Yule (B)Log VIII: Indiana Jones and the Pint Of Lager

Central TV Christmas Tape 1984 (YouTube link)

It's time for the second of our looks back into the world of Christmas Tapes. Way back when, we looked at ATV's Bongotastic 1977 effort. Today finds us seven years into the future (erm, from then, not now, obv), where ATV has transmutated into the more regionally focussed Central Television. As we lived in the region at the time of the changeover, we could fill a whole update about how a seven-year-old BrokenTV eagerly awaited the first sighting of a whole new ITV region. Except, showing an early sign of the lackadaisical timekeeping that would blight our later life so frequently, we overslept and missed the big 9.25am launch party. We would probably have been slightly scared by the new 'slowly exploding good morning orb' ident, anyway.

But that's all by the by. Here's a look at their Christmas tape from 1984, by which time BrokenTV's parents had moved to the Granada region, so we're not going to get any of the local references unless they're Shaw Taylor-based. Will it feature little more than eighth-generation bad VHS soft grot? Let's take a look.



By Christ's soupy beard, the tape gets off to a marvellous start, with a wonderfully lo-fi rendition of the Central ident, accompanied by a BBC-Micro-SOUND-command-issue reworking of the Central jingle. As it plays, a Zaxxon-ish spaceship flies around the Central orb. This is more like it!



The tape then fades to a short clip of a proper film, Raiders Of The Lost Ark, or more specifically the bit near the start where Indy has just avoided lots of booby traps in order to reach an ancient idol. Only, in a nice bit of inventiveness, in place of the idol is...



...a refreshing pint of lager in the middle of the Central TV Bar. Yay. By using a cunning body double (a member of the VT Crowd in a jacket and fedora), the scene is recreated in full. Not quite up there with Raiders of the Lost Ark: The Adaptation, but nice to see nonetheless. As (real) Indy runs away after claiming his prize, the scene is intercut with VT Bloke dashing down the corridors of Central HQ. Sadly, the 'real' footage of the giant boulder scene is used - we were hoping for a giant can of film or an irate Central canteen lady to pursue VT Bloke, but thems the breaks. Instead, we cut to the VT clock, and we're into the Christmas tape proper.



Now we're into more traditional Christmas tape territory. A montage of local news reporters fluffing their lines ("it really does seem as if Spring is... erm... oh, fucking hell"), local dignitaries falling over on ice rinks, a man with a quite magnificent beard being distracted by the set collapsing behind him, VT staff mooning the camera, Emu chowing down on a boom-mic, Jimmy Greavsie Greaves saying "oh, for fack's sake", Spitting Image mis-takes. All the stuff you might expect.



Then, hurrah, a spoof ad-break. Brilliantly, there's what seems to be a genuine faux pas from a continuity voiceover, with the announcer stating how "[The Fall Guy] is going to need a stunning cunt to get him out of this scrape... I'm sorry... I... (dissolves into fits of laughter)", followed by an advert for The Ronco Electro Shocker, and a slightly misogynist take on an old Impulse advert that actually turns out to be a dull joke about Ampex Tapes (which, at nearly five minutes in, sets a new record in self-restraint for VT staff compiling a Christmas tape).



From there, it's onto "Part Two", and quite possibly the weakest joke ever committed to tape. The title sequence to Blockbusters, but with a soundtrack of... the theme to Ghost Busters. With changed lyrics to suit to pictures ("We're not scared of Bob Holness... we're not scared of the Gold Run!"). Far be it from us to denigrate anyone else's stab at comedy (Radio Four's comedy department still haven't got back to us about our radio sitcom detailing the funny goings on in an abortion clinic), but our sides remained intact throughout.



Then, a slice of camp croonery with... is that Joey Boswell off of Bread? One final out-take from a regional news broadcast later, and it's time for the traditional shot of The VT Crowd dancing about in party hats and bad jumpers. The end. And there was only one visible nipple in the whole thing. Crikey.



Verdict: Better than the 1977 effort, if only for the Fall Guy continuity mishap. Although, disappointingly, it's not the one with the 'adult' version of Bullseye, despite what the YouTube comment says. 7/10.


7 comments:

el condor said...

What's more disappointing is that in the Blockbusters 'skit', there's a large chunk of footage from either a rehearsal or some other bit of comedic business where Bob Holness is evidently playing the part of the solo contestant, against two crew members (look at the footage of the guy punching the teddy bear). Has anyone ever found the whole version of that, since it'd probably be a hell of a lot funnier than the included version.

PS. You might want to do the Thames '85 one next, that features a lot more VT pr0n for the more perverted .

Mark X said...

