright trying with all their combined might to extract an ounce of humour from referring to Serbia and Montenegro as 'S&M', despite the obvious insurmountable odds.
-3 points

Martin O'Neill slowly but visibly becoming irritated by the above.
+2 points

An interview with Embrace...
-2 points

...with 'Comedy Dave' off of The Chris Moyles Self-Congratulation And If There's Time, A Record, Show.
-3 points

A clip of the Nottingham Forest squad singing We've Got The Whole World In Our Hands from Jim'll Fix It, with which to embarrass Martin O'Neill, possibly edging him even closer to a D Fens-esque rampage across the whole of the BBC.
+3 points (suspended until said outrage ensues, or at the very least, Martin O'Neill says "fuck you very much" to Gary)

Letting Gordon Strachan loose on daytime television (i.e. USA-Czech Republic match), rather than cooped up on the highlights show.
+1 point.

Total: -5 points.

ITV1

World Cup Highlights. On at the same time as the BBC's highlights show. Except ITV's one has (a) adverts, (b) no Chiles or Strachan, (c) the possibility of Jim Rosenthal (we haven't checked, but it's a safe bet).
-3 points

That title sequence really is shit, isn't it?
-2 points

UKG2

Another chance to see the highlights of today's matches, but actually on at a different time to the BBC's highlights, so they're quite handy if you've just got in, and (best of all) you don't have to put up with Annoying Bloke Off Soccer AM All Sports Show for as long.
+2 points

Sky Sports News

Valiantly battling against the odds to put together at least 14 hours a day of World Cup news coverage without being able to show a single second of the World Cup itself.
+2 points

Bothering to put together at least 14 hours a day of World Cup news coverage without showing a single second of the World Cup itself.
-50 points.

Still, Kelly Dalglish, eh?
+2 points

BrokenTV

Realising that posting lots of comments like the above for every single match is going to become really boring for everyone, and preferring to just post in updates every few days.
+2 points

Also, we really can't stand much more of tuning in for pre-match tedium, and would much rather watch the matches in the pub, where we don't notice Gary's one liners as much.
+2 points

The Standings
BBC: 4 points
BrokenTV: 2 points
ITV: -3 points
UKG2: -14 points
Sky Sports News: -46 points



Current position in the Google rankings for "puma advert pele": Second

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BrokenTV's World Cup: Day Two

England vs Paraguay
10th June 2006

BBC1

That old stalwart of coverage of England in international tournaments - a rousing speech (this time from Henry V, literary fans), set to grainy footage of the team. A cliche, but at least the BBC always do this sort of thing well, while ITV always tend to mess it up ("The Barcelona Code", indeed).
+ 2 points

A round-up of England's poor starts to pretty much every single tournament since 1982, followed by a round-up of England buggering up World Cups since 1970. Preferable to the usual tubthumping "come on England" we've seen so far, we say.
+ 1 point.

A special report by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant on doing the Peter Crouch dance, that was actually pretty excellent (even if you think That Office is one of the most overrated shows of all time, and Extras clearly isn't 'all that', like us), especially considering it was in front of 25 million people on afternoon BBC1. Would have got a bonus of twenty points if Karl Pilkington had been involved, but we're still awarding
+ 3 points.

Bringing the mood right down again with a long interview with Sven, where he says NOTHING OF ANY CONSEQUENCE AT ALL as normal. I suppose he's just smoothing the transition to the sparkling media personality Steve "I'm suspicious of that word 'entertainment'" McLaren.
- 1 point.

Is Flintoff drunk? Yes, he is! Huzzah! More of this, please.
+ 1 point.

Hang on, *how* long has this pre-match coverage going on for? At least show a few seconds of highlights from yesterday's matches. Or some coverage of what Paraguay are like at football or something.
- 1 point.

Chris Birchall's video diary. This is what we want!
+ 2 points.

Total score: +7 points.

BrokenTV

Being out all day at a wedding, only seeing about an hour's aggregate total of today's matches 'live', and having to rely on watching SkyPlussed recordings once it gets home, and utterly forgetting to record the Argentina-Ivory Coast match at all. All just one day after saying it'd look at the coverage of every single match. Expect us to catch up tomorrow. Er, possibly.
- 3 points.

