BrokenTV's Contribution To Andrew Sachs-Gate

  • 10/29/2008 12:00:00 pm
  • By Mark Gibbings-Jones

Three days! Three entire days! That's the number of days in a row that our clock radio has woken us up to the sound of people phoning in to Five Live to whinge about Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross' prank phone call. About 93% of callers were frothing at the mouth about how they should both be sacked (and therefore receive a hefty severance package just before signing new and even more lucrative deals with Channel Four or ITV). 6.5% of callers said how they were fans of the duo and therefore anything they do, such as bullying elderly actors over the phone, or boasting of sexual conquests is automatically great. 0.5% of callers were one twerp who works in The Media claiming something along the lines of "aah, but shows like that aren't really for the public".

Meanwhile, untold thousands of people are registering complaints with the BBC, even though they didn't hear, and have no intention of hearing the broadcast in question, because their newspaper told them it was bad. In summary, no-one's really coming out of this one with much credit. Well, apart from Andrew Sachs, who has kept a dignified near-silence over the whole affair.

Even we can't shut up for long enough to avoid saying that while we do really like the output of Ross and Brand, this affair has made them look like monumental tossers. They did what they did in a genuinely amusing manner, but if a schoolboy sticks a firework up a cat's arse whilst improvising a cleverly worded monologue that all his mates think is "well funny", it's still a horrendous act of cruelty that shouldn't escape punishment.

What will happen now is this. The viewing figures for this week's broadcast of Friday Night With Jonathan Ross will increase by around two million viewers, almost all of which will only be tuning in to see if he is pelted by rancid fruit by the studio audience. A similar thing will happen with Russell Brand's radio show. The BBC will point toward the inflated viewing figures and proclaim that both broadcasters are too popular to be taken off air, and that they will both apologise, and the newspapers will all get distracted by someone from The Bill accidentally saying 'cunt' during an interview on The Alan Titchmarsh Show.

What should happen now is this. Sort of "an eye for an eye", but with a different body part. Involving Russell Brand's grandmother would be morally objectionable, but every single woman who filed a complaint about Brand and Ross should now take the time to phone up Russell Brand's agent - John Noel Management, telephone number 0207 428 8400 - and leave a giggling message along the lines of "Hey! John Noel Management! I've had the sex with your client Russell Brand! He was rubbish and has the cock of a dormouse!", before hanging up.

That John Noel phone number again: 0207 428 8400. We've looked it up.

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