Yule (B)Log XI: Extra, Extra! Xmas TV Not As Good As It Was Shocker! In Other News: Shit Stinks! Extra!

MediaGuardian have revealed the SHOCK TRUTH that Christmas television isn't quite as good as it used to be, with 57% of people responding to their online poll that, hey, crazy concept, Morecambe and Wise were actually better than seeing the Brannings sitting down to their first Walford Christmas dinner (NOTE TO EDITORS: That's something to do with EastEnders, apparently. We don't know either, we stopped watching it once we got sick of the Slaters). They're also trying to claim that the internet is now more popular than television, based on the fact that 56% of people will check their emails on Christmas Day. Because that takes all day, doesn't it?

Now, we promise that our new year resolution really is going to be "stop making the effort to bother ourselves with laughably easy targets", but we can't help quote the following:

Instead we will be going online, with 56% of people checking their emails, 38% surfing the net and 10% beavering away social networking.

That's according to a survey carried out by media idiots "UTalkMarketing". What, is the word "you" too troublesome to type out, or does that conflict with your NuMarkeTingWorldVu™? There's a pretty notable difference between "instead we will" and "less than half of us will bother spending a few minutes doing something that allows us to pick up any goodwill messages any friends and relatives not in the immediate vicinity may have sent us on this, the one day of the year designated towards contacting friends and family that we might care about to wish them seasonal greetings, even from afar. Even if it's only leaving a message on our Facebook wall".

"The chocolate box image of families crowded around their TV sets next to a roaring log fire simply doesn't exist in today's Britain," says Niall McKinney, founder of UtalkMarketing.

Yes. No-one is going to even glance at their television screens on the 25th. Not for Doctor Who, not for TV Burp, not to see Captain Mainwairing get gravy all over his nice clean shirt (BBC Two, 8pm), or even for a quick snatch of whether the reporters on Sky Sports News are expected to turn up for work that day, not at all. No, not even a tryptophan-induced doze in front of Leela's Homeworld (Sky Two, 8.30pm). The whole family is going to be crowded around the nearest DS in order to see if Nan predominantly uses the left or right side of her brain. You stupid fucking marketing dolts.