Latest standings.

Oh, just hang on for a bit.

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BrokenTV's World Cup: Day One (and a bit)

Poland vs Ecuador.

ITV

Not one, but two sponsors for their coverage. The EDF Energy ones should be over quickly and be fairly inoffensive, but the ones for rubbish lager Budweiser, featuring ha-ha-larious spoof US soccer commentators, is sure to get tremendously tiresome very quickly.
- 1 point.

Uh-oh. Bad cover version of Bowie's Heroes as a theme. The German language version of the original that BBC played in their coverage of Germany-Costa Rica was much better.
- 2 points.

It seems their in-match graphics are less stupidly huge than the Beeb's web-coverage-friendly enormotext, which our eyes are quite pleased by. Quite nice on-screen presentation all round, really.
+ 1 point.

A DayToday-esque graph on Germany, Poland and Ecuador's respective sea levels, presented in such a way that we can surely expect more official ITV graphs as the tournament progresses. Excellent stuff.
+ 3 points.

The ad breaks seem much, much shorter than you'd expect. This is probably because it's only Ecuador vs Poland, and because no-one watches ITV any more, but we're feeling charitable. And at least lots of advertisers bother making half-decent adverts when a World Cup's on. Gillette and co banging on about 'real fans' when it's because of those exact companies hardly any real fans can actually go to the matches is a bit rich, but that's not ITV's fault.
+ 2 points.

Half time. Members of the England squad respond to questions from members of The Public. Despite our phobia of broadcasters banging on endlessly about England (there are 31 other teams involved, after all), quite a nice thing to include. We're not sure if they'd devote as much coverage to any other British nation if they'd been involved, but unless the other British nations start being more good, we're not likely to know any time soon (the Kirin Cup doesn't count).
+ 1 point.

We're taking a point back for the adverts, because that fucking TomTom advert has just been on.
- 1 point.

Ah, that ITV stalwart, a piss-easy compo that costs a lot of money in phone calls to enter.
- 1 point.

ITV Total: +2 points.

Bits we'd missed from the earlier match because we'd gone out, but had Sky+'ed.

BBC1

Half time. Messing around with a slow-moving graphical gimmick to prove something we could see perfectly well for ourselves anyway - Costa Rica's first goal was onside. Sometimes I think BBC Sport resent not having adverts, which means they've got an extra six minutes to fill with nonsense every half-time.
-1 point.

A Peter Crouch interview. Better than droning on about Rooney's foot. And they shut up about his robot dance after the first minute of it, thankfully.
+1 point.

The aforementioned EnormoText lettering for the scores and time added on. We'll bet people with huge TVs are going to get serious sick of that. BrokenTV's telly isn't very large, and it made our eyes hurt a bit.
-2 points.

The backdrop of the Brandenburg Gate for the Beeb's punditry looks much, much nicer than ITV's cramped corporate box look. Plus, there's more room for the pundits to spread out - they had to be arranged in a right-angle on ITV, for Cloughey's sake.
+2 points.

BBC1 Total: 0 points.

UKG2

(By the way, we know it's now meant to be UKTVG2, but that's the second stupidest name for a TV channel ever, so we're sticking with the old name. And we're not going to start saying ITV1 until their range of decent programming extends beyond the stuff with Harry Hill in it.)

Having a EPG listing as '2006 FIFA World Cup Germany (TM)'. Oh, thanks for the trademark. I was about to print up all these T-shirts and everything, but now I won't bother. What's wrong with 'World Cup Live', or even 'Germany vs Costa Rica Live'? Worried it'd look a bit daft on the stupidest name for a TV channel ever, UKTVG2+1?
- 1 point.

Bringing in Members Of Ver Public to watch their coverage, and interviewing them about the game while it's going on. Have they learned nothing from Channel Five's coverage of England matches in 1997?
- 2 points.

They're asking Spoony back to judge a special 'Spoony's Goal of the Season' (we think they actually mean tournament). Lord, no.
- 3 points.

Piss-easy rip-off phone compo, for a much more rubbish prize than ITV have up for grabs.
- 2 points.

UKG2 Total: -8 points.

