Now, we don't usually watch this, but in the interests of our viewer, we're going to try and stick with it for as long as possible. Our comprehensive review of the first instalment of the UK's most drawn out audition for fronting your own short-lived E4 series runs thusly.
Broadcasting equivalent of standing in front of the class and admitting what you just did aside, the show kicked off with a rundown of the rumours about the new series that aren't true (and which, presumably, had been leaked to the press by the production team in advance of the new series to maximise the viewing audience). Then we saw inside the house and... some other stuff happened and we kind of lost interest a bit.
What we need is to somehow distil each component (or housemate) into a series of numbers. It's the only way our fractured minds will be able to make sense of the screeching masses in need of a dignity transplant. That's why we've adapted our ranking system from the Celeb Big Brother to take in a whole new set of rankings, with bonus multipliers and everything.
Here's how it works:
As with our earlier system, the basis is the amount of words written in Wikipedia about each contestant. But! As a tribute to the way they keep on adding spurious trinkets to the house each time that everyone generally ignores because they're sunbathing instead, the following bonus multipliers are due to be applied to each word count:
+10% for each [citation needed] displayed in the contestant's Wikipedia rating – unverified facts are always fun
+20% for the current Betfair favourite to win
+10% for the second favourite
+5% for the third favourite
+10% for whoever we like the bestest of them all at any given moment
-15% for whoever's really getting on our tits
(You'll just have to imagine us reading the above bit out loud in a kind of faux-really-excited voice, just like Davina does on her tour of the house.)
We're really tempted to dock everyone an extra 10% for there being a new Trident Gum advert in the first ad break of the new series, but that would just be unfair. If you want to play along at home, our Excel formula for working out all of this is =SUM(B4+((B4*$C$2)*C4))+((B4*$D$2)*D4)+((B4*$E$2)*E4)+((B4*$F$2)*F4)+((B4*$G$2)*G4)+((B4*$H$2)*H4). Write that down. Of course, we reserve the right to add extra accumulators as the game progresses, especially if we can get an easy joke out of it.
So, what does that mean for the tenants of the Big Brother Bungalow?
Sam and Amanda Merchant
An annoying noise with four legs, the twins automatically won our vote as Most Annoying Person so far, docking them 15% of their word count of 47. Score: 44.65
Lesley Brain
Depending on whether the others see her as some sort of mother figure, or just some old woman with illusions of grandeur, will last a week, or ages. She still won't win, though. Score: 41.80
Charley Uchea
Despite getting booed, she seems relatively nice. Our current favourite, gives her points a boost all the way up to: 53.90
Tracey Barnard
Oh shit, it's Donny Tourette with a vagina. The bookies seem to like her, but we can't see her winning. We're betting she'll storm out of the house to make some sort of laboured 'point' within the first month, and claim it was something to do with a more pressing need to 'have it' elsewhere. Three [citations needed] give her score a boost, though. Score: 52.65
Chanelle Hayes
Who looks about as much like Victoria Beckham as we would if we just did our hair like hers. The second lowest score: 26.00
Shabnam Paryani
Quite extroverted, but in a way that isn’t too annoying. Yet. We suspect she could fall into the BrokenTV favourite column with the wind behind her. A bit of a shame that she’s currently last in the rankings, really. Score: 24.00
Emily Parr
Seems quite nice, although we’re not quite buying into the ‘indie’ personality until she mentions someone a bit more leftfield than Pete sodding Docherty. We’re tempted to offer her a bonus 25% if she can name more than one Pixies album, then we’ll see. The current leader, helped along by three [citations needed]. Score: 100.10
Laura Williams
Flying the flag for
Nicky Maxwell
Another relatively normal person who could well sneak into our favoured housemate category. It looks like they’re going for a controversy-lite series this year. Well, unless they chuck Freddie Starr in there at some point or something. Score: 82.80
Carole Vincent
Ah, there we go. It’s Millie Tant. Harsh, but fair, we feel. Score: 37.20
Expect regular updates when we get around to watching our Sky+ recordings of the highlight shows, or not if we get really ticked off with the whole idea of this. Hey, we’re not getting paid for this, you know. And if anyone’s expecting us to sit through Moyles, they can bally well piss off.
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