We’re still hugely addicted to Spotify. So much so in fact, we’ve taken the rare step of unlocking the BrokenIndustries wallet and paying for a premium subscription to it. Shocking, we know. While there are thousands utterly brilliant things on there, a great deal of satisfaction can be gleaned from finding the most terrible songs possible. Here are a few we’ve found so far, along with the links to the albums they live on. Spotify required to play them, obviously.
They’re all cover versions, as opposed to this first one, which is a sort of semi-cover:
Knocking even their version of Babybird’s “You’re Gorgeous” into a distant second, this is the sort of re-release where no-one is coming out of the studio with a shred of dignity intact.
This starts off reasonably enough, with the Piano Tribute Players interpreting the electro fuzz intro of the original into a nice enough riff. Once the dementedly ace chorus kicks in however, things start to go awry, with the ‘Players desperately trying to battle the songsheets, and losing on penalties. Still, could be worse.
Sadly, not a version of the Tatu future-classic (if they ever get around to releasing their final album outside of Russia, that is), but rather an insipid tribute to the surprisingly great Miley Cyrus version. Aaaand, there go our few remaining shreds of credibility. Seriously though, it’s really good. Listen to it. The PTP version completely fails to capture even a thimbleful of this magnificence.
Does the world really need a Richard Cheese tribute act, when everyone realised that Richard Cheese’s stuff gets really old, really fast? Earl Okin seems to think so. It’s a ‘live’ version of the song. The crowd at this recording seem to be the same rentacrowd used for the ‘3’ comedy sponsor bumpers on Channel Four, as their insipid reaction seems very similar to that of the shit stand-up comedian making pedestrian observations about mobile phones. Footnote: we’ve a sneaking suspicion “Earl” “Okin” Googles his stage name quite often, and will eventually stumble over this paragraph. If so: you should be ashamed.
Michael Pan – An English Gentleman (James Dean Brandfield)
At first glance, this seems like a relatively diverse compilation CD, taking in tracks from Avril Lavingne, Eels, Art Brut, M.I.A., Amy Winehouse, and this track from James Dean Brandfield. On closer inspection – much closer inspection – the entire 21-track album actually contains nothing more than the German equivalent of Paul Gambuccini waxing lyrical on the stories behind each of the songs in question. Not a single note of music is contained anywhere whatsoever on the album. So: what’s the point? Are German listeners supposed to listen to the commentary track at the same time as listening to the original versions of each of the songs, as opposed to, say, reading the liner notes for each of the songs? Or just looking at Wikipedia? Or is it, as we suspect, a cynical attempt to trick unobservant shoppers into buying a suspiciously cheap compilation disc for little Gunter’s birthday?
Spotify links this lot up with Kronos Quartet and Brian Eno in the ‘similar artists’ bit of the header. Presumably the reasoning behind that thinking came some time after this was released, as it isn’t very good. At all.
Yeah. Nothing conveys a spiritual sense of karmic wellbeing like a cover album of AC/DC songs, does it? It does however get worse.
Yes, really. We strongly suspect statues of Buddha around the world started vomiting blood the very second this disc hit the record shops.
So painful, we’re actually on the verge of tears here. Some people say that hearing a terrible cover version of one of your all-time favourite songs is one of the worst musical experiences a music lover could suffer. We’d say that hearing a bad cover version of a song you already absolutely detest is much worse. Listening to this voluntarily is pretty much tantamount to handing your house keys over to an escaped mental patient who has promised to sneak in at night and keep prodding you in the eye with a shitty stick while you try to sleep. It’s that bad.
Fuck. Ing. Hell.
With all of these songs in mind, we’ve decided to start a collaborative playlist on Spotify for Bad Cover Versions. As listening to each of these songs is akin to having all the skin whipped off your back with a barbed-wire cat o’ nine tails recently marinated in regurgitated vinegar and Jif Lemon, we’ve called it The BrokenTV Flaylist. If you’ve got any terrible cover versions that you’ve discovered, feel free to add them to the list.