Other stuff:

Best World Cup-related Advert So Far: Puma.
For having Pele in it, and for trumpeting the fact that the likes of Iran and Saudi Arabia wear their gear. A refreshing change from saluting the efforts of moneyed Serie A, Premiership and La Liga stars.

Current standing at close of play Friday, 9th June.

BBC: 2 points
ITV: 2 points
UKG2: -16 points

So, all to play for between the big two. Meanwhile, this year's minnows looking very much out of their depth. What will day two bring? And will the added on effect of Chiles-fronted highlights shows (that we haven't had time to watch yet) shove some extra points into the BBC column? We shall see.

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BrokenTV's World Cup: Day One

So, World Cup time. And the question everyone is asking surely has to be: who will have the least terrible coverage? Usually the BBC, of course, but a poor showing throughout the regular season for Motty and Lawrenson means that rank (and we do mean rank) outsiders LiveAndExclusiveOnITV might be inspired to stop being so shit for long enough to string some decent coverage together. Especially as we doubt Fifa will let Andy and Ally put their stupid table on the touchline for each match. We're not too confident, though. Newcomers to World Cup coverage UKG2 happen along to the action, offering alternative coverage to all the games shown on BBC1 (which means, of course, no-one other than the pundits' mothers will bother watching them, but still). It'll be interesting to see if a UKTV channel can actually go for forty-five minutes of not showing adverts without exploding, if nothing else.

In order to rate the broadcasters in a purely scientific way, we're going to attempt to rate the coverage of every single match (subject to change, clearly). The marking doesn't start until the start of the tournament, so ITV don't lose any points for banging on endlessly about sodding England, and the BBC don't gain any points for actually promoting the thing properly, noticing that there's more than one country involved.

So, here goes.

Match one: Germany vs Costa Rica, Fri 9th June, broadcast on both BBC1 and UKG2.

=BBC1=

A montage of classic moments set to Super Furry Animals' Rings Around The World
+1 point.

Having Alan Shearer as one of the main punditry team. "Very much so, Gary."
-2 points.

Only showing recorded highlights of the opening ceremony, meaning we only have to endure a few minutes of tedious dancing.
+3 points.

A round-up of contenders voiced by Adrian Chiles.
+2 points.

Boris Becker is interviewed. Good, as we like him, if not just because he regularly proves that he's much funnier than Rory McGrath on They Think It's All Over. Which, of course, no-one should be watching the World Cup Special of tonight, considering that the actual World Cup is on the other side at the same time. But we can't blame BBC Sport for that, so...
+1 point.

Sigh. It doesn't look like Barry Davies is coming out of retirement for this after all, does it?
-1 point.

Lawrenson.
-2 points.

BBC1 TOTAL: +2 points

=UKG2=

Three words: "With DJ Spoony".
-5 points.

The same crappy sponsor ad bumpers for deodorant that are used on Sky Sports News.
-1 point.

A woefully unfunny 'joke' interview with 'Theo Walcott', i.e. a baby in a pram. Do you see?
-3 points.

They've got Big Ron as co-commentator. Now on one hand, he's a great big racist. On the other hand, he wouldn't say "that was the goal of the tournament..." (lengthy pause for 'comic' effect) "...so far!" after the opening goal of the first match, like Lawrenson just did. Dipping into a few minutes of UKG2's in-match coverage, it's not actually too bad. Possible salvation for the UKTV boys, there.
+1 point

UKG2 TOTAL: -8 points

BrokenTV's World Cup league table, 5.30pm Day One

BBC: 2 points
ITV: 0 points
UKG2: -8 points

With ITV still to kick off, they're already eight points clear of the drop zone, but only a couple away from top. You never know, can they pull their best coverage since 1990 out of the bag? It'll be interesting to see if ITV get marked down for their perennial achilles heel: deeply annoying sponsor bumpers.

Only the fact we don't think we'll be able to stand looking at any more of UKG2's coverage might save it from a three figure minus score before the knockout stages.

(Post match update)

Guardian Unlimited's minute-by-minute of the opening ceremony is well worth looking at, mainly because they gave up on it after ten minutes, and started giving minute by minute coverage of Deal Or No Deal instead. Wish we'd thought of doing that.

