BrokenTV's World Cup: Day One

  • 6/09/2006 04:25:00 pm
  • By Mark Gibbings-Jones

So, World Cup time. And the question everyone is asking surely has to be: who will have the least terrible coverage? Usually the BBC, of course, but a poor showing throughout the regular season for Motty and Lawrenson means that rank (and we do mean rank) outsiders LiveAndExclusiveOnITV might be inspired to stop being so shit for long enough to string some decent coverage together. Especially as we doubt Fifa will let Andy and Ally put their stupid table on the touchline for each match. We're not too confident, though. Newcomers to World Cup coverage UKG2 happen along to the action, offering alternative coverage to all the games shown on BBC1 (which means, of course, no-one other than the pundits' mothers will bother watching them, but still). It'll be interesting to see if a UKTV channel can actually go for forty-five minutes of not showing adverts without exploding, if nothing else.

In order to rate the broadcasters in a purely scientific way, we're going to attempt to rate the coverage of every single match (subject to change, clearly). The marking doesn't start until the start of the tournament, so ITV don't lose any points for banging on endlessly about sodding England, and the BBC don't gain any points for actually promoting the thing properly, noticing that there's more than one country involved.

So, here goes.

Match one: Germany vs Costa Rica, Fri 9th June, broadcast on both BBC1 and UKG2.


A montage of classic moments set to Super Furry Animals' Rings Around The World
+1 point.

Having Alan Shearer as one of the main punditry team. "Very much so, Gary."
-2 points.

Only showing recorded highlights of the opening ceremony, meaning we only have to endure a few minutes of tedious dancing.
+3 points.

A round-up of contenders voiced by Adrian Chiles.
+2 points.

Boris Becker is interviewed. Good, as we like him, if not just because he regularly proves that he's much funnier than Rory McGrath on They Think It's All Over. Which, of course, no-one should be watching the World Cup Special of tonight, considering that the actual World Cup is on the other side at the same time. But we can't blame BBC Sport for that, so...
+1 point.

Sigh. It doesn't look like Barry Davies is coming out of retirement for this after all, does it?
-1 point.

-2 points.

BBC1 TOTAL: +2 points


Three words: "With DJ Spoony".
-5 points.

The same crappy sponsor ad bumpers for deodorant that are used on Sky Sports News.
-1 point.

A woefully unfunny 'joke' interview with 'Theo Walcott', i.e. a baby in a pram. Do you see?
-3 points.

They've got Big Ron as co-commentator. Now on one hand, he's a great big racist. On the other hand, he wouldn't say "that was the goal of the tournament..." (lengthy pause for 'comic' effect) " far!" after the opening goal of the first match, like Lawrenson just did. Dipping into a few minutes of UKG2's in-match coverage, it's not actually too bad. Possible salvation for the UKTV boys, there.
+1 point

UKG2 TOTAL: -8 points

BrokenTV's World Cup league table, 5.30pm Day One

BBC: 2 points
ITV: 0 points
UKG2: -8 points

With ITV still to kick off, they're already eight points clear of the drop zone, but only a couple away from top. You never know, can they pull their best coverage since 1990 out of the bag? It'll be interesting to see if ITV get marked down for their perennial achilles heel: deeply annoying sponsor bumpers.

Only the fact we don't think we'll be able to stand looking at any more of UKG2's coverage might save it from a three figure minus score before the knockout stages.

(Post match update)
Guardian Unlimited's minute-by-minute of the opening ceremony is well worth looking at, mainly because they gave up on it after ten minutes, and started giving minute by minute coverage of Deal Or No Deal instead. Wish we'd thought of doing that.

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