The footage used in the woeful Blockbusters skit really did remind me of the "It's nice being [x]" songs from TV Offal, so I suppose it wasn't entirely without merit. You're quite correct, an entertaining bit of business with an all-Bob 'Busters would be worth seeing.

re: The Thames '85 one - I'll probably give that a go soon, but I've got my eye on a Granada one next. I'm beginning to suspect the whole Christmas Tapes thing was actually an incredibly far-sighted and overcomplicated attempt to sneak lots of porn onto YouTube twenty years in the future.

Mark X said...

No, thirty years. Cripes.

El Condor said...

Funny you mention "It's nice being [x]" - I work at VLS's old university (York), and he still has a bit of a legendary status among some of the staff. Stories of him giving the Islamic call to prayer from York Minster are still shared to this day.

Anyway, the camp singing in this one appears to be Jonny Logan and 'Nasty' Nigel Lythgoe, which, if I've got my timelines right, would be about the time Nigel moved more into production rather than choreography.

Mark X said...

It's a real shame VLS doesn't seem to do much more than exec produce slightly disappointing documentaries these days. I recently re-watched Inside Victor Lewis-Smith, and while there is definitely a lot of stuff that doesn't work, his programmes were unlike anything else on TV, and always worth watching.

opop said...

情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 言情小說, 愛情小說, 色情A片, 情色論壇, 色情影片, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊美女, 視訊交友, ut聊天室, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, a片下載, av片, A漫, av dvd, av成人網, 聊天室, 成人論壇, 本土自拍, 自拍, A片, 愛情公寓, 情色, 舊情人, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 情色交友, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 色情a片, 一夜情, 辣妹視訊, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊, 視訊美女, 美女視訊, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, 情人視訊網, 影音視訊聊天室, 視訊交友90739, 成人影片, 成人交友,

免費A片, 本土自拍, AV女優, 美女視訊, 情色交友, 免費AV, 色情網站, 辣妹視訊, 美女交友, 色情影片, 成人影片, 成人網站, A片,H漫, 18成人, 成人圖片, 成人漫畫, 情色網, 日本A片, 免費A片下載, 性愛, 成人交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人電影, 成人, 成人貼圖, 成人小說, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人遊戲, 微風成人, 愛情公寓, 情色, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 做愛, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 寄情築園小遊戲, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊,

uhfdf said...

做愛的漫畫圖片, 情色電影分享區, 做愛ㄉ影片, 丁字褲美女寫真, 色美眉, 自拍俱樂部首頁, 日本偷自拍圖片, 色情做愛影片, 情色貼圖區, 八國聯軍情色網, 免費線上a片, 淫蕩女孩自拍, 美國a片, 都都成人站, 色情自拍, 本土自拍照片, 熊貓貼圖區, 色情影片, 5278影片網, 脫星寫真圖片, 粉喵聊天室, 金瓶梅18, sex888影片分享區, 1007視訊, 雙贏論壇, 爆爆爽a片免費看, 天堂私服論壇, 情色電影下載, 成人短片, 麗的線上情色小遊戲, 情色動畫免費下載, 日本女優, 小說論壇, 777成人區, showlive影音聊天網, 聊天室尋夢園, 義大利女星寫真集, 韓國a片, 熟女人妻援交, 0204成人, 性感內衣模特兒, 影片, 情色卡通, 85cc免費影城85cc, 本土自拍照片, 成人漫畫區, 18禁, 情人節阿性,

aaaa片, 免費聊天, 咆哮小老鼠影片分享區, 金瓶梅影片, av女優王國, 78論壇, 女同聊天室, 熟女貼圖, 1069壞朋友論壇gay, 淫蕩少女總部, 日本情色派, 平水相逢, 黑澀會美眉無名, 網路小說免費看, 999東洋成人, 免費視訊聊天, 情色電影分享區, 9k躺伯虎聊天室, 傑克論壇, 日本女星杉本彩寫真, 自拍電影免費下載, a片論壇, 情色短片試看, 素人自拍寫真, 免費成人影音, 彩虹自拍, 小魔女貼影片, 自拍裸體寫真, 禿頭俱樂部, 環球av影音城, 學生色情聊天室, 視訊美女, 辣妹情色圖, 性感卡通美女圖片, 影音, 情色照片 做愛, hilive tv , 忘年之交聊天室, 制服美女, 性感辣妹, ut 女同聊天室, 淫蕩自拍, 處女貼圖貼片區, 聊天ukiss tw, 亞亞成人館, 777成人, 秋瓷炫裸體寫真, 淫蕩天使貼圖, 十八禁成人影音, 禁地論壇, 洪爺淫蕩自拍, 秘書自拍圖片,