Thursday, 5 June 2008

Max Ernst and Davina McCall. Together At Last.

Schedule A: If Max Ernst Worked For Panini

Splendidly, UEFA's own Euro 2008 minisite is rather lovely, including as it does all manner of flash gimmickry. It evens goes has far to include a set of graphs so pointless even we're taken aback. At least if you ever find yourself in a pub quiz, and a bonus question is "what percentage of the Spanish Euro 2008 squad are between the heights of 175 and 185 centimetres?", you'll know the answer.


The best bit as far as we're concerned is a collection of online football stickers, for each squad member of the previous European Championship, erm, Champions.

"That's not very interesting", you might be saying at this point, "in fact, I'm going to throw rocks at your windows, it's so not very interesting. I hate you." Steady on there, champ. Here's just how Interesting After All they are:

Mmm, yeah. You're slurping down those ill-considered words now, aren't you? We're really tempted to post our top ten favourites, along with witty captions about what the frigging heck is going on in each picture, but UEFA's lawyers are probably circling overhead as we type, so instead we'll just add another link to that section of the UEFA website, and retire to a safe distance.

Oh, just one more.

Schedule B: Big Brother Launch Night - Almost Live Blogging!


Erm, we were too busy having fun in multiplayer GTA IV at 9pm to catch it live. So, we're ten minutes behind. Here's what we gleaned from trying to catch up.

Smokers have to do so within a tiny outdoor space, or else. That'll annoy the smugger fag suckers, which on Big Brother is generally at least an eight-way tie.

"Zero tolerance". Possibly to be interpreted as "don't be racist or bigoted". We think the other bungalowmates should be given sharp sticks with which to prod them.

More of an emphasis than ever on contestants being dividing into groups of 'haves' and 'have-nots', it seems. All so that annoying WAG-wannabies can pretend to be oppressed, when they're actually just eight weeks away from two years of guesting on Chris Moyles and attending premières of low-budget British movies.

The new film called Hancock doesn't seem like it's going to have Will Smith complaining about anything being nearly an armful of anything. ("Yeah, we've already pointed that out" - Everyone else on the internet."

The contestants:

* A couple. While they don't seem too bad so far, we predict one of them will be demonised in the press, and there will be pleas from femto-celebrities on BBBM for the 'good' one to leave the 'evil' one.

* The Bastard Offspring Of Johnny Briggs And Gareth From Off Of The Office. Uh-oh. He might be this year's 'wacky' one. A lot of people in the crowd are booing already, although we're really sure a load of that noise is piped in.

* Stephanie. 19. Student. She seems to be an amalgam of Emily Parr and Danielle Lloyd. Chucked out of the house to an uneasy silence? Either that, or will become the most famous person in Britain ten weeks from now. Place your bets!

A quick check on Wikipedia reveals: 'Our' version of Big Brother is also screened on Africa's M-Net channel, and Poland's TVN Lingua. We dread to think what they make of it.

First curve-ball of the night: Secret mission. Mario and Lisa "aren't a couple any more", they're expected to pair up with the other two contestants. Of course, this is pretty much like the first round of selecting on Deal Or No Deal. No one ever chooses "Deal" at £27.50, and the first task of the series is usually pretty dull. Well, in both of the two series' of Regular Big Brother that we've watched.


And we're live! (We've caught up with the live transmission.)

Big Brother's Little Brother is co-hosted by George Lamb. Won't be watching that, then. But if it keeps him away from 6Music, all the better. For us, and society as a whole.

* Rachel. Chatty and seemingly opinionated, but seems quite pleasant. Possible winner? Has "been in commercials", it seems. Loads of those will be getting some airtime on late evening Channel Four over the next couple of months, then. Clever Channel Four.

Can we be bothered to do some graphs about Big Brother this year? Very probably not. We could do one about the comparative ratings between this and Euro 2008, we suppose. Bit of a foregone conclusion.

* Dale. Going to 'nail' 'fanny' in the house. Was 'at' Manchester United. 'All' 'About' 'The' 'Glory'. Move over, George Lamb, we've got a new mortal enemy. We give him three weeks, either until he's evicted, or until he senses the tide of opinion turning against him and he contrives a reason to storm out of the house to make some sort of spurious point.

* Sylvia. Is 'sassy'. "I'm not argumentative, but I do have a sharp tongue," she says. Translation: "I am very argumentative."

Those Wikipedia profiles of the new contestants are building up, despite the fact that no-one knows anything about any of them yet. Example:

"Stephanie. 19 years of age, thinks she is attractive."

* Dennis. This year's camp bloke. Will be hosting a companion show to an ill-judged reality format on E4 by the end of November. Mark our words.


Ad time, so here's more from Wikipedia:
"Sylvia. Dresses trendily........ or not"
Surely that's not in the Wikipedia style guide. "Kate McCann. Infant murderer..... or not."