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MoreTube

More crumbs shaken from the archive toaster:

HUGH LAURIE AND BOOZE

Thatcher's Britain, eh? Pff.

Not quite up to the standards of the Fry Ampersand Laurie Alliance and Leicester adverts, this advert from, ooh, 1981? sees Our Hugh playing Bloke In Pub Looking For Work In Harsh Ecomomic Climate. Upon being served with a pint of Kestrel, his mind wanders to his dream vocation...

"Needs more dog."

Yes, it's a bit rubbish. Yes, Hugh is doing Generic Nerd Voice. Yes, there isn't even a decent payoff. But we're saying it's worth watching, not least because it's as far removed from Hugh in his Dr Gregory House mode as it is possible to be (and not just because saying Dr Gregory House is likely to boost the hit counter for the blog. Although just to be sure: Doctor Gregory House).

OMINOUS VOICEOVER PRODUCTIONS PRESENT

Is it just us, or did every other big budget business-orientated advert of the 1980s that came after that Apple Mac advert get it a bit wrong, and end up looking like it was going to be a public information film about AIDS or something? Quite possibly, but here's just one reason why we shall not be swayed from that opinion.

There's nothing like scare tactics to trick businessmen
(in their shirts and ties) into buying overpriced computers,
you know.

DARK HELMET, MORE LIKE

Ah, the power of ripping off a well-known (and at the time, topical) movie, but doing it so badly there's little chance of you getting sued for copyright infringement.

Oh noes! It is Darth Vader! This must be a new
one of those Star Wars films!

Chuck in some generic 'What The Future Will Be Like' cliches, and you're down the wine bar toilets eating lots of cocaines with your advertising chums before you can say "that slogan will come back and bite you in the arse, you know".

Oh noes! It was just a rubbish advert after all!

BEFORE RED BEE, THEY USED THE KIDS FROM WHY DON'T YOU...?, IT SEEMS

Honestly, how rubbish is the animation at the start of this programme trail for BBC1? Funny thing is, we'd be overjoyed if they ever did anything like this again. It'd be a squillion times better than lots of stage-school brats in snowflake costumes.

You think it looks dodgy as a still. Just
wait until you see it in motion.

"GIVE UP? I WAS PAUL SQUIRES!!!" "WHO?"

Just bask in the 1981-ness of that opening faux-CGI ITV logo at the start. Mmm.

There's a control console and everything!

Then it's into a promo for The Paul Squires Show. We especially enjoy the announcer's forced jollity. Can you imagine a 21st century continuity announcer trying to sound this excited about an episode of Feel The Force? Us, neither.

"Smile, or I play the guitar."

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Old Television: here

Thanks to the wonder of YouTube, all manner of TV flotsam has been shovelled onto the web. Granted, much of it is annoying American teens miming along to Fall Out Boy with their chums, but some of it is good. And, thanks to someone who, on legal advice, we'd like to state categorically possibly isn't BrokenTV's Mark X, it is now host to the following items:

A classic slice of World Of Sport, from when ITV was still good. We think this dates from 1981, although we're none too sure.

Dickie Davies has an Earl Hickey moment.

Bits of card stuck to a bigger bit of card. Now that's presentation!

A promo trail for The New Season Of Drama On BBC1 (also probably circa 1981, maybe). Note logo created seemingly created by some bloke who'd been looking at a Transformers box, plonked into this promo, then never used again, as opposed to pored over by a highly-paid team of 'creatives' for six months, then filtered through a focus group, then given a press launch, just for some dull writing in Gill Sans.

Salute the cheery avuncular voiceover. SALUTE IT.

That's not all of the YouTube goodness we've got lined up. If he were here now, the person who most definitely isn't BrokenTV's Mark X for legal purposes would like to state that he has about 68 other clips lined up for upload. Such as, we'd imagine, a rubbish beer advert featuring a young Hugh Laurie. Probably. Just a guess, mind. Plus, stuff like this.

Person Who Isn't BrokenTV's Mark X would like to thank the person who'd put the original mammoth multi-gigabyte chunks of 70s/80s TV onto UKNova, from which the above clips were culled. [BrokenTV's legal department picks up hefty stick.] Er, we suppose.

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