Friday, 16 June 2006

BrokenTV's World Cup: Day Eight

The match coverage is still about the same level as ever (although we always welcome the use of Strachan for key matches, so well done, the BBC. Switch Lineker and Chiles around, and we'll be happy), so here's a look at another piece of World Cup programming.

World Cuppa

There's always room for a light-hearted fun programme about the World Cup. BrokenTV has fond memories of 1998's BBC One World Cup show presented by Johnny Vaughan (which we can't check the name of, as the Beeb's Infax service is annoyingly unavailable at the moment, but we think was called World Cup Tonight). With Skinner and Baddiel preferring to do podcasts for The Times this time round, it's up to ITV4 to offer regular doses of World Cup whimsy, with World Cuppa. Will it feature entertaining moments along the lines of Johnny Vaughan getting narky with the studio audience for applauding so loud he can't hear what the Prime Minister of Senegal is telling him down the phone, or will it feature a crowd of slackjawed Zoo readers who cheer and applaud the word 'tits'? Let's see.

Christian O'Connell. Used to be good on XFM, but then started sucking the corporate teat, and now pretends to like Bon Jovi and Texas records on Virgin FM. Grr.
-3 points

Oh, and he did that awful nightly Channel Five attempt at TFI Friday, too. Man, that was rubbish.
-3 points

Mind you, we could have ended up with Richard Bacon. Suddenly, O'Connell's not so bad.
+6 points

Hm. Bad start - a piece declaring Wayne Pie-Face Rooney solely responsible for England's fluke win against T&T, despite the blindingly obvious fact it was mainly down to the introduction of Aaron Lennon. Lazy.
-2 points.

Special guest one: Sean Lock.
+5 points.

Special guest two: Paddy McGuinness. The, ooh, approximately eighth best stand-up comedian from the cast of Phoenix Nights (we're assuming the religious woman character who also popped up in Coronation Street is seventh, by the way).
-4 points.

Special guest three: Jason McAteer. Always good for a laugh, and worth bonus points purely for surreptitiously scribbling graffiti onto the FA Cup Final 2001 match ball on the morning of the match, when Soccer AM weren't looking.
+2 points

A weak 'hidden camera' bit. You know, like The Minature Area from The Saturday Night Armistice, except not funny. Obviously, even this is better than every single thing Alison 'Double Take' Jackson has ever done ever, but you could say the name about having your bollocks attacked by an monkey with a grudge and a toffee hammer until the end of time.
-3 points

A dull interview with pitchside berk Andy Townsend. Yawn.
-2 points

The website URL on screen, in an annoying (and large) font, in an annoying part of the screen, throughout the entirety of the programme. What with the ITV4 logo in one corner, and the usual 'press red for tat!' logo in another, this leaves just one corner of the screen without some clutter in it. We reckon it should contain a running total of the budget spent on the series thus far. Or a still of Sid James' laughing face, from Bless This House. Or anything, really. Or just get rid of the annoying URL.
-2 points

A framed picture of Jack Rosenthal on the presenter's desk. That doesn't even work on an ironic level. Dickie Davies, maybe. Rosenthal, no.
-1 point

Sean Lock is the first guest to appear. Good.
+4 points

The Sugababes 'do' the Peter Crouch dance. Yeah, mail it to TWO WEEKS AGO, WHEN WE MIGHT HAVE CARED.
- 3 points

Nooooo! An utterly shit version of Triumph The Insult Dog, but with a puppet Maradona. Fucking hell.
-17 points

After being asked "er, Sean, why aren't you laughing?" at said puppetry by Christian, Sean Lock points out pretty much the above. Excellent.
+ 12 points (but just for Sean Lock)

The horrid realisation that Christian O'Connell has the same hairstyle as BrokenTV. Brr.
-2 points (with a further minus 200 points to follow if anyone, ANYONE says "ooh, your hair's just like that bloke off of World Cuppa")

Forced laughter all round at a not very good mobile phone clip sent in by a viewer (a pet dog, right, this viewer, yeah, is pretending, right, has drunk a load of beers! Chortle!).
- 2 points

Sean Lock tries to riff about Guantanamo Bay during discussion about USA v Italy. Everyone starts to worry, and he gets cut short. Lightweights.
-2 points

A trailer for another gritty US crime drama featuring Ed "Al Bundy" O'Neil. That's about, ooh, four of them he's been in now. We give it one season.
(no points, just an obvservation)

An absolutely woeful faux-controversial rant about how Argentina are rubbish by a man whose surname is Bunce ("their best player plays for a Brazilian club team! Therefore, er...").
-3 point

The word 'tits' gets a round of applause. We'd prefer repeats of Standing Room Only at this point.
-5 points

McAteer moans about how rubbish the little England flags on cars are. That's sure to annoy ITV4's target demograhic. Good.
+2 points

All in all: oh dear. We dread to think what score this might have got if Sean Lock hadn't been there.

Total score: -35 points

Meanwhile, on the internets:

The Skinner and Baddiel Podcasts

Pretty much a return to form for the duo (mainly Frank, obv) after the shambles that was Fantasy Football 2004.
+ 6 points

Oh, for fucks sake. Stop going on about the war you tedious berks. I know you've got a lot of time to fill, but still.
- 4 points

Total score: 2 points.

Next update:

What World Cup-based entertainment should be like, direct from India:

This is more like it.

Quick Match Coverage Update:

BBC One: Match of the Day

Only showing about ten minutes of highlights for the Argentina v Serbia-Montenegro match. After all, it's only the best game of the tournament so far, and most of your audience will have been at work and therefore have missed the live match. Bastards.
- 5 points

3 .:

Brig Bother said...

The horrid realisation that Christian O'Connell has the same hairstyle as BrokenTV. Brr.

Man, I'm just not going to be able to take you seriously anymore.

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