Either someone has vandalised the Wikipedia page, or the remaining contestants really are Mr Blobby, Sir Paul MCCartney, Mr Beans, Merlin, Sir Wankalott, Rebecca and Barbeque Sue. It's the slim possibility that they're on the level that is keeping us watching. Meanwhile, the new Coldplay single is exclusive to iTunes. We're uninstalling iTunes on our PC, just in case we accidentally buy it.


According to Wikipedia, the new Big Brother logo for 2008 is a "FURIOUS RAGING ERECTION".

* Michael. He is blind, so that's our lazy-but-generally-ethically-okay comedy angle buggered, then. Tsk. Says he has been a stand-up comedian before now, so he should be good value for money. Will anyone think he's only pretending to be blind as some sort of BB task? Cripes.

Wikiupate: According to every lazy student's one-stop shop for research, Michael "looks like sloth from The Goonies". And we thought our opponents on Xbox Live just before 9pm were insensitive, annoying pricks.


* Alexandra. Seems generally intelligent, so we're not sure why some people are booing her.

* Rex. As Wikipedia has just predicted, Rex is next. He's an executive chef. Seems sensible (if a little self-satisfied), and on first impression will last for ages but won't stand a chance of winning.


Hey, is this in high definition on Channel Four HD?


No. It isn't. If it's such a flagship show, wonder why not. It'd mean that for the sake of a dozen or so HD cameras, Channel Four could claim to have transmitted 975 more hours of live HD content in 2008 than it would have otherwise.

* Mohammed. Wants to point out that he isn't a terrorist, and is the third contestant of the night to have been interviewed whilst wearing Mr Men clothing. The estate of Roger Hargreaves must be well chuffed by all this exposure.

Wikiupdate: The article is now locked for public editing. Not before time, really. We're a responsible Wikipedia user with a longstanding account (we even added a bunch of correct and verifiable figures to the Euro 2008 Austria Squad article yesterday), so we could go in and type 'penis vagina' two hundred times in the 'sponsorship' section. Shall we do that? Hmm, best not.

* Rebecca. Will be photoshopped onto the body of Vicki Pollard within ten seconds of entering the house (we'd got as far as typing 'Vicki Poll' before the interviewer made much the same point, but we're leaving that in).


One more person to go, and it's looking very much like this will be the last episode of Big Brother we watch this series. Our official stance will be largely the same as that of the Daily Mirror circa 2003, when it became the 'official' Anti-Big Brother newspaper. Although they then proceeded to devote at least three pages to the show every day, which absolutely misses the point by a sodding mile. If you're trying to appeal to people who don't like something, don't expect them to happily read 3000 words on that very thing every day, you chumps. Mind you, it was when Piers Morgan was editor,

* Darnell. He's an albino, and an American (born in, erm, Ipswich). Far be it from us to point out that putting a brash character raised in America in the house along with a couple of muslim contestants is courting controversy, but, well, y'know.

* Jennifer. Seemingly, a young mother who claims to be really devoted to her offspring. So devoted in fact, she's... ah, you know where we're going with that. Also seems to hold what we're going to refer to as 'traditional views'. Why not just chuck Roy Chubby fucking Brown in there, and have done with it?


Last up, Kathreya. Seems nicely jolly, and is sure to laugh along when Justin Lee Collins does an ha-ha-larious impression of her when she's the guest on the Sunday Friday Night Project (not a typo, we're trying to be 'funny' again) the week after she leaves Big Brother. A possible winner, unlikely to have a bad word to say about anyone. This year's The Twins From Last Year.


On Sunday's show - a fake, real, fake wedding. While Germany vs Poland is on BBC One. Yeah, the second one.

The current betting at Betfair:

Shaun - Doesn't seem to be listed
Lisa - 38
Luke - 11.5
Stephanie - 32
Rachel - 14
Dale - 15
Sylvia - 42
Dennis - 25
Michael - 6
Alexandra - 65
Rex - 16
Mohamed - 14.5
Rebecca - 32
Jennifer - 34
Darnell - 11
Kathreya - 9

We've backed Michael, although we suspect Kathreya could take it.

And that pretty much concludes our coverage of Big Brother 2008, unless something really exciting happens. At least until after the final of Euro 2008. And with contestants from previous Big Brothers buggering up a half-decent Muppet Show gag at the start of The Big Brother Launch Night Project in the background, we're going back to GTA IV.

5 .:

J said...

I am not a fan of Big Brother (i would rather dry hump a band saw), but i could while away a hangover infused Sunday morning watching Dermot O'Leary on BBLB as i found him genuinely likeable. So its a shame that they have replaced him with that cockweasel G Lamb.

In fact, the more i think about Dermot O'Leary being swapped for George Lamb, the more i feel someone should call trading standards as i think CH4 have been had.

P.S I bet George Lamb eats Rustler bugers washed down with Coke Zero.

J said...

*of course i meant burgers.

Mark X said...

As a true and not at all pretend cockney, George Lamb actually eats nothing but the most jellied of eels, washed down a foaming pint of fictional Queen Vic ale Churchill's, with the buttons off a Pearly King's jacket for pudding.

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