Friday, 2 January 2009

Celebrity Big Brother 2009 Live Blog!

Happy new year, everyone! We've been a bit quiet recently, as we've been working on The Big BrokenTV Awards for 2008, so what better time to break our silence than on the launch of Celebrity Big Brother 2009? Live Blog ahoy! Refresh for updates.

[20.57] First thing we've noticed - Barrymore is back on our screens, playing second fiddle to George Lamb on Big Brother's Little Brother. Surely, that must represent the furthest anyone has ever fallen in the history of entertainment. We mean, it's not as if he'd kil... ("Stop right there" - The BrokenTV Legal Department)

[21.02] Fleeting, Question Of Sport style shots of a few of the participants for this year. Amy Winehouse, Tom Cruise, Rafa Benitez and Madonna, we're saying. Quite clearly, when the real contestants are announced, we're all going to need to be told who they actually are. You know, like when Jon Culshaw does his impressions.

[21.04] Davina does the obligatory tour of the house. There's a jail, which could be fun once someone who once had a top five hit (and an agent good enough to get them on this) starts getting a bit uppity.

Oh, by the way, welcome to anyone who found BrokenTV after we were mentioned on the BBC Internet Blog. As you'll soon see, we're not always as good as one hastily Photoshopped picture of Bubbles The Clown might suggest. We're also now linked to from the BBC's Flickr page, which is quite exciting. Well, it is if you're us.

[21.10] Housemate One: LaToya Jackson. Cripes. Because we can't think of anything more original to do, we're going to continue our tradition of marking the celebrity of each contestant by the word count of their Wikipedia entries, before, during and after their stay on the show. La Toya even has her own sub-section bar at the bottom of her page. We reckon she'll be the only person to have one of those. Of course, this means that CBB has now played host to 40% of the Jackson Five.

LaToya's Wikipedia wordcount: 2349.

[21.15] Mutya Buena, of whom we know nothing. An ex-Sugababe, it seems. She does have a Wikipedia page, and indeed can be found by typing 'Mutya' into the search box. She also has a sub-section bar thing on her Wiki page, which shows what we know.

Mutya 's Wikipedia wordcount: 1368.

[21.17] Will anyone we're actually a fan of appear? Both members of Tatu are probably a few years away from resorting to CBB, so that avenue is exhausted. Will Self? Chris Lowe? Dennis Skinner?

Hey, it's Shasta McNasty's Verne Troyer. Not much of a shock, as it's been pretty well known he'll be in it. He was quite good in Postal (which we liked, despite our better judgement), and could be fun here. If nothing else, he'll make for an easy target for whoever's the biggest twat on The Sunday Night Project.

Verne's Wikipedia wordcount: 558

[21.26] An advert looking for applicants for Regular Big Brother 2009. If you know anyone who is a self-centred imbecile, the dates listed would be a good time to burgle their house. And now, a Muller advert voiced by Derek Griffiths. Now he'd make a brilliant contestant in CBB. Him or Johnny Ball.

[21.30] Next contestant: Tommy Sheridan. A socialist politician from Scotland (albeit only from the comedy Scottish Militant Labour party), and alleged lover of PVC bondage, it seems. It'll be brilliant if everyone recognised him on entry to the... no they don't. As he walked in, he said "the madness!" in his Scottish burr, leading to someone else saying "oh, hi Angus".

Tommy's Wikipedia wordcount: 3240. Yikes.

[21.35] Page Fwee Stunna Lucy Pinder. Wants to prove she's not thick, but with her very next sentence says she's "a bit of a Tory girl", and she is frightened of clowns. Write your own Ben Elton-style punchline. Hates left-wingers. Boh. Will she realise it when she loses a lot of arguments with Tommy?

Lucy's Wikipedia wordcount: 1060.

[21.38] Despite Wikipedia claiming the next contestant is J.K. Rowling, Michelle Heaton, Coolio, Terry Christian, Steve Strange, Tina Malone from Shameless or Ulrika Jonsson, it's some bloke from a boy band. Ben Adams. Our prediction: he won't win.

Ben's Wikipedia wordcount: 346.

[21.42] Next: Tina Malone from Shameless. Someone on Wikipedia didn't lie shocker! A self confessed gobby scouser. Blimey, we put up with enough of those at work. We've just thought of a TV Burp style joke - she's just said how she's probably the last person you'd expect to do something like this. We'd say someone currently famous would be a bit more unexpected. NAILED.

