The Incredibly Strange Hyperbole Show

It’s all quite worrying. We like to think we’re the sort of TV blog that usually has at least one finger in the vicinity of the pulse of popular culture, and yet we seem to have missed the big news story where Jonathan Ross slaughtered an orphan live on BBC One, committed war atrocities, and then got paid a lot of money for presenting a television programme that seemingly has no viewers at all. Why do we say these things? Well, going by the reaction from users on bbc.co.uk’s Have Your Say and the Daily Mail website to his resignation from the BBC, we can only assume that’s what had happened. Personally, we’re a bit disappointed, because the BBC were the only broadcaster that would let him make brilliant BBC Four documentaries on Asian cinema, Japanese culture and comic books, but we think we can cope for now.

image Ross with Communist Nazi BBC executives, yesterday.

Here are some ‘highlights’ of the overall commentary. First, to the Daily Mail brains trust:

image Well, given the fact millions of viewers did watch and enjoy his programmes, he pretty much definitely will. Friday Night With Jonathan Ross usually scored a solid four million or so viewers, which any of the other main broadcasters would self-harm for in a post 10.30pm slot. We wouldn’t be at all surprised if ITV made a concerted effort to get hold of him.

image Another pain in the what?  “Arrse”? “Anuse”? And who is this Ruish Ross chap, anyway? More BBC nepotism, we’ll wager.

imageEven without going near the Mail/Express-perpetuated myth that the BBC merely chucked a load of repeats on over the festive period (a myth already handsomely dispelled by the excellent TabloidWatch and TV Cream - “did the papers scream ‘Xmas Telly is 600 Hours Of Test Card!’ in the 1970s?”), we’re not sure saving on Jonathan Ross’ salary is going to usher in a new golden age of television. You know, what with £6million a year barely paying for seven episodes of Casualty and everything.

image If you go to “@wossy Jonathons Ross’s”  Twitter page, you’ll see (at the time of typing this) 477,510 followers. Now, we’re not going to check, but it’s a pretty safe bet that number also includes a number of other famous faces, even including the auto-refollowing Barack Obama. Hey, maybe the BBC will give Obama all of your money to interview Ricky Gervais every Friday night?

As for your other point, we can’t wait until Davids Dave @davecameron Camerons abolishes the licence fee so that the BBC can become just as intelligent, thought-provoking and entertaining as ITV1, Sky One and Five. Hey, and then we could just all give that extra money to the Queen, and Britain will become great once again!

image Oops, how did that one slip through the net? And why are so many people agreeing with that comment? Someone needs to restore the Correct Way Of Thinking NOW.

image That’s better. Ha! Yeah, take that Wossy! Even people still living in 1992 think you’re rubbish! Yeah, fact-based comments like Colin’s can’t compare to eighteen-year-old movie-based zingers!

image GOD WRITES: Sorry everyone, I was busy with droughts in sub-Saharan Africa. Still, better late than never, eh?

image Ha ha! You said some words like what he says! Cor, bet you wish you could say that directly to him, eh Sesachili! That’d show him – he hates people having a go at his speech impediment! Hey, you could always contact him on Twitter, where his username is, er… oh.

image Ah, that old chestnut. Ross fronted two flagship television programmes for the BBC, one of it’s most listened-to radio programmes, and a number of one-off BBC Four documentary programmes, in return for everyone in his production company earning an average ten pence from each person in Britain, and that’s an ABSOLUTE DISGRACE. So, lots of people, had to work to get to the positions they’re in, working throughout the year, getting what equates to ten pence from everyone = VERY BAD. The Royal Family, much the same, only without the actual work, getting sixty-six pence from every living person in the UK = TREMENDOUS VALUE FOR MONEY.

imageSigh. Yes, Mr Dixon, you can. Send us an SAE and a photocopy of your TV licence, and we’ll post you your ten pence back.

image We bet Donny keeps wondering why he never receives any post from his children at his care home. No birthday cards. No Christmas cards. No Father’s Day cards. Could it be that they’ve all been addressing them to “Hampshire, England, Non-EU”, meaning the Post Office have been trying to deliver them to another “Hampshire, England” situated outside the European Union? Or don’t they send any in the first place, because he’s a mental old bigot? Who can tell?

image Aww. We’d been praying for an end to human suffering, world peace and a new mountain bike. We really should have lowered the bar years ago. From now on, we’re going to pray for something that will eventually happen anyway, like the weather getting a bit nicer.

image Oh, Maggie. Saying things like that, you must be living in Clou… no, wait.

image What? Oh, Wossy, you utter monster! 

Meanwhile, on Have Your Say, the part of the BBC website that could change the CSS background to an image of a PC monitor flecked with furious spittle and none of the regular contributors would ever notice the difference…

image Oh no! Peter has spotted the BBC’s secret agenda for persuading Ross to quit! With Ross out of the way, all the right-thinking people of EnglandNotEU will be out holding impromptu “No More Wossy” street parties, while Gordon Brown calls a snap election. By the time Everyone With Common Sense has finished celebrating, the polls will be closed, and we’ll be in for another five years of New Labour. Sorry, New Lie-bour. New Lie-Bore. Poo Lie-Bore. Nooooo!

Luckily, Peter has warned everyone. You tell ‘em, Pike!

image Thanks for that valuable contribution, Democratic Dream, if that is your real name. We’d been sat here, fretting about what to think about today’s events, and you’ve set us right. Also, it’s nice to see three other people appreciate your wonderful brevity just as much as we do.

image Ah, one wonderful thing about the BBC’s message boards is the way lots of people are so desperate to seem persecuted for their no-nonsense Telling It Like It Is. Case in point, Mr Moderation-Forever here, who has been so aggrieved by the way the BBC Thought Police (no, apparently it’s an actual department of the BBC. They’ve got their own floor in Television Centre and everything) treat his comments, he has changed his username in protest. Honestly, it’s so you can’t even call someone a ‘darky’ nowadays. Bring back national service! Repeal the flapper vote!

imageDon’t worry, Olaf Da Blunt (tee hee! A reference to teh drugs! You so daring!), the BBC Trust has just announced a new policy where the renewal of each and every BBC employee contract will need to be ratified by you! Yes, you personally! Admittedly, the downside to all this is that you need to wade through the thousands of employees you haven’t heard of, but we’re sure they’re all ‘fat cats’ on the BBC ‘gravy train’, earning ‘huge salaries’ from ‘your money’.

image Urgh. Bet that’s just the sort of thing Those Media Types do in That London. Getting a woman to urinate on their hands before leaving their… it means what now?

image DING DING DING! Phew, it took a while, but Craig Foster wins out special prize for being the first to mention the BBC’s “liberal left fascist” agenda. Well done, Craig! You win a £2 book token, a tinfoil hat and a free visit to the trepanation centre of your choice. Hurrah!

image

It’s Brand as well! You maniacs, look what you’ve done!

(Yes, we know Craig up there was almost certainly being sarcastic, but we were desperate to find a way to end all this that didn’t involve an overdose of some kind. Seriously, trawling through those comments was like staring at the sun. That’s the last time we try and nick spEak You’re bRanes’ act. It’s a lot harder than it looks.)

3 comments:

Derek Williams said...

I've never been all that fond of Jonathan Ross myself. Often I've found his interview style rather unpleasant, in particular when he interviewed Gwen Stefani and made jokes about her dog dying. I watched Japanorama but it pretty much always disappointed me in some fashion, but I'm still glad he did it.

I did have a big argument about it with my dad who is anti license fee, but to be fair to him he doesn't actually watch much bbc. Or TV in general and can happily live without it.

He was complaining that JR was paid too much. I argued that he was paid in accordance to the typical wage for someone of his popularity. He then argued that the BBC shouldn't be interested in popularity as they get their money regardless. I think he wants the BBC to be purely boring programmes that no one watches. That would then be good value for money.

Surely the BBC are there to entertain? They certainly do a pretty good job of entertaining me, I barely watch any other channel. I'm happy for license fee to continue if the BBC remains this good.

Word verification: Warednes

Tanya Jones said...

It's a bit scary how many people out there don't actually think before banging their forehead against their keyboard in rage. There's an awful lot of 'how DARE he get paid more than me, even though he probably contributes more to society than a moaning tit like myself' and 'Well, I don't like him, so he's automatically untalented and not worth his salary.'

Of course entertainers are probably paid too much when compared to the emergency services and medical profession, but then so are bankers, many of whom have been rewarded for failure, something that generally doesn't happen to a failed entertainer.

Basically, the world is far more complex than many people can handle. Perhaps I should reconsider my previously staunch support for democracy...

Mark X said...

It's sad but true. If there was ever a way for voting in General Elections to become as easy as leaving a comment on YouTube or a newspaper website, I suspect humanity would be doomed. Either that, or Keyboard Cat would become MP for Wolverhampton East.