Tina's Wikipedia wordcount: 184.

[21.51] Next up, we have Coolio, as 'predicted' by an anonymous Wikipedian. So, who else on the above list will be right? Terry Christian we can believe. Ulrika possibly. J.K. Rowling, never. Anyway, with Coolio in the house, at least we've got someone who was once a guest star in an episode of Duckman. Top Coolio fact! Gangster's Paradise was one of about three half-decent records in the pub we used to drink in. Much like a lot of pubs in the mid-1990s, really. It was a pub featured on an episode of Sky One's Britain's Hardest Pubs, although we're not sure why, it wasn't even bad by Wrexham standards, let alone national ones.

Coolio's Wikipedia wordcount: 1727.

[21.55] Michelle Heaton from Liberty X. There should be some sort of quota for People Who Used To Be In Pop Bands, which should be capped at two. Come on, someone good had better be the next participant. Someone we'd actually recognise who isn't American. They're all going to miss Obama's inauguration.

Michelle's Wikipedia wordcount: 996.

[21.59] Annoying Northern Twat (his words. We would have left out 'Northern', as we're not letting him try and use his locale as some sort of excuse) Terry Christian. Told you. At least now there's someone in the house no-one will feel bad about voting out in the first week.

Terry's Wikipedia wordcount: 1280.

[22.03] Who will be the first newspaper columnist to write something about how the events of Dead Set really should happen within the next week or so? Final participant: It's Ulrika. Probably going to be our favourite participant in the house, as she's always seemed genuinely intelligent, witty and entertaining if you ask us. She probably won't win, but won't be too bothered if she doesn't.

Ulrika's Wikipedia wordcount: 977. That's fewer than Terry Christian, which is quite unfair on her.

Ah well. That's the lot. Unless the producers have a trick or two up their sleeves, there's no-one that exciting here this year, suggesting everyone is still wary of another Shilpagate. Not even, as had been suggested, Andrew Sach's granddaughter. Is it going to hold our attention? The last 'proper' series of Big Brother didn't, and unless Coolio talking about hair straighteners is going to be the low point of the next few weeks, we're not holding out our hopes.

Ho hum. Time for a chart.

Latest Betfair Odds:

Verne Troyer 2.86
Ben Adams 6.8
Tina Malone 12
Terry Christian 12
Ulrika Jonsson 13
Coolio 13.5
Lucy Pinder 25
Tommy Sheridan 42
Michelle Heaton 28
Mutya Buena 32
La Toya Jackson 38

Our tip: Lay Terry Christian, and try to put that mental image out of your heads.

8 .:

Doughboy said...

Aren't there any more bankrupts they could throw in there: I see Late entries?

Jade Goody has just pulled out of her pantomime. Although as she's seriously ill, probably not. probably.

Rick Wakeman? Rick Astley? Richard Madeley? Chico?

Lots of 'I'm so beautiful' females to hate each other. And a battle to be the alpha male that Coolio was winning until Ulrika arrived as she's got balls bigger than the lot of em.

I hate it. Why am I watching it. Why am I reading about it? Compulsive. For now.

Mark X said...

My brain has since gone to mush. I am watching RudeTube. Pity me.

With any luck, the fact I'm pissed off about my PVR failing to record the programme about Morecambe and Wise might just be enough to save my soul.

Matthew Rudd said...

Terry Christian is brilliant on the radio and I'm rooting entirely for him.

Not that I'll watch it. Much.

Rodafowa said...

"Like when Jon Culshaw does an impression."

Watching Jools Holland on New Year's Eve, that bastard was hanging around in the background like an especially punchable Angel Of Death.

Every time he floated past we begged Jools not to talk to him, but all the prayers were in vain and sure enough, within ten seconds the smug git had lapsed into a jaw-droppingly awful impersonation of Barrack Obama.

Impressionists are quite literally the worst people in the world.

roy rocket said...

Funny old world, ain't it; when Ulrik-ka-ka looks like being the first to suffer meltdown, and the only housemate I would even consider allowing in to my house is Terry Christian. Probably.

O by the way, wasn't the revived 'Shooting Stars' shit?

Mark X said...

I must admit, Terry Christian is coming over very well, which shows what I know, even if he did come over as utterly charmless on the repeat of Room 101 I saw on Virgin 1 recently.

The new Shooting Stars was odd, as it seemed Vic and Bob put a load more original thought went into the preceding documentary than the actual show